tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19206103787633996222024-02-20T19:57:18.968-05:00Journeys in Lyssy-landMusings on the-forever-intertwined music, writing, and life. Canadian cellist, singer-songwriter, author, advocate and activist Alyssa Wright explores her creative world and ongoing journey from survivor of childhood sexual abuse to joy-filled Thriver.Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-34396590080829963742014-11-09T18:54:00.005-05:002014-11-09T18:54:40.830-05:00Here's what you've been missing at my new blog siteHey, did you delete the memo? I'm not here anymore, I've got my own blog set up at <a href="http://www.alyssawright.com/ramblings">www.alyssawright.com/ramblings</a> – and I'd love to see you there!<br />
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Here are THREE articles you may have missed:<br />
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<a href="http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/new-beginnings-and-no-more-orphaned-zombie-kittens">http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/new-beginnings-and-no-more-orphaned-zombie-kittens</a><br />
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<a href="http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/angry-that-assault-victims-aren-t-taking-it-to-the-police-stop-silencing-them">http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/angry-that-assault-victims-aren-t-taking-it-to-the-police-stop-silencing-them</a><br />
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<a href="http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/conversations-with-men-about-rape-culture">http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/conversations-with-men-about-rape-culture</a><br />
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Now get on over to the new site, because I don't want you to miss "Part Deux"!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-28788502412548151562014-06-28T17:46:00.001-04:002014-06-28T17:46:06.011-04:00Redirect: June is PTSD Awareness Month, Hold the "D"Hey folks, there's a new post in my new blogging "home": <a href="http://www.alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/june-is-ptsd-awareness-month-hold-the-d">June is PTSD Awareness Month, Hold the "D"</a>Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-72615568065162794222014-02-20T20:48:00.002-05:002014-02-20T20:50:18.050-05:00New blog addressHi folks!<br />
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I've now got all my blogs set up under my own domain at <a href="feed://alyssawright.com/blogs/journeys-in-lyssy-land.atom">feed://alyssawright.com/blogs/journeys-in-lyssy-land.atom</a> -- url is <a href="http://alyssawright.com/ramblings">http://alyssawright.com/ramblings</a><br />
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Still trying to decide whether to keep this one as well, or just send everyone to my main site. Any thoughts, one way or the other?<br />
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Happy trails!<br />
AlyssaAlyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-3368254004667103652014-01-01T21:24:00.000-05:002014-01-02T00:18:30.665-05:00Happy New Year… Please???New Year's Day.<br />
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Hmm… I have been putting this blog off. Very well, to give myself some credit.<br />
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Since my birthday, really. You know, when I do the <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2012/12/the-belated-birthday-breakdown-double.html" target="_blank">birthday recap</a>, what have I learned this year, and what do I hope to learn next year <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2011/11/happy-birthday-baby-narcissist.html" target="_blank">thing</a>… Which I had every intent of doing, but then Frau GateKeeper decided, once again, to use my birthday (and, one month later, Christmas) as an opportunity to remind me just how worthless I am, and seems to have successfully recruited some other close relations into my "shunning", which -- as was obviously the intent -- hurt like hell. So I wasn't really in the head space to recap the year, or think of anything positive about it, and the only thing I wanted to learn was how to do some very naughty things that would probably land me in prison.<br />
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So I figured I could be forgiven for postponing the annual wrap-up to New Year's. Which… well, I guess it's still New Year's Day, but I've been studiously avoiding this all week, not to mention the numerous naps, and games of Angry Birds and casket solitaire that have happened today.<br />
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And even Pollyanna-Me is having difficulty finding the silver lining I always want to include, lest I convince someone (or myself) that life just sucks and you might as well give up now. Reading some other bloggers I follow, I see I'm not alone in that this year. Strangely, that gives me comfort.<br />
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I know a few who have refused to choose a word for the coming year, because 2013 was just so devastatingly disappointing. I'm tempted to join them. But I'm also stubborn -- even if I have to work past the naps and Angry Birds and casket solitaire...<br />
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You see, last birthday, and last New Year's, things were already pretty damned sucky. Frau GateKeeper was having a hay-day, and her attacks were at an all-time high. (These attacks have gone in waves over the years, as somehow she keeps forgetting my initial disclosure of my father's sexually abusing me, plus forgets the numerous times she's since heard me telling the truth about it and attacked me for it each time -- and with each wave the attacks have escalated to the point where I've finally realized I'm just not emotionally safe anywhere near the woman, and never will be.) But the thing is, at the time, I thought that was the worst it was going to get. That I'd finally realized there was no safe way to connect with her, removed myself from her firing range -- and while it hurt, at least I was finally doing something to protect myself, and would never allow anyone else to treat me so badly again. I was down, but digging myself out, and ever hopeful for the future.<br />
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And so, when choosing my "Word of the Year" for 2013, I chose "Daring". I envisioned myself throwing away those chains that had held me back for so long, taking those daring leaps and soaring. The year did, in fact, begin with me doing just that -- making some incredible connections to help make the <a href="http://www.katieproject.ca/" target="_blank">Katie Project</a> come into reality, dancing (!) for <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2013/02/dance-like-nobody-is-watching.html" target="_blank">One Billion Rising</a>, assisting fellow survivors through peer groups, writing again, and starting to feel like I was finally doing my life the way I was supposed to all along.<br />
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When, WHAMMO!, the universe decided to pull a 180 on me. Apparently, "Daring" was not supposed to be my word of the year, the universe made it a tie between "Betrayal" and "Abandonment". Those have certainly been the themes. From the GateKeeper and her newly-recruited minions to my husband to friends I thought I had to even my damned (now ex-) therapist*, the people I thought I could count on to be there for me through thick and thin were dumping me in the ditch or tossing me under the bus or dumping me in the ditch after running over me with the bus. It was down to me and two girlfriends (later, a third) -- and with the resurgence of my abandonment issues and C-PTSD flare-ups, I wasn't really able to count much on me, either. Even my own brain and body were turning against me.<br />
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[* A little break for an important Public Service Announcement: Contrary to my previous assumption, the title "Psychotherapist" is NOT regulated in Ontario -- while they are bringing in new regulations, at the moment anyone and their dog can claim to be a psychotherapist, and not have to belong to any of the regulatory bodies, let alone follow their rules and policies. Including, you know, things like ethical behaviour or -- something I thought was a no-brainer, myself -- CONFIDENTIALITY. Not to mention, having the skills required to work with clients in a healthy and helpful manner. As we later found out, this woman has quite a (ridiculously bad) reputation among ACTUAL psychological health practitioners, and every time we've related anything she said to REAL therapists, they have a hard time keeping their eyebrows stable. Initials are S.F., working in Simcoe county. Run for your life (quite literally -- she apparently believes mockery and humiliation are proper ways to deal with suicidal thoughts, and you can't be depressed if you jump up and down) and search out someone <b><i>actually registered</i></b> with the OCSWSSW or OACCPP or other governing body to get the competent, professional, and <b><i>confidential</i></b> help you deserve.]<br />
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So the annual wrap-up is: from March through December, I got very little done. None of the dreams or goals I'd laid out for myself were attained or completed. Zero to report. Nada. Niente. The Katie Project is on the back burner until I have the mental and emotional energy to give it the attention it deserves. I've barely booked any gigs because I don't know when I'll get the energy back. I haven't written anything. This entire year has been one gigantic unpaid sick leave, and if one more person asks me what cool projects I'm involved in, they might find themselves wiping snot from my nose as I wail from the corner in a foetal position. I have no cool projects. Trying to stay grounded and present and snot-free has been my overwhelming project this year. I'm not sure if I've even succeeded at that. No, I know I haven't.<br />
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What did I learn this year? Everything I'd worked so hard to un-learn in the decades before (I'm unworthy of love, loyalty, compassion, having my basic human needs being met, etc.).<br />
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But then, girlfriend #1 (bless you, Ali!) introduced me to the <a href="http://www.thetraumacentre.ca/" target="_blank">Trauma Centre</a>. And I've been learning a lot. Of the good stuff. Seems I hadn't quite finished in the cognitive therapy department -- I've been hanging on to a lot of really bad assumptions, and using them as excuses for others to treat me really badly, or to ignore my own senses, or deny my own feelings. Yes, even after decades of therapy, I've still got a few more mountains to cross… Both Don and I have been lacing up our hiking boots, jabbing in the pitons, and helping each other across the terrain (when we aren't threatening to jab the pitons into each other's legs, of course…). It hasn't been fun. It hasn't been easy.<br />
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And, after a "Couple's Intensive" workshop weekend we went on in the fall, and the first bit of advice given to me from <a href="http://www.terryreal.com/" target="_blank">Terrence Real</a>, I'm learning not to smile. Which is harder than it seems. When you've spent over 40 years denying your feelings, it's difficult to even acknowledge them, let alone show them. A cheery smile and laugh has always been my best defence -- I embarrassingly remember being fired from a job for the first time (retail clothing sales, I was awful at it!) and laughing hysterically, hearing in high school that a good friend had lost his leg in a horrific accident and giggling like a fool, or my first husband and I deciding to divorce while I skipped merrily on the sidewalk as he watched, dumbfounded. Feeling or showing anything but cheery has always been a dangerous thing for me, from keeping up appearances in my birth family and keeping secrets about my father, to present time when the GateKeepers et al feel the need to punish me every time I admit to having been hurt, for hurting now, or for taking the necessary steps to avoid being hurt again.<br />
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It's all very clear when you're looking at it from the outside. When your trauma brain hasn't gone on walkabout or into a wingy fit.<br />
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I deny my own feelings in order to avoid being attacked for them. When I do get attacked for them, instead of thinking "what an asshole for trying to make me feel what they'd rather I feel", I go into "I shouldn't feel that, what's wrong with me?" and the cycle continues. I've got my work cut out for me… or rather, my trauma therapist has her work cut out for her! OK, it's me doing the work, but her showing me how. This may be long and expensive. :)<br />
