Monday, February 20, 2012

Excuses, excuses...

I've been quiet, yes.

Despite the commitment to myself to write for 30 minutes per day, no matter what (not necessarily blog -- songwriting and journalling count too), I have been allowing myself to count CD design time (I'm creating the CD cover for Don's newest release) as writing time.

Hmm... playing with colour swatches and fonts and pretty pictures?  NOT WRITING, ALYSSA!  Creativity, sure, but not writing.

And my body and brain know this.  They've been playing along with the facade, but... they know.  They're kind of happy for the excuse, actually.  Because they know something big is coming.  And they're happy to avoid it.

Whatever it is.

This something big has had me sleepless, irritable, weepy, crabby.  It's given me nights upon nights of lucid dreams about really stupid stresses.  It's woken me up at 6am (and everybody knows I don't do 6am willingly) worrying about really stupid things.  It keeps throwing all these really stupid things at me, so I can't see what's behind door number two.

I don't have time for door number two.  I have Don's CD cover to design, then our spring eastern tour to plan, then the Amity Trio's CD to edit, then a new financial software system to learn, then designing a collaborative site for the folk society so everyone can keep track of everything, not to mention the myriad other projects I keep throwing at myself.

None of which are probably terribly important, in the grand scheme of things.  What seems to be important is the numbing, the distraction.  Feeling weepy?  Oh look, shiny thing!

Two hundred and sixty three "overdue" boxes in my to-do list.  Must get those done.  No time, no time...  How much of my unrealistic self-expectation comes from avoidance?

Shhh... don't answer that.

What would happen if I weren't two years behind on everything I thought I ought to do?

Shhh... don't answer that.

What would happen if I took that moment of feeling weepy and just sat there and bawled my eyes out?  What would happen if I took that moment of feeling irritable and just got really, really mad?

Shhh... don't answer that.

Oh look -- shiny thing!!!


  1. So.... I have a theory about 2 year long 'overdue to do's'... they're like boxes never opened after moving... you won't miss them if you just throw them out, sell them at a garage sale... so... I figure, to do's from two years past never were meant to become 'done'. :)

    Have you started throwing up yet? If I'm not mistaken, that's part of your birthing process :)

    Can't wait for the outcome. Bet it's magnificent!


  2. Hmm... we obviously never gave you a tour of the basement! ;-)

    The barfing / birthing has not yet begun. I'm hoping it'll wait until I finish Don's CD cover, because that project actually IS important. The rest are really just "shoulds" that I want to get out of the way. You know, so I can check off the check boxes and consider myself a reasonably good person. Until I see all the other check boxes looming up behind...

    Ah, the things I do to myself!