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This, of course, is probably just the tip of the iceberg. She does have to work slowly with me, so my brain doesn't go on walkabout or into a wingy fit. I'm seriously considering getting a PTSD dog. Don thinks it's just one of my ploys to get him to let me have a puppy. He could be right, but the way my brain and body have been rebelling this year, I truly feel that it would be practical <i>as well as</i> adorable. :) If you agree, you can offer to write me a letter of recommendation to include with the service dog application that Don may or may not know about ahead of time… ;)<br />
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It's amazing what stays in the body. And in the brain. I've learned how to live on less sleep again, because the nightmares and hyper-vigilance have done a number on my usual 8-hour necessities. Of course, considering how unproductive I've been this year, you might argue that I haven't really learned how to live on less sleep…<br />
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I'm learning how to get back into my body. Which I can't say I like very much. There are some really good reasons why I abandoned it years ago and retreated into my head -- it hurts too much. Going back in really and truly is painful. There's a lot of shit stored down there that I was hoping to forget in the next move (never works, but I keep hoping…). I'm kind of surprised it hasn't already killed me in my sleep -- but maybe that's why I'm not sleeping much.<br />
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I'm learning how to trust my gut -- which, as many friends will remember, was a mantra taped onto the fridge in my previous house. I obviously should have posted a new one here. I'd get a tattoo if I weren't so freaked out by needles. I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to make people feel better. "No Rescuing", "Not My Responsibility" and "Trust Your Gut" were the three mantras staring from my old refrigerator. I'd forgotten them in the last six and a half years since the move, obviously. Time to re-learn.<br />
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OK, how's this -- I've learned that I'm capable of more learning. And probably still require a lot of it. But I've now got experts working with me, and I'm learning. And I've learned that I've got two amazing girlfriends who I love beyond belief, and while I don't wish anything bad to happen to them, I hope I can be there for them in the same way they've been here for me this year.<br />
<br />
What do I hope to learn in 2014? Everything I've missed so far.<br />
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There, that's not too much pressure on myself, is it?<br />
<br />
I have hopes, I have dreams, I have goals. Of course. Most are the leftovers from 2013. So stating them for a second year reminds me of disappointment and fills me with dread. I really don't want to pressure myself. I can't afford to pressure myself.<br />
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So the overarching theme, my "Word of the Year" for 2014 isn't about goals or achievements or who or what I think I ought to be. It's about what I need to do for myself. For the people around me. For those who love me and know what that word really means. Who understand that "Love" isn't a word, or even a feeling, but an action. A series of actions, a series of decisions, not something you merely write at the bottom of a Christmas card or say as you're pummelling the target of your "love" into a ditch under a bus. A word to show myself and those around me what I *AM* worthy of.<br />
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Initially, I though my word was going to be "Healing", but that seems to imply an outcome, a goal -- something I'm capable (more than capable!) of falling flat with again. Too much pressure.<br />
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This next year's word isn't about pressure, it's about giving myself what I need. Giving myself what I've always needed, but was never given, so I always assumed I didn't deserve it, or was too demanding for wanting it in the first place.<br />
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As Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes so beautifully, it is time for me to start "<a href="http://www.soundstrue.com/shop/Warming-the-Stone-Child/381.pd" target="_blank">Warming the Stone Child</a>".<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My word for 2014: <b><i>"Nurture"</i></b></span><br />
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Happy New Year, everyone. That's a wish from the bottom of my heart, for all of us, but especially for those who I know were struggling with 2013 as well, and who are having difficulty staring into the face of yet another year. We can do this. We deserve to do it well.<br />
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As <a href="http://www.tut.com/Inspiration/nftu" target="_blank">The Universe</a> told me this morning, "<i>[we are all] infinite, powerful, fun-loving gladiators of the universe, with eternity before [us] and the power of [our] thoughts to help shape it."</i><br />
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I'm putting on my tiara and hiking shoes, packing a nice bottle of Rioja, some good brie, and my new toolbox, and sliding in to a nice, hot bath. How about you?Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-17846148145625206012013-10-15T19:08:00.001-04:002013-10-15T19:08:45.885-04:00Gratitude -- yes, reallyThere's nothing like an annual holiday to bookmark life events, or life quagmires.<br />
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Thanksgiving last year, I was in a state of wide-eyed anticipation, eager to get started and continue on a number of projects dear to my heart, looking forward to family visits and other usually-joyful occasions.<br />
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The year in between, however, has been characterized by betrayal, abandonment, and loss. Each of my closest primary relationships -- other than the girlfriends, god bless the girlfriends! -- in fact, has dealt me a blow of abandonment and/or betrayal this year. In spectacular fashion. And may I defy the censors and emphasize, in spec-fucking-tacular fashion. This is a year which has left me crumpled in a heap on the floor, from which I am still attempting to gather up my pieces, and hoping some of the prettier ones will be krazy-glue-able back together.<br />
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Not to put too fine a point on it, but this year has truly sucked. In spec-sucking-tacular suckitude (bite me, spellcheck!).<br />
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The year that was supposed to hold such joy and promise and kick-assedness and taking-on-the-world and making-my-dreams-come-true and shiny happy rainbow coloured puppies and ponies has instead been one of despair and desolation and getting my ass kicked into the deep, dark ground.<br />
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Happy Freakin' Thanksgiving. Gobble gobble gobble PITY PARTY! (Great head space for a Thanksgiving post on gratitude, eh what?)<br />
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Listening to everyone giving thanks for their shiny happy rainbows, reading Twitter and FaceBook posts about their thankfulness for smiling puppies and ponies and people who stick by them no matter what and love them the way they deserve... I knew I was supposed to come up with something... Dear lord, I spent four months blogging about "The Week in Awesome" towards the beginning of this <i>anno horribilus</i>, surely I could come up with SOMETHING other than <i>"I'm thankful I haven't stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork, so have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender."</i><br />
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(Although, considering the year it's been, I should probably be quite proud about that awesome fact...)<br />
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And I thus was spending the first half of Thanksgiving weekend fully entrenched in "waah, waaah, waaaahhhh!" mode.<br />
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But then I came across this quote in a friend's FB post:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>It is relatively easy to feel grateful when good things are happening, and life is going the way we want it to. A much greater challenge is to be grateful when things are not going so well, and are not going the way we think they should...</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>The religious traditions encourage us to do more than react with passivity and resignation to loss and crisis; they advise us to change our perspective, so that our suffering is transformed into an opportunity for growth. Not only does the experience of tragedy give us an exceptional opportunity for growth, but some sort of suffering is also necessary for a person to achieve maximal psychological growth.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>In his study of self-actualizers, the paragons of mental wellness, the famed humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow noted that "the most important learning lessons... were tragedies, deaths, and trauma... which forced change in the life-outlook of the person and consequently in everything that he did."</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: right;">
[Robert Emmons, from <b><i>"Thanks!"</i></b> ]</blockquote>
...and was floored, humbled and challenged.<br />
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Opportunities for growth abound right now. Heck, by the time I deal with them all, I'll be eight feet tall with a brain the size of Texas! ;)<br />
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But yes, this conglomeration of tragedies and traumas forced me to (finally) take my dear friend Ali's advice (did I mention my awesome girlfriends?) and "enrol" myself at the Trauma Centre, to deal with the next stage (how many friggin' stages are there, fer cryin' out loud?!?!?) of my recovery from that childhood rife with opportunities for growth. And just a couple of months in, I can feel myself drop-kicked off the old plateau and zooming to new heights.<br />
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To a place where I know that, no matter who I am or what I do, I don't deserve to be treated as anything less than human. That speaking my truth is not punishable by violence (physical or emotional). That I have every right to expect honesty, loyalty and integrity from the people who demand it of me. And that those who claim to love me had better put their actions and behaviours behind their words, and not just at those moments when they want me to do something for them.<br />
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Yes, I realize this all seems like kind of a no-brainer to most people, but... you might need to read some previous blog posts to get a wee hint at how very foreign these concepts are to someone who was groomed from an early age to be paedophile-fodder / caregiver / rescuer / doormat / outlet-for-your-rage, sire / secret-keeper. (Plus, holy crap... I must say that I'm discovering more and more layers of that grooming via my ongoing therapeutic work -- there's probably a LOT of people right now praying the secret-keeper brainwashing is gonna stick, because the forget-everything-or-at-least-believe-you're-only-remembering-because-you're-the-crazy-one brainwashing is rapidly being chiselled away as I come to fully realize the depth and breadth of my abuse...)<br />
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As it turns out, while I obviously haven't allowed any more physical or sexual abuse back in my life, I had sunk back into the caregiver / rescuer / doormat / secret-keeper mode quite easily, while also harbouring dysfunctional thoughts such as "I don't deserve", "I am less than" and "I am unworthy", and training others to use, abuse and ignore me, because that was surely my place in the world.<br />
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Egads. The things we do to ourselves...<br />
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And, using that whole frog-in-a-gradually-brought-to-a-boil-pot-of-water analogy, I guess it really did take the "perfect storm" of betrayals and abandonments before I could snap out of complacency and acceptance-of-shitty-treatment and say "Hey, cut that out! I deserve better!" To do a total re-wire (work in progress, of course...) and reprogramming of what I would and would not accept and expect in my life. To try to salvage and rebuild the broken relationships with those who are willing to join in the new programming and also do the work this process requires. To stop tap-dancing my ass off to somehow single-handedly build a healthy relationship with someone whose only goal is to tear me down and who wouldn't know "healthy" if it bit them in the ass. To put the reluctant ones on hold until I can get a better handle on things. To make my own needs and safety on equal footing with, or even (gasp!) more important than other's desires. To treat myself as sacred. (Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that one -- I did warn you, it's a work-in-progress...)<br />
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To treat myself as sacred.<br />
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Not the one who gets the leftover crumbs, if there are any, after everyone else's needs have been attended to. Not the one who only gets to speak up if there's zero chance of anyone being even slightly bothered by what I have to say. Not the one who quietly waits in the corner for someone to recognize that she's a human being as well, and is worthy, as much as, and deserving.<br />
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No-one else will recognize these basic truths if I don't recognize them for myself. No-one else will treat me as human if I'm telling them not to worry about treating me with basic common decency.<br />
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If I want people to treat me as human, I have to treat myself as sacred. And I have to keep reminding myself of this until it stops making me want to vomit, and I'm nine feet tall with a brain the size of Australia. (Still 5'6", but... work-in-progress, didn't I mention?)<br />
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And I wouldn't have remembered to do this, were it not for this year turning out so very different than originally planned.<br />
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So, here I am: grateful for all the terrible things that were done to me this year. Not grateful in a way that means I will accept this kind of treatment from anyone ever again -- yes, I'm looking at you, assholes-in-waiting, so just put it out of your mind -- but grateful for the reminder that, as a card-carrying human being, I do not deserve to be mistreated, and I am well within my rights to refuse to accept violence of any sort (without that being an invitation for more violence!).<br />
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I am grateful for the opportunity to re-draw and fortify my boundaries.<br />
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I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild my life on more solid foundations.<br />
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I am grateful that there are people willing to rebuild with me, and some awesome girlfriends cheering me on.<br />
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I am grateful for the reminder to not be less than, to reclaim my voice, to be the best me I can be, and to know that whoever and whatever I am at any given moment is the best me I can be under the current circumstances.<br />
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Yessirree, I am grateful to the gate-keepers, the liars, the abandoners, the cheats, the betrayers, the backstabbers, the assholes and the abusers. They have shown me who they are, and reminded me of who I am. I am not who they want me to be. They do not define me, but I can take these circumstances and use them to better define myself. Be who I want to be.<br />
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I am grateful to those who are willing to learn along with me that I do deserve better, and are willing to make the effort to offer up the treatment I deserve.<br />
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I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow, and reshape my life into something better.<br />
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I am and forever shall be grateful to the <a href="http://www.thetraumacentre.ca/">Trauma Centre</a> for the incredible work they're doing -- for me and for everyone who needs their services. Grateful to Ali for pointing me there.<br />
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I am grateful to the girlfriends, most especially Ali and Lisa, who make me laugh, and cry, and mix some mighty tasty martinis, and who have been there for me even when I've pretended I don't need anyone there for me.<br />
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I am grateful that the liver is a forgiving organ. Because... see previous point about my girlfriends' awesome drink-mixing abilities.<br />
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I am grateful for my honorary and chosen family. I can't change my blood, genes, nor history, but I can decide who to keep close to my heart, who to trust, who to share my life with. I have a beautiful pool of people who fit the bill. :)<br />
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I am, indeed, grateful that I have not stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork this year, and therefore have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender.<br />
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I am grateful that those projects and dreams that had to be put on hold for a while will still be possible when I'm ready to pursue them again.<br />
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I am grateful that I have the resources available to take this next step in my healing and recovery.<br />
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I am grateful that, this time next year, I'm going to be eleven feet tall, with a brain the size of the planet.Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-26704126757936048282013-07-17T14:09:00.002-04:002013-07-17T14:09:27.077-04:00Happy Anniversary, yes, really<i>(Sorry for the absence. The weekly "awesome" just hasn't been in the cards, recently. I will be back, things will be awesome again. Just have needed a lot of time to deal with a lot of things recently -- the below just being the tip of the iceberg. Thanks for giving me my much-needed space, dear readers.)</i><br />
<br />
As those of you who follow The Brights' blog at <a href="http://brightsroots.blogspot.ca/">brightsroots.blogspot.ca</a> already know, Don and I are enjoying a fabulous anniversary week at <a href="http://sirsamsinn.com/">Sir Sam's Inn</a>. And today is our third anniversary. And we love each other.<br />
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Which, if you'd asked us three years ago, would have been a given. Heck, if you'd asked us even three seasons ago, it would have been a no-brainer. Three months ago? We would have said "Hah! Not bloody well gonna happen." But it did. We made it. We're here.<br />
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Life does throw us some mighty big challenges sometimes...<br />
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Or, in our case, Life says "Hey, you know what? I just found this ginormous pile of shit you've been avoiding dealing with for several decades, but I'm trying to clear out some space, so here you go, DO SOMETHING with it." And then you say "Hell no, there's a reason why I didn't want to deal with all that, I don't want it!" So then you start flinging it at your wife, who then says "Hell no, that's yours not mine, deal with your own shit!" and flings it right back at you. And then after you've both been hit squarely in the eye with a lob or two, you both look around and realize that, no matter whose shit it was to begin with, you both have a LOT of cleaning up to do.<br />
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I don't write this (solely) to see what the cursing police at Blogger will do with that whole description. Nor simply as a Public Service Reminder to deal with your shit sometime BEFORE it ends up all over you, your home, and everyone you love (although that would be a REALLY AWESOME Public Service Announcement, just sayin'...)<br />
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I am writing this to say that you never know what Life (or love) is going to fling at you next, no matter how good things seem to be going. But that no matter what Life (or love) does fling at you, you can survive it. And if you (and whoever else is in the shit-party with you) are willing to put in the work, you can not only survive it, but make it better -- probably better than it was even before you knew it was awful. Yes, really. Better. For Realsies.<br />
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No matter how dark (or shitty) things look, it can and will get better.<br />
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(Now, as someone for whom it has already not gotten better twice, I feel the need to make a caveat -- it can and will get better if BOTH PARTIES are willing to put in the work. Which we both are. Which is why we're here.)<br />
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Four months ago (to the day, now that I think about it), I thought I'd lost everything and everyone that mattered most to me (other than Ali, because she's just friggin' invincible). Three months ago, I didn't see any way through. Three months ago, nobody could have ever convinced me that we'd be spending our anniversary side by side, holding hands, loving each other and looking forward to the future. (As in our future TOGETHER, not our future on opposite sides of the planet, armed with army-grade shit-flingers.)<br />
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There's still some cleaning up to do, we're still working hard. There are many things to sort through, many wounds, old and new, that still need a whole lot of healing. Still some lingering stink. But we're working together. Life is good. We're laughing and having fun and loving each other and loving life and looking forward to many more poop-free anniversaries to come.<br />
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Life apparently still had a lesson left for me: you CAN do this. When the going gets tough, the tough get staying. :)<br />
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So happy anniversary to the man worth staying for. And to the man who was willing to start working through that old, dark and stinky muck because he thought staying with me was worth it.<br />
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First anniversary is paper, third anniversary is, apparently, Lysol...<br />
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Ah well, nobody ever promised a life full of rainbows and lollypops. That's why the traditional wedding vows are "through better or worse". (Although I'm thinking they might want to rephrase it as "through worse or better", just to keep a light going at the end of the tunnel... just sayin'.) But it is better. Much better. It will be even better.<br />
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Happy Anniversary to the Love of My Life. Thank you for being here. Thanks for, once again, proving "them" wrong. I adore you.<br />
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<i>(And thanks to our close friends, who have stuck by our side, despite the stink -- we love you all! But you can't join us this week, no matter how much you beg. Because... eeew.)</i><br />
Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-59559053903748818602013-03-17T20:59:00.000-04:002013-03-17T20:59:01.503-04:00The Week in AwesomeOK, we're back to the usual version, where I post things by OTHER people that are awesome. My inner child feels much more comfortable with this. ;)<br />
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First up, a fabulous video by Project Unspoken -- which seems to me to be associated with the Emory University Office of Health Promotion. And what a great campaign they've got going!<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ljTE83k1DD0" width="560"></iframe><br /></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljTE83k1DD0&feature=youtu.be">Project Unspoken: You're not just a victim. You're a survivor.</a></div>
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Next, the 2012 version of "Where the Hell is Matt?" -- he always puts a smile on my face, and I hope he does the same for you. This is what joy looks like all around the world.<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Pwe-pA6TaZk">Where the Hell is Matt? 2012</a></div>
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And, finally, a great conference in Toronto, if you're in the area -- I'm trying my bestest to attend, and one of the speakers is a new friend of mine, Deb Maybury. She's also about to release a new book, which includes a song of mine -- I'll share the details of her book launch as soon as I have them.<br />
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<span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="http://www.thegatehouse.org/content/transforming-trauma-triumph-conference-april-23-2013"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaN2WKN53gOA9gMCwDtqespF7tGLaniP2dVNj05_6DqjdCWhLJcGS-xCEvkWg3UvIiLsOoktFJiG4xsfe8n7qPHggidCZKBr8lPrPFwj-xk8sZ3fJX6RTJ9UQ2XCf-g498avPl0xYYGCbD/s320/Conference+Poster+2013.jpg" width="247" /></a></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.thegatehouse.org/content/transforming-trauma-triumph-conference-april-23-2013">Transforming Trauma into Triumph Conference</a></div>
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That's it for now -- have an awesome week, everyone!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-40992782308339995702013-03-10T23:55:00.001-04:002013-03-10T23:55:47.821-04:00The on-time week in Awesome!Alrighty, I will briefly begin with what is making me dance the happy dance:<br />
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We had the second Steering Committee meeting of the Katie Project! Yes, it's gone back to being called the Katie Project, rather than foundation -- yes, the website will reflect that soon. We got our official mission statement together, created an official mission statement, and are on our way to strategic planning in meeting #3. I love my committee, and I'm so very excited to finally be making this dream come true!!!<br />
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My hubby has finally started his trip home after four long weeks of being out west. Yes, I did the happy dance to have the house to myself, but I'll be doing an even better happy dance when he finally gets back. I'm complicated that way. :)<br />
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Speaking of which, I had a fun night with my friend Ali, and we took our Attachment Styles quiz -- I am, apparently, "fearful". Yeah, it wasn't a big surprise. Although the big surprise was that I was *NOT* all the way in the far right bottom quadrant, I've actually worked my way closer to centre. So things are looking up. And Don can take of his helmet... most of the time. ;)<br />
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And now, things that have nothing to do with me.<br />
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My friend Paul has started a wonderful thread on FaceBook about childhood bullying. There were a couple of judgemental twits who told him he should "just get over it" -- but you know how well I react to that kind of statement... The years before five last the rest of their lives... and the years before adult... still suck, regardless of the rhyme. Just sayin'. I'm not sure if he's made the posts public, but you'll find out by visiting https://www.facebook.com/paul.bickell.1<br />
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And Shane Koyzcan has done an <i style="font-weight: bold;">Incredibly Beautiful</i> TED talk on that very subject. Invest in a box of tissues and some Wonder Woman (or SuperMan) paraphernalia before watching.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" mozallowfullscreen="" scrolling="no" src="http://embed.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful.html" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="560"></iframe>
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I've been in love with this man's art and passion for several years, but this talk pretty much does me in. :)<br />
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Have an awesome week, everyone!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-29679316722244260812013-03-05T20:41:00.001-05:002013-03-05T20:42:05.020-05:00Awesome 'R' UsActually, I "R" a bit of a crankypants, as my service provider (won't name any names, but it rhymes with GoPro Hosting) just arbitrarily wiped my mail account and is offering neither an explanation, nor a return of a day's worth of gig- and tour-related correspondence, so I'M ABOUT READY FOR SOME AWESOME, how 'bout you?<br />
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This week's Awesome is small but mighty. And yes, it's not external awesomeness but something I was involved in but am kind of proud of. :)<br />
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It's my sister's 40th birthday this week, and her hubby threw her a surprise karaoke party on Saturday to celebrate. Don's in BC right now and I... well I just couldn't handle facing the GateKeeper on my own, nor did I wish upon my sister the inevitable scene if said GateKeeper saw my face there, so I stayed home with a glass (or three) of wine and thought of her (my sister, not GK) fondly.<br />
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In lieu of our presence, Don and I enlisted the help of our friend Tyler Knight to create a video to send for the party. We kind of broke the karaoke rules and made up our own lyrics, but we're sure you'll agree they were appropriate for the occasion!<br />
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Please note that when we added the birthday greeting, our software messed up the resolution and put a few glitches into the recording, so if you'd prefer to see the "clean" original video (a much better example of Tyler's magic), he's got a copy up on his YouTube site here: <a href="http://youtu.be/xgtdZYGUBbc">Sad But True Babe</a>.<br />
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But the birthday greeting adds just that extra little bit o' cheese, so here is the lower-quality but higher(?)-comedy version that my sis got to see at the party:<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/KTrzDQw3wno">Sad But True Babe</a></div>
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Have an awesome week, everyone -- I'll hopefully be less of a crankypants next week!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-4944124270357292792013-02-24T23:17:00.001-05:002013-02-24T23:17:21.001-05:00Awesomeness Revisited (We are beautiful, beautiful creatures...)Not only is the Awesome Report <u>on time</u> this week, but Lisa's hubby Paul got the <a href="http://www.onebillionrising.org/">One Billion Rising</a> photos and video to me just in time to be included in -- nay, the focal point of -- this week's report. I am re-energized by watching the community rally, and so proud to have been a part of this event, pathetic dancing skills aside...<br />
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(For those of you catching up on this dancing journey, I first mentioned OBR here: <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2013/01/last-week-in-awesome_28.html">Last Week in Awesome</a>, reported on my progress here: <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2013/02/dance-like-nobody-is-watching.html">Dance Like Nobody is Watching</a>, and apologized for the lack of footage here: <a href="http://alyssawright.blogspot.ca/2013/02/awesomeness-postponed.html">Awesomeness Postponed</a>.)</div>
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And here is the official recap of my V-Day One Billion Rising experience!:</div>
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As previously noted, I had cornered my friend Lisa at girls' night after several glasses of wine and she'd agreed to join me in dancing, so I wouldn't chicken out. She recruited her hubby Paul to chauffeur us and take photos and video, so that</div>
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<ol>
<li>we wouldn't chicken out</li>
<li>there would be evidence of us not chickening out</li>
<li>we could drink enough wine so as to not chicken out</li>
<li>all of the above</li>
</ol>
And so, we met at their house mid-afternoon, to do some more practising and all-important wine lubricating.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Preparing to Dance</td></tr>
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Maggie, the Chocolate Lab, tried to rescue us a few times as we practised, or maybe she was joining in -- she wasn't much worse than we were, really. And then it was time to head down to Five Points!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Maggie wishes us luck</td></tr>
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As we were pulling in, there were already a few people gathering -- by the time we'd found a parking spot and walked back to the park, it was really teeming!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here we go!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The people are starting to gather</td></tr>
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The original plan was to look nonchalant and then spontaneously break into dance (yes, there just happened to be a big-ass sound system in the middle of the park in February...). But there were so many people gathered, it was impossible to pretend nothing was happening. One report I saw said there were 200-250, another said over 500 -- I'm guessing the 500 probably included spectators. Arif, a city counsellor who was dancing with us, said we'd have to shut down the whole intersection next year, since we won't be able to fit in the park if anyone else shows up!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Arif and Lisa finally meet in person</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photographing the photographers! (Tina and Paul)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP80pliJRc1tPoRUJavwc64vJ7ZPDRDeYGFTSw4zPipFZMynrgHwn1jWKkHnw2NNbxgJQkOizESHYpEUc87_DycRvI-Z1WIlFV7v4Vy7geQTWdntkzs9YTpbIvepHgpP5vM7_rjU62m-Hb/s1600/IMG_0148.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP80pliJRc1tPoRUJavwc64vJ7ZPDRDeYGFTSw4zPipFZMynrgHwn1jWKkHnw2NNbxgJQkOizESHYpEUc87_DycRvI-Z1WIlFV7v4Vy7geQTWdntkzs9YTpbIvepHgpP5vM7_rjU62m-Hb/s320/IMG_0148.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Paul keeps his distance (still not sure whether to admit knowing us)</td></tr>
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There were women, men, boys and girls dancing, folks in wheelchairs or with walkers, people who actually know how to dance and people who just bopped up and down a little. Drivers honked, the media took photos and interviews, it. was. happening!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trying to look nonchalant, like nothing is happening</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPfQlXfZAjUmo_HM6EV9YmaQWpMn2NYSBZkNRMtqChO3GOxW-dWeNlIYUjY8zeyPnVEaRF8jrRPq7s_0PVKXzs-eBRR3B9Qg1xHXBNZEoisIXJsQ5C12X-ih3dX9CTHNRYJzJKxT7X7Ruy/s1600/IMG_0150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPfQlXfZAjUmo_HM6EV9YmaQWpMn2NYSBZkNRMtqChO3GOxW-dWeNlIYUjY8zeyPnVEaRF8jrRPq7s_0PVKXzs-eBRR3B9Qg1xHXBNZEoisIXJsQ5C12X-ih3dX9CTHNRYJzJKxT7X7Ruy/s320/IMG_0150.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yup, nothing happening here!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTI3oGS6TbhrkvqNAKJPGOZE9g7BJYSptoMbTkF5PfGr-EfV2rf5p-lhfoJPSLg0YsZsCPbaYCZ1wKalWB8BSAAFooRvGl0MnaYguf8-_FljmH62ekfoMJp-3ssnVGsZ4ZdcRnbtyE3EGB/s1600/IMG_0151.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTI3oGS6TbhrkvqNAKJPGOZE9g7BJYSptoMbTkF5PfGr-EfV2rf5p-lhfoJPSLg0YsZsCPbaYCZ1wKalWB8BSAAFooRvGl0MnaYguf8-_FljmH62ekfoMJp-3ssnVGsZ4ZdcRnbtyE3EGB/s320/IMG_0151.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisa, trying to forgive me</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There were some of the folks from the <a href="http://barrieshelter.com/">Women & Children's Shelter of Barrie</a> taking part, as well as some of the gals from last year's Vagina Monologues (which we're repeating this April 23 & 24 -- stay tuned!). The pianist from the Amity Trio and I bumped into each other and were equally surprised to see the other.<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCKKzBr5CmfyVgh4tSaoVoIYpj3HpzIttiF6Owy7xfehyjEKp2cT7qDpFmYBui3e_8baZorczrZTKF4yYf5qG4B1lT7Sha8yKaPPQO6XoLuhiHEJodsjr9bkj196ixbglZi8mp0GjY8O5k/s1600/IMG_0152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCKKzBr5CmfyVgh4tSaoVoIYpj3HpzIttiF6Owy7xfehyjEKp2cT7qDpFmYBui3e_8baZorczrZTKF4yYf5qG4B1lT7Sha8yKaPPQO6XoLuhiHEJodsjr9bkj196ixbglZi8mp0GjY8O5k/s320/IMG_0152.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Risers to the right</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuEwX4xSARtA2DggnuYk4TZr4-uEjH0hKuVRaHJeMsGodyf3cHXj7kmF4RIOQXZfLAFNOCCbBbxKCculwQ-6Ticz1CJcSb1wSoC0BwmmvrUBnPvK4HDcH0SAoAKpVEk_K9jBHaLURBlaOG/s1600/IMG_0153.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuEwX4xSARtA2DggnuYk4TZr4-uEjH0hKuVRaHJeMsGodyf3cHXj7kmF4RIOQXZfLAFNOCCbBbxKCculwQ-6Ticz1CJcSb1wSoC0BwmmvrUBnPvK4HDcH0SAoAKpVEk_K9jBHaLURBlaOG/s320/IMG_0153.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Risers to the left</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3O6z9howIBuR8OMYn93mskcYrK7WXRslgwyljcoBuWbu7CkP1T5f7k32zTRO8k7vaO9bckTo-DXHXQhjqMsCIjI7xa9kn5erMs5Mbk6Mucz-5PEJ_m-3uS_DxQfmHaGxCZhxpaLO52RRe/s1600/IMG_0154.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3O6z9howIBuR8OMYn93mskcYrK7WXRslgwyljcoBuWbu7CkP1T5f7k32zTRO8k7vaO9bckTo-DXHXQhjqMsCIjI7xa9kn5erMs5Mbk6Mucz-5PEJ_m-3uS_DxQfmHaGxCZhxpaLO52RRe/s320/IMG_0154.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Risers in front</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div>
The police were there to keep everyone safe, just in case, but they weren't needed -- everyone was happy and supportive, and we had nothing but positive feedback from everyone.</div>
<div>
<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKfKceZh1kYSJHoxOU5n-lprzRiB4PDSa5S5wxfkURknHVnBsIxjFXk_VHtDRJBti3dxGXTOVDpQqQexqexqPvohPQfBuwNL5QrxidNOOjGNqO5zZx_5ToKB976-zmhrIdzYXYqSrCJ1j1/s1600/IMG_3560.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKfKceZh1kYSJHoxOU5n-lprzRiB4PDSa5S5wxfkURknHVnBsIxjFXk_VHtDRJBti3dxGXTOVDpQqQexqexqPvohPQfBuwNL5QrxidNOOjGNqO5zZx_5ToKB976-zmhrIdzYXYqSrCJ1j1/s320/IMG_3560.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy, laughing risers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEl9125B59bvset8Mbn2xTrWh9QV1nocJFqQQ9BRvQ2ec50AW18tDPK3saLoAACsaDFHEs231qFy_0ER6KeDD8GVO_r8l3uH2Z5lW9lEatWgs9ipHc-NOFsWeY-MIJKlMG6SE3mMezmYzS/s1600/IMG_3561.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEl9125B59bvset8Mbn2xTrWh9QV1nocJFqQQ9BRvQ2ec50AW18tDPK3saLoAACsaDFHEs231qFy_0ER6KeDD8GVO_r8l3uH2Z5lW9lEatWgs9ipHc-NOFsWeY-MIJKlMG6SE3mMezmYzS/s320/IMG_3561.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Slighty dazed and what-am-I-about-to-do risers</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
A few words from our fearless leader, Shannon the Dynamo, and we were off! (As in, to the races... not like bad milk...)<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSFOmKuRY4FDZqG42aoFh_eFZTnDvcWjFBcsdXWzgGoz3sL9ZjUQl8-HZIaug1q4-eJ3visxPpFAb7yuxPRgk1kasL6BvB3cVQgEpLYP0v0Ka_DlhzqIvhfiEZoBTtBtDk7jf0-dKzAU3/s1600/IMG_3571.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSFOmKuRY4FDZqG42aoFh_eFZTnDvcWjFBcsdXWzgGoz3sL9ZjUQl8-HZIaug1q4-eJ3visxPpFAb7yuxPRgk1kasL6BvB3cVQgEpLYP0v0Ka_DlhzqIvhfiEZoBTtBtDk7jf0-dKzAU3/s320/IMG_3571.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shannon (the organizer) speaks with the media</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZXLqp1uB-YQDCXsN_FvmUGt_at25Tik4yhxEQ0twTpQz34TcWv0vRk9D4dbkIjINWuy8O2Y74jGniqYZRG60a558nJgSBQnEGhOW5Pm-dtRZT4A2ICi2NK6X8024kbpD0Q4zKVOyOs4hm/s1600/IMG_0155.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZXLqp1uB-YQDCXsN_FvmUGt_at25Tik4yhxEQ0twTpQz34TcWv0vRk9D4dbkIjINWuy8O2Y74jGniqYZRG60a558nJgSBQnEGhOW5Pm-dtRZT4A2ICi2NK6X8024kbpD0Q4zKVOyOs4hm/s320/IMG_0155.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We get our final instructions</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3aUqW35UabMESZNih_WPP1IbwZ7rzGymQmd-eFkztpXjkWJN_0FWV2qEgEh615-vowPSDDFJJwvx77q10Xe5hgBUbTcdhX0dkYaUsVO-A26llpwEG84ghta601Q0MKiFetezUj0fzCtRV/s1600/IMG_0156.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3aUqW35UabMESZNih_WPP1IbwZ7rzGymQmd-eFkztpXjkWJN_0FWV2qEgEh615-vowPSDDFJJwvx77q10Xe5hgBUbTcdhX0dkYaUsVO-A26llpwEG84ghta601Q0MKiFetezUj0fzCtRV/s320/IMG_0156.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are we ready?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3Giiuv1r90rPSqIjJmEuYsYx679S64_GMZixaDciWZ7duKbUkXLOJMuDM0yb5RqFRhz9Ifu-wClflMc3ps74QRnPYKOGL-hU4nUU93I8BEZD26DXXy4PbviOQ20eTb-92R_hjJed7Hy6/s1600/IMG_0157.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx3Giiuv1r90rPSqIjJmEuYsYx679S64_GMZixaDciWZ7duKbUkXLOJMuDM0yb5RqFRhz9Ifu-wClflMc3ps74QRnPYKOGL-hU4nUU93I8BEZD26DXXy4PbviOQ20eTb-92R_hjJed7Hy6/s320/IMG_0157.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think we're starting soon</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitmNbi7UqLu32NBhxanCNu_G-quRHbacsRd5CKHJBMHuALdDGEypZFJ4FuNchrfx3bWgr4zSkUJiwMFLbUMKhXSnwEPjOfNga-Z75-Km9oP5sji3tR_nNrU9dYm-EvWf7zwNIOtdQ1y8H4/s1600/IMG_0158.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitmNbi7UqLu32NBhxanCNu_G-quRHbacsRd5CKHJBMHuALdDGEypZFJ4FuNchrfx3bWgr4zSkUJiwMFLbUMKhXSnwEPjOfNga-Z75-Km9oP5sji3tR_nNrU9dYm-EvWf7zwNIOtdQ1y8H4/s320/IMG_0158.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Too late to turn back now</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPGtLSxxkHQ2CTDu_09bzXx4QUnRJpQigVK4DRoF-vEFyb0RNfDMgLPLiV-4EyoQhoFZJ0deQu1SdwKCeW4NrRIskPTLIhcAHgv9MtaLKSLXxh9dwv0qs4oPM34L4eD0YBmDaZp3l83RdF/s1600/IMG_3577.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPGtLSxxkHQ2CTDu_09bzXx4QUnRJpQigVK4DRoF-vEFyb0RNfDMgLPLiV-4EyoQhoFZJ0deQu1SdwKCeW4NrRIskPTLIhcAHgv9MtaLKSLXxh9dwv0qs4oPM34L4eD0YBmDaZp3l83RdF/s320/IMG_3577.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And Dance!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Alrighty, here is the video evidence of me... DANCING IN PUBLIC!!!</div>
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This was Lisa's son's camera which Paul had never used before, so he didn't realize that taking some stills would disrupt the video and there are a few glitches. Also, he was standing right next to the speaker that stopped working for much of the dance, so you'll hear quite a dip in the sound mid-way (it comes back!). Paul apologizes profusely.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6VOD4yle-xs?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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I think I only said the f-word once (not audible on the video), and only knocked one person in the shins. A rather successful dance, I'd say!!!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC2rZj1HWAjyUp-EHsulzUMLVJXVwy4uT4ScQML5sYXlPWZkT4E1_-w-vxdVHmiB4wg7UeRNc6SZ1APc_bh4hh4Tfv1-S9dWlq5_wSpHrcmc6o_t7FGIrWKQor9eyj4JIjkFk1zR5gJ169/s1600/IMG_3580.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC2rZj1HWAjyUp-EHsulzUMLVJXVwy4uT4ScQML5sYXlPWZkT4E1_-w-vxdVHmiB4wg7UeRNc6SZ1APc_bh4hh4Tfv1-S9dWlq5_wSpHrcmc6o_t7FGIrWKQor9eyj4JIjkFk1zR5gJ169/s320/IMG_3580.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We are beautiful, beautiful creatures!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Afterwards, Shannon gave a thank-you and speech, and then Andrea surprised her with a thank you from all of us!</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVQ9PPlnDadNvw0jr91kNcVZ7yIdLT1xygtFC7CQAxCaqU7XZVpMbODN4EHgjFSKhrCbMSSAGIP3EddBj6fu3e7RXG9caqiPr9NjCNfN53XFdpy_ZUTcJ7u5v8OFNRD8HxKAku0GCq754d/s1600/IMG_0159.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVQ9PPlnDadNvw0jr91kNcVZ7yIdLT1xygtFC7CQAxCaqU7XZVpMbODN4EHgjFSKhrCbMSSAGIP3EddBj6fu3e7RXG9caqiPr9NjCNfN53XFdpy_ZUTcJ7u5v8OFNRD8HxKAku0GCq754d/s320/IMG_0159.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shannon's final speech</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCdOZ_hDkL5sD4LdDMLY-bqXpUSB1rIFkbt-pw69pMluAjVp2CGqoAGyiP22cw1KuNCK4xJNotQ6mxFFoLAdMFHmicq60nsCxjVdbOyz6hHaPF9IIr6IQxTupuohFZNnCFDxRs1rE3g7Ch/s1600/IMG_0161.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCdOZ_hDkL5sD4LdDMLY-bqXpUSB1rIFkbt-pw69pMluAjVp2CGqoAGyiP22cw1KuNCK4xJNotQ6mxFFoLAdMFHmicq60nsCxjVdbOyz6hHaPF9IIr6IQxTupuohFZNnCFDxRs1rE3g7Ch/s320/IMG_0161.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Andrea thanks Shannon for all her hard work</td></tr>
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And there was much smiling and cheering and joyfulness had by all.<br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC8vHH4iim8VY9mhzXKpyEwe1tpUzCSIhBLLILJMFTqJGCXDKzC4gIGo8Fp_nJsXMdlnZewj_Po7srXO4uBgXfEl-ydg_5m95peVoCk5KIrgMyk7tnzKl24H_M77c-tZkjTHLyTV8i_6lG/s1600/IMG_3575.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC8vHH4iim8VY9mhzXKpyEwe1tpUzCSIhBLLILJMFTqJGCXDKzC4gIGo8Fp_nJsXMdlnZewj_Po7srXO4uBgXfEl-ydg_5m95peVoCk5KIrgMyk7tnzKl24H_M77c-tZkjTHLyTV8i_6lG/s320/IMG_3575.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For One Billion Rising</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlCJx7iAiz1HHWZxcQRqTBQGqevu5lwP6upPCvyb0CX5BKrvnz6_hRvzyiLEr-fGY27dEvjSgrBGE27uhqZShGtH2ZYSyhN3e5Q68Rx6p-4R31IoTVzh4vyhrdCME5Q-Nsar_GgPLhglN/s1600/IMG_0160.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnlCJx7iAiz1HHWZxcQRqTBQGqevu5lwP6upPCvyb0CX5BKrvnz6_hRvzyiLEr-fGY27dEvjSgrBGE27uhqZShGtH2ZYSyhN3e5Q68Rx6p-4R31IoTVzh4vyhrdCME5Q-Nsar_GgPLhglN/s320/IMG_0160.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Holy crap, we did it!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVTbfCVisJbmcnJf3LTgvrhruH8diOCL2F5_9bf_oDWhDafVO4hId58tTN2g9Rb1zw6KE5krdBjzihwCwjtLwYfbZdUY0Rg07u90jBTeDMzLqUtfvEZ3U6iYb6h3_Bynu4zVMv5UCgEF4X/s1600/IMG_3572.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVTbfCVisJbmcnJf3LTgvrhruH8diOCL2F5_9bf_oDWhDafVO4hId58tTN2g9Rb1zw6KE5krdBjzihwCwjtLwYfbZdUY0Rg07u90jBTeDMzLqUtfvEZ3U6iYb6h3_Bynu4zVMv5UCgEF4X/s320/IMG_3572.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No caption, I just love this photo!</td></tr>
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Mission accomplished, we bundled back into the car to return to Maggie, who danced an encore for us as we came in the door.<br />
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Lisa had chilled a bottle of champagne, which we enjoyed with grilled cheese sandwiches -- and ketchup, because she doesn't want me to neglect my vegetables! :)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Celebratory champagne and grilled cheese!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day when your hubby is on the other side of the country -- good friends, stepping (dancing) outside the box, daring, dog, comfort food, bubbly. Awesome!<br />
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<i>Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise</i><br />
<i>Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>This is my body, my body's holy</i><br />
<i>No more excuses, no more abuses</i><br />
<i>We are mothers, we are teachers</i><br />
<i>We are beautiful, beautiful creatures</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
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Have an awesome week, everyone!<br />
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Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-29736516178231912562013-02-18T15:58:00.000-05:002013-02-18T15:58:05.399-05:00Awesomeness PostponedI had REALLY been hoping to give a Re-Cap of my One Billion Rising experience, but... the battery charger for the video camera that captured it all has gone missing and, of course, the battery has died. So... will try REALLY REALLY HARD to get that all figured out asap so you can see me in all my dancing glory (?!?) -- OK, my dancing was not awesome, but the event was. And the fact that I didn't chicken out is also awesome. Yes that is me, patting myself on the back in a round-about manner.<br />
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So there is LOTS OF AWESOME to come... soon... any minute now.<br />
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In the meantime, I don't want you to feel cheated, though. So here's an awesome photo courtesy of War Resisters International -- from Mozambique, an AK-47 turned into a saxophone! (Sent via friend B, regular source of awesomeness.)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcxk7I0tTX6egalqYXfYTQKerVtddTxMuHF_FpYHT3YgbVbi4dvD5fLMEbIDuBypx-x0MBjNBPAsjuZpSS-l4LKjeFJMiWKJke2YZapbtegEpAaEMRry65eNUCv0P2aQD3SIX6Q4Co6x-_/s1600/AK47-saxophone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcxk7I0tTX6egalqYXfYTQKerVtddTxMuHF_FpYHT3YgbVbi4dvD5fLMEbIDuBypx-x0MBjNBPAsjuZpSS-l4LKjeFJMiWKJke2YZapbtegEpAaEMRry65eNUCv0P2aQD3SIX6Q4Co6x-_/s320/AK47-saxophone.jpg" width="198" /></a></div>
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And, as if Matt Damon wasn't awesome enough just as an actor, producer, director, etc., he's inviting us all to "Strike With Me" to celebrate International Water Day, taking a stand on the water crisis. The video of his "press release" is just hilarious. Intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes, just sayin'...<br />
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<a href="http://strikewithme.org/">Strike With Me</a></div>
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OK, that's it until I can get my own intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes V-Day report put together.</div>
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Happy Monday - have an awesome week!</div>
Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-87475300717442153622013-02-14T01:59:00.003-05:002013-02-14T01:59:52.629-05:00Dance like nobody is watchingWell, I'm pretty sure nobody's watching, or the neighbours might have called the paramedics by now...<br />
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I have spent the day rehearsing the dance steps for Thursday's "One Billion Rising" flashmob at Barrie's Five Points (between 5:00 & 5:30 -- please join us if you can!). This is what the dance is <i>supposed</i> to look like:<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/fL5N8rSy4CU">Break the Chain</a></div>
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I'm afraid that when my husband caught me rehearsing last week, he thought I was having a seizure or something, and ran up the stairs to rescue me. I am hoping someone warns the paramedics that I'm not dying, just dancing -- and sends them to help those people dying of laughter.<br />
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What I lack in talent, I shall make up for in enthusiasm!<br />
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At girls' night on Saturday, I recruited my friend Lisa to join me in dancing -- fortunately, she was already quite drunk by that point in the evening! ;-) Our friend Betty, who actually DOES know how to dance, tried to give us a lesson, and was very helpful, though you probably won't be able to tell (trust me, you should have seen the "before" pictures!).<br />
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I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...<br />
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Participants were invited to share a video of "Why I'm Rising". I took a big breath and contributed the following:<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/1xIckl8yjq8">Why Alyssa Wright is Rising</a></div>
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My "moves" have improved, slightly, from that brief demonstration. Hopefully I'll be able to get some photos and/or videos at the event that make it look like I've actually spent the day practising.<br />
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Because I don't dance. Let alone in public. I believe the last time I did so was as a nine-year-old, playing a Russian Rose in a ballet recital. My one and only ballet recital. There's a reason for that.<br />
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But a funny thing started to happen today, as I spent the day practising my "step right, and party, step left, and party, now pivot, pivot, and party, party" and "step-ball-change, step-ball-change, swag, swag" (for the record, it took me until about 8pm to realize it wasn't break-ball-change, break-ball-change, which would have fit the step, honestly... at least the way I was doing it!). No, I'm not just talking about how my 40-something knees started to give up with all the jumping around (although that happened too!). I actually started to... you know... move my body with the music. You might almost call it... er... dancing?<br />
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And I realized... not only do I not dance, I don't really walk. At least, not in a fluid, happy-with-my-body kind of way. I tend to walk so nobody will notice me. I tend to walk as if my entire lower body was involved in a Kegel hold. You know, if those muscles stretched all the way through my gluteus maximus and into my lower back.<br />
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Swaying hips? Nope, not me. Ass is firmly clenched, so as to eliminate any chance of a sway as my legs do the least they have to do to get me from here to there. Dancing, should it happen, is in tiny little arm movements (as witnessed above), feet barely leaving the floor, knees maybe bending a tiny bit... maybe.<br />
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But as I got more comfortable with remembering the steps (other than the bridge, which I totally fail at every time!), and watched the dance students in the instructional video, and absorb the rhythms... my hips... started... SWAYING! They swayed to the left, they swayed to the right, they did some weird gyrating thing I didn't think they were capable of... My hips were dancing! Not only that, but my feet left the floor. My arms wound around, my spine undulated... MY WHOLE BODY WAS DANCING!!!<br />
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For the first time in my 40-something years, I was actually comfortable in my body. Comfortable letting it do its thing without worrying about whether someone would think I was an idiot or, more scarily for me, that I was trying to show off or be seductive or something (why I ever thought MY dancing might be seen as seductive, I'll never know... I may be dancing now, but let's be realistic!).<br />
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Letting my body express the music instead of hiding behind my cello. Which, let's face it, covers a substantial part of my torso, hiding any swaying potential.<br />
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But today, I am dancing like nobody is watching.<br />
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I have no idea if I'll be able to recreate this phenomenon when someone actually IS watching, but... I'll give it my best shot. Because:<br />
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<i>This is my body, my body's holy</i><br />
<i>No more excuses, no more abuses</i><br />
<i>We are mothers, we are teachers</i><br />
<i>We are beautiful, beautiful creatures</i><br />
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I have no idea if I'll be able to get through the dance without laughing, and I KNOW I won't be able to hear that last line without bawling -- it has happened EVERY TIME today, and the song has been on CONSTANT rotation since 9am (you'd think I'd be used to it by now?!?).<br />
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My word for the year was "Daring". I think I should get bonus points for February. :)<br />
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Even without the points, though, I know I'm helping. Not through my fabulous dance moves (!), but through standing in solidarity and protest. And in the hope and faith that we can change the world -- one tiny heart (or vagina) at a time.<br />
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Until tomorrow, my friends -- Dance, Rise.<br />
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Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-66045472180156812262013-02-12T21:08:00.002-05:002013-02-12T21:08:50.394-05:00Breaking the record for late AwesomenessAh well, c'est la vie! Yet again, a brilliant excuse -- Saturday night was girls' night, followed by Sunday morning's inaugural Founding Board meeting of the <a href="http://katiefoundation.com/">Katie Foundation</a> (I could just wrap up the Week in Awesome on that alone...), followed by a quick nap, followed by some top-secret creative activities which shall be revealed some time next month, followed by... Monday.<br />
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But here I am, basking in the glow of the Awesome first meeting, realizing that the world needs a bit of awesome.<br />
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Most of the awesome comes, once again, from friend B -- an endless supply of this stuff! :) The original link she'd sent expired, but I searched it out and found another version on YouTube. The creativity of the Pilobolus dance troupe is just brilliant and... yes, Awesome:<br />
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And this beautiful documentary film, "Scared is Scared", in which filmmaker Bianca Giaever re-creates the story by six-year-old Asa Baker-Rouse, all about being scared and how to overcome it. May we all have such wisdom:<br />
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<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/strombo/story-videos/anytime-you-feel-scared-just-think-about-what-this-little-boy-has-to-say-youll-feel-better.html#.URrw5GyNsY8.blogger">Strombo | Anytime You Feel Scared, Just Think About What This Little Boy Has To Say & You'll Feel Better</a></div>
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And, the last B contribution of the week, <a href="http://soulpancake.com/">SoulPancake's</a> lovely experiment of putting a ball pit in a public space, and encouraging strangers to sit in it and talk about life's big questions.<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHV4-N2LxQ">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHV4-N2LxQ</a></div>
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And finally, I forgot to put this lovely graphic in last week -- not sure of the original creator, but it was posted on my FB wall via <a href="http://www.facebook.com/recipesforgals/">http://www.facebook.com/recipesforgals/</a>:<br />
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A good reminder, n'est-ce pas?<br />
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Have a truly awesome week, everyone -- and happy day of love, or day of binge-eating, whichever side you're on. ;)Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-5806455849302042382013-02-03T22:11:00.003-05:002013-02-03T22:12:41.327-05:00On-time Awesomeness!There we go, after vowing to allow myself to be late, I'm doing this on time. How awesome is that? ;)<br />
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The week has been busy, leading up to my hubby <a href="http://donbray.ca/">Don Bray</a>'s concert last night at the Double Door -- which was tons of fun.<br />
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So... most of the awesomeness comes from others this week!<br />
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First off, my friend Ali's CompassionFile -- I've already shared it with many, because it deals with that nasty little topic of: Boundaries. Boundaries are awesome. If you have them. Baby steps... Her post includes a great exercise for working through yours -- an exercise which I promise to get to soon. :) <a href="http://compassionfile.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/where-is-my-bottom-line/">Where Is My Bottom Line?</a><br />
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Next, a somewhat disturbing but powerful video sent to me by friend B, who has become a great source of all things awesome. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/IvRGhuL7JAg">Residential Redemption</a>:</div>
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Next up, also from friend B, some words of wisdom from a young boy about learning to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eaIvk1cSyG8">ride a bike</a> -- and pretty much everything else in life, I think. It'll make you feel happy of yourself, I guarantee!<br />
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And finally, a beautiful story from the <a href="http://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2013/02/01/toronto_caped_crusaders_go_viral_but_father_and_son_keep_identities_secret.html">Toronto Star</a>, in reference to this truly awesome <a href="http://i.imgur.com/4id5IrE.jpg">photo</a>:<br />
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That's all folks -- have an awesome first week of February!</div>
Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-24243861818229005582013-01-28T18:27:00.001-05:002013-01-28T18:27:39.238-05:00Last Week in AwesomeOK, I'm not even going to bother with an excuse. Perhaps Monday should be the OFFICIAL "Week in Awesome" publishing day, because life seems to just make it happen on a Monday, anyhow.<br />
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If I *were* to make an excuse, mind you, it would be that I had an awesome girls' night with my friend Ali -- while escaping Don's boys' night at our house. This particular episode of boys' night included ouzo, so it is doubly awesome that I got to escape -- if it had been single malt, I might have stuck around.<br />
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Ali is also one of the "Inaugural" Board Members of the new foundation, so we were able to get lots of work done, too. Yessireee, lots of awesome work. Pages and pages of work. OK... maybe not pages and pages, but some really good discussions, tucked in amongst the snacks, martinis, way-too-much-dinner, wine, midnight snacks, more wine, way-too-much-brunch-the-next-day. And her dad (at brunch, NOT at girls' night!) helped give an idea of some of the required legal stuff (and cost estimates), too. And he's got some refurbished minute books he can donate to the cause!<br />
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When I got home, there was a message that my lovely niece had called and wanted me to call back. She'd gone to her VERY FIRST symphony concert (at 7 years old) and declared it to be: yes, AWESOME!!! Can you tell she's my niece? She'd even managed to stay awake for the second set. She also announced that she'd been allowed to stay up until 10:30 for a party on Saturday, and was very proud of herself -- I sense musicians' hours in the making here. ;) When I asked her if she'd been cranky over the weekend, she said yes, but only a little bit -- self-awareness in a 7-year-old? Awesome. :) (Mind you, I didn't double-check with her mother what "only a little bit" meant in the adult world, so I may have just been snowed by a 7-year old...)<br />
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I got my car back from the body shop on Friday. It turns out, while they were replacing the panel that dimtwit backed in to (in to which the dimtwit backed), they discovered she'd actually hit the car with enough force to also crack the bottom left corner of the windshield! So... new windshield for me. But the body shop and the insurance company both agreed that this was 100% the fault of said dimtwit, so I didn't have to pay the deductible or anything. Just drive my newly-shiny car home. The newly-shiny car with seat warmers. Oh, in a week of minus-27, how I missed thee, oh seat warmers! (Seat warmers are... oh, you know...)<br />
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The Big Awesome of the week, however, is <a href="http://onebillionrising.org/">One Billion Rising</a> -- an international movement created by Eve Ensler (writer of The Vagina Monologues), inviting women to Strike, Dance and Rise on V-Day, February 14.<br />
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<img src="webkit-fake-url://5DA3AB5E-C347-4514-A0ED-3D06DF02F21A/image.tiff" /><br />
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As the website says:<br />
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<b>One in Three Women on the Planet will be Raped or Beaten in her Lifetime.</b></div>
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<b>One Billion Women Violated is an Atrocity.</b></div>
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<b>One Billion Women Dancing is a Revolution.</b></div>
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<b>Join V-Day on February 14, 2013</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Strike, Dance, Rise</b></div>
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<b>in your community and</b></div>
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<b>Demand an END to Violence</b></div>
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One of my friends from last year's Vagina Monologues, Shannon Murree, has created a Barrie and Simcoe Region dance flashmob event -- location still to be decided. If you'd like to take part, please visit the FaceBook group: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/one.billion.barrie/">https://www.facebook.com/groups/one.billion.barrie/</a><br />
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Yes, I will be dancing. Pick yourselves up off the floor. As nobody has ever seen me dance (unless you knew me in grade 7 and were one of the lucky few to survive it without dying laughing), just witnessing such a monumental event should be enough to make you want to take part!<br />
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Just so you have an idea of what it's SUPPOSED to look like here's the official video, with anthem by Tena Clark and choreography by the magnificently awesome Debbie Allen:<br />
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<a href="http://dl.dropbox.com/u/22399474/Break%20The%20Chain.mp3">Download the song!</a></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fL5N8rSy4CU" width="560"></iframe>
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If I can dance, you can dance. :)<br />
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If you're in the Simcoe region, please join us! If you're anywhere else and want to get involved, there's a list of planned events -- growing every day -- at the One Billion Rising website (<a href="http://onebillionrising.org/">http://onebillionrising.org</a>), as well as a toolkit to help get an event started in your own area.<br />
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Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go practise my moves.<br />
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Have an awesome week, everyone!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-86789873746886239712013-01-21T21:07:00.002-05:002013-01-21T21:07:20.294-05:00The awesomely late Week in AwesomeBut the reason why this post is so awesomely late is actually... you guessed it, quite awesome! Not only did we get to spend the weekend with some lovely (new to me) relatives, we also got started on making the Katie Foundation a real entity. And brainstorming and fantasizing and... making me realize that I might really and truly be able to pull this off. No longer a fantasy, but a reality. As in real life. You know... like... um... REAL.<br />
<br />
Not only that, but along with the three wonderful humans, I got to spend the weekend with a Black Lab named Raven -- and you guys know I'm a total sucker for Black Labs. Raven almost made me forget Sunday's hangover, because... yes, we did consume an awesome amount of wine on Saturday night, which made for a not-so-awesome feeling the next day. Point taken.<br />
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But my sorta-not-quite-a-brother-in-law-but-he-can-be-my-brother-any-day Todd has sent me home with a USB stick of templates and forms and examples and questions to ponder and all the sorts of things that had my head reeling and wondering where on earth I would ever start. Todd knows where to start. Because Todd is... say it with me now, people -- AWESOME!!!<br />
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And speaking of awesome men, take a look at this photo:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibz-u_aZpupLc-ccI9tvCk3avy8zPByLn5OVCg0UGrTuUMdsdhQuK1-eMAocj9SEkKHIp19AAwWUpl2GzkJzFUFpsR78LpTjQpsgctwTCUItpLLiyq5wX039yQvfrYvjLwB9VyjmBHKai1/s1600/DontSkirtTheIssue.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibz-u_aZpupLc-ccI9tvCk3avy8zPByLn5OVCg0UGrTuUMdsdhQuK1-eMAocj9SEkKHIp19AAwWUpl2GzkJzFUFpsR78LpTjQpsgctwTCUItpLLiyq5wX039yQvfrYvjLwB9VyjmBHKai1/s320/DontSkirtTheIssue.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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These are protesters in India, reacting to comments that wearing skirts is the cause of rape. They're standing in solidarity with their mothers, sisters and daughters, and I absolutely love them.</div>
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And, in case Raven wasn't animal enough for you, here is an awesomely adorable video with two of my other favourite animals. You might notice that the title is "Awesome communication!" -- it was simply meant to be.</div>
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Happy Monday, folks -- have a great week!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-42962719876966633662013-01-14T15:57:00.001-05:002013-01-14T15:57:38.297-05:00The week(end) in AwesomeYes, here I am again, with another (good) excuse of why I'm a day late with the Awesome report!<br />
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You see, this weekend was our annual DIY Music Retreat -- a weekend of musical mayhem for about 35 folks. This was the 7th year, and often it's the only time in the year when some of us manage to see each other, although there were some newcomers this year as well. Something to look forward to in the darker days of winter, a recharging of batteries. Lots of jamming, a bit of learning, great food and probably a wee bit too much alcohol. ;-)<br />
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I wasn't sure how I'd fare, given my last two months of hermitage, but -- save for one bizarre triggering -- I'm happy to report I did quite well! (I was, somehow, triggered by the shape of one person's nose. Still trying to figure WTF that was about, and hoping he didn't notice my reaction and think it had anything to do with him... So... if you're reading this and noticed my little panic attack when I looked at your face, please don't take it personally, I'm just a little wacked-out right now!)<br />
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As I believe I wrote last year, the "young'uns" had again improved in leaps and bounds, which was such a joy to see (and hear!). And I got my annual dose of love from Mary H., who seems to always know exactly what to say to make me feel so special I could cry.<br />
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But the BEST news from the weekend was that at the concert Saturday night (everyone performs one song, often with others joining in), Mary headed on stage making excuses why she might not do a good job -- the most important one being THE NEW RING ON HER FINGER! Apparently, boyfriend Marcus had proposed earlier in the day, while they were out for a walk. And, let me tell you, if there's anyone deserving of love in this world, it's Mary -- she gives out so much love and joy to everyone around her, I'm absolutely thrilled she's getting some back (by someone that everyone who met him this weekend has declared to be Mary-worthy).<br />
<br />
Because love is Awesome and Mary is Awesome and sometimes Karma can be really and truly Awesome!!! (And Marcus has definitely earned a spot in the Awesome category as well.)<br />
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Returning home last night, and checking my mail and FaceBook and stuff, I learned that Mary isn't the only one who makes me feel so special I could cry. Angie has posted the following:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">So, as I reminisce the weekend at DIY, I am sitting at my dining room table listening to Dark Waters by</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=529471144&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/cellolyss?group_id=0" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">Alyssa Wright</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">. My 8 year old very perceptive, musically gifted young daughter, Aja, says to me, "Mom, does Alyssa KNOW that she's CRAZY TALENTED?" How's that for confirmation, Lyss?</span></blockquote>
Bring on the waterworks... People saying nice things about me out of the blue is... oh... can I say it?... (gulp) Awesome.<br />
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On the Katie Foundation front, I'm meeting with my sorta-but-not-exactly-a-brother-in-law-in-law this coming weekend to figure out how to get this puppy registered and given charitable status. There's a full board now in place (although additions are welcome, don't want to burn anyone out!), and we're all Really. Freaking. Excited!!! Making your dreams come true is: AWESOME!!!<br />
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But it's not all about me! (Well, it's my blog, so it kind of is, but...)<br />
<br />
Friend B. sent me this link earlier in the week: <a href="http://imaginepeace.com/archives/19222">http://imaginepeace.com/archives/19222</a>. Six hundred guitarists gathered in Darjeeling to play John Lennon's <i>"Imagine"</i> to pay tribute to the Delhi rape victim, and spread "hope, peace and promise" in a country still coming to terms with the violence.<br />
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Alrighty, it's now Monday afternoon and I have to actually get some work done in between students (when did my Mondays become such crazy days?), so that's all the awesome you get in this round.<br />
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Have a great week, everyone!<br />
AlyssaAlyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-83174874349284358082013-01-07T21:12:00.000-05:002013-01-07T21:12:05.748-05:00Last Week in AwesomeAiyaiyai -- late again, sorry! But I have a good excuse. :)<br />
<br />
With a weekend off, we'd headed SW to a housewarming party held by a couple of friends of ours (Suzie and James), who recently purchased an old church just down the road from another friend (Joe). Now, you all know how much of a hermit I've been the last couple of months, and I've been avoiding parties like the plague. Neither Don nor I are particularly good with parties where we don't know a lot of people. So... when we heard that Joe was sick as a dog (leaving the party hosts as the only two people we'd know there), Lyssy might have had a wee bit of a panic attack... But, we'd said we'd go, we wanted to support our friends, and we wanted to see this beautiful space they'd been lusting after for over a year -- so, I pulled myself together, and we headed down the highway with our jammies and pillows in tow.<br />
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And we're so glad we did! Oh sure, we didn't know anyone when we arrived, but Suzie's and James's friends are all so wonderful (to be expected, as they're wonderful people themselves), we felt right at home. And we'd made a lot of new friends by the time we'd left -- including one beautiful canine friend who fell totally in love with Don (can't blame her, really!), and visited our bed several times overnight to give him kisses (when she wasn't trying to crawl into bed with James).<br />
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So... I shall pat myself on the back and say that a major introvert taking herself to a party where she knows no-one is pretty darned awesome, especially following two months where going to the grocery store caused panic attacks. Yay me!<br />
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But on a more general level, pushing yourself outside your comfort level is awesome. I do know this, I have lived it many times, but... guess the universe decided I really needed a reminder to take some chances and leave my home base more often. Fling myself on the mercy of happenstance. Be rewarded for my bravery. Yes, I know people have been telling me how brave I am for years, but I tend to keep being brave in the same areas -- this was a whole different type of brave, and the fabulous weekend and new friends it brought me were... say it with me now: Awesome.<br />
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And it's a new year! Don and I both did a 2012 wrap-up, and planned ahead for 2013, including picking each of our "official" words for the year. Colour me crazy, but I chose the word: Daring.<br />
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Daring. Guess I started the year right, then, daring to go to that party.<br />
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But it's not just about going to parties. It's daring to stick my neck out, to speak up, to take initiative, to boldly go where no Lyssy has gone before. Daring to get the Katie Foundation established -- and daring to ask for help (oy, asking for help!) in getting it started. Yes, daring to ask for what I want and need -- who'd-a-thunk? Daring to get this book written, and then daring to show it to people. Daring to move to a new home that will better sustain our music careers -- daring to no longer have the excuse of location to fall back on. Daring to say no (watch out world, I could get used to this!). Daring to see what I want and just go for it.<br />
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Daring is Awesome. Try it, you'll like it!<br />
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Our dryer and gas valve have both been fixed, for not too much money, which means we should no longer be going downstairs and discovering our appliances on fire. Which may seem like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for something good to say about this week, but it truly is awesome to have one less worry on my mind as I attempt to go to sleep at night. So lack of spontaneous combustion in our basement counts as Awesome. Yessirreee.<br />
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But the best has been saved for last. Because earlier last week, we received a "thank you" card from our (awesome) friends Debbie & Mitchell for the gifts we'd brought for their baby shower last month. Inside this card was this incredible picture of their daughter, at six weeks.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO-s8aHYt6XH5Lv0LUlMube7znsVxVxDkihGcZA_flEMQMwbWn4wvbsBf8kwfMQ5N3r-vMq0Tcmf4XOqN5N0-nLyO5Q3EZKt8BL8_M9LTIRGgR_SC3Zi3CandbmoTwfPWRmSeDyESCUYJD/s1600/Olivia.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhO-s8aHYt6XH5Lv0LUlMube7znsVxVxDkihGcZA_flEMQMwbWn4wvbsBf8kwfMQ5N3r-vMq0Tcmf4XOqN5N0-nLyO5Q3EZKt8BL8_M9LTIRGgR_SC3Zi3CandbmoTwfPWRmSeDyESCUYJD/s320/Olivia.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Now, Debbie's not a professional photographer, and she just took this adorable pic on her cell phone -- which kind of makes you think she should go into baby photography, no?<br />
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The surprise and love and sheer joy on this little girl's face just makes me want to giggle and play with her all day. The photo is on our kitchen bulletin board, so I can't walk through the room without taking a peek and getting a big smile on my face.<br />
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Happy little babies -- and the parents who adore them -- are Truly Awesome!!!<br />
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Happy 2013, everyone -- may it be a truly wonderful year for each of you!</div>
Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-65042589143043495522013-01-04T17:41:00.000-05:002013-01-04T19:04:07.909-05:00Book Report: The Ultimate BetrayalActually, the full title is "<b><i>The Ultimate Betrayal: The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse</i></b>" by Audrey Ricker, PhD.<br />
<br />
And that sub-title is my biggest "beef" with the book -- that the subtitle might alienate people from reading a book they could probably get a LOT of help from. Because, as the author explains <i>inside</i> the book, it's not necessarily about the possessor of the double-x-chromosome, or even necessarily a parent she is talking about in this book, it's the abuser's enabler. Because of the nature of Dr. Ricker's practice, she usually does see female survivors of paternal sexual abuse, but she has also seen other survivors, and these patterns have proven true of ALL enablers, not just mothers in father-daughter incest. These same patterns have proven true when the father is the abuser of a son, when the mother is the abuser of a son or daughter, if the abuser is a sibling or a distant relative or a family friend.<br />
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The subtitle also seems to ignore the non-enabling mothers -- the ones who figured out what was going on, and got their kids the hell out of the abusive system, charged the perpetrator, and got their kids the help they needed to recover. They are out there, I've witnessed some in action (and wished they'd been around when I was a kid). These kids who were believed and supported, of course, are not the ones who end up in years or decades of therapy -- so while it's understandable that Dr. Ricker can only base her studies on the cases she's seen, the subtitle does play a bit into the old "blame the mother" attitude that would probably prevent people from reading the book as well.<br />
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With those two gripes in mind, I'm going to switch terminology from Dr. Ricker's choice into my own: "The Enabler". Because, as she does explain early on in the book, these patterns are true of sexual abuse enablers across the board, regardless of their chromosomal make-up.<br />
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With that out of the way, may I once again exclaim: Oh, Thank You, Good-Timing-With-The-Book-Buying-Fairy!!!<br />
<br />
Because this book helped me SO very much in the latest Gate-Keeper incident -- seeing the patterns for what they were, pretty much predicting events before they happened, allowing me to prepare for them, but also allowing me to centre myself, not take it on, not try to twist my brain around something that never would make sense, not try to do something to "deserve" better treatment, because the Gate-Keeper was (and is) incapable of treating me any better. Which is, honestly, a pretty sad place to be, but also quite a relief to finally be able to stop tap-dancing and realize it was never, ever about me.<br />
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I would advise that, if you're going to read this book, make sure you've got some sort of support network, because there is going to be a lot of anger, a lot of grief, and a lot of mourning, and you're going to need to talk through a lot of stuff with someone else. If you don't have a therapist or organized support group, you should probably consider visiting an online support group -- such as <a href="http://www.pandys.org/">Pandora's Aquarium</a>, which I found recently and has been a great place to talk with people who "get it". Yes, family (OUTSIDE family, don't even THINK of talking with members of the incestuous family about this, because as well-intentioned as they might be, they've been roped into the same damned patterns and may not be able to see things as clearly as an outsider) and friends can be a good support, but you need a professional specifically trained in childhood sexual abuse, and/or a support group of people who have been through the same things you have and understand what you're going through. I can't stress this enough. Take good care of yourself, this is going to be one hell of a ride!<br />
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The book is a combination of assessment checklists, illustrative case studies, and exercises for self-healing. The pangs of familiarity I felt with every single case study were truly heartbreaking, the assessment checklists eye-opening, and the self-care exercises... difficult, but helpful. I think I'll need to keep going back to them a few more times. Because it seems I am, once again, a ridiculous over-achiever when it comes to having symptoms of incest and CSA. There's a lot more work to do...<br />
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In the introduction, Katherine Trimm states what should be obvious but is often ignored: there is no correlation between socio-economic status or race for CSA -- it is <u>Family Dysfunction</u> that puts children at risk. Dysfunctional parenting enables the abuse perpetrator. A quote, if I may, because the intro sums it all up so perfectly, I don't wish to paraphrase:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>It is usually less traumatic for a child to be victimized by a stranger than by a family member. Not only does the dysfunctional family increase the risk to the child, and increase the psychological damage, but <u>the dysfunctional family also fails to provide the supportive parental relationship that helps the child to recover</u>.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Thus, we have the triple whammy of the dysfunctional family. First, <u>the dysfunctional family puts the child at risk</u>. Second, <u>parental involvement in the abuse aggravates the injury to the child</u>. Third, <u>the lack of functional parenting impedes recovery</u>. This is why understanding the family dynamic in child sexual abuse is so key to protecting the child. And, when we fail to protect the child, understanding the dysfunctional family dynamic is necessary to understanding how to help the child heal.</i></blockquote>
(underlines are mine)<br />
<br />
She goes on to refer to the <i>Encyclopedia of Crime and Punishment</i>, and a number of rather frightening statistics, and then another quick quote that has been underlined and asterix-ed and given several explanation points in my copy:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>The family should be the first line of defense for the child. ...To stop the violence, "parents should educate their children about appropriate sexual behavior and how to feel comfortable saying no." </i>["Child Abuse." AHA Fact Sheet #4. Englewood, CO: American Humane Association, 1993.]</blockquote>
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<i>But this kind of responsible parenting is not likely to occur in a dysfunctional family. Further, as this book makes clear, in the enabling family, <u>not only is the child </u></i><u>not</u><i><u> given protective messages.</u> Instead, <u><b>the child gets the message that he or she </b></u></i><u><b>cannot</b></u><i><u><b> say no, or even has the right to say no</b></u>. It is obvious how this facilitates the perpetrator. </i></blockquote>
Later, in her own preface, Dr. Ricker outlines, quite clearly and simply, the Enabler's role in "the drama of abuse". The Enabler's role consists of four basic tasks:<br />
<ol>
<li>Refusing to interfere with the incest</li>
<li>Discouraging the victim from hating the perpetrator by pretending that the family is perfect</li>
<li>Giving the victim the unspoken but clear message that (s)he is a temptress/temptor who is inherently bad</li>
<li>Making the victim need attention from the abuse by denying him or her the love, validation and soothing every child needs.</li>
</ol>
Did I mention the word "over-achiever" yet? ;-)<br />
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The book begins with a series of five daily "therapy sessions", for which she suggests you allot an hour each day -- honestly, I'd allot more, just so you have time to deal with the fallout. You might also want to do them in a room without sharp objects, and with the comfort food of your choice, and a blanket or teddy bear or whatever symbol gives you comfort. This will not be fun. BRING KLEENEX.<br />
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The first session seems benign enough -- a series of 26 questions regarding your Enabler, and how (s)he acted towards you as a child, to each of which you are supposed to write down Yes, Sort Of, Sometimes or No. (For those checking up on my overachiever status, I answered No to 4, Sometimes to 2, Sort Of to 2, and Yes to 18, unless you count the number of "Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes"-s I wrote down, in which case, my Yes count is 25.)<br />
<br />
In the second session, she tells you what the answers to the previous day's questions mean. I won't spoil it for you, because if you're going to do this yourself, you need to answer honestly. But, without giving you the punchline, I can say that a total of 10 Yes, Sometimes and/or Sort Of answers means HOLY CRAP! (For those of you counting, even without my double, triple and quadruple Yes answers, I still totalled 24 -- over-freaking-achiever.) The rest of the session is dedicated to feeling all your feelings about those answers, and what they mean. Schedule this one for a day in which you don't need to face the public!<br />
<br />
The following three sessions are used to process, grieve, sort through, and see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding these answers. <b>Let me stress: Schedule these five sessions for a week in which you have no outside commitments. Make sure you have a support system in place!!!</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
*******************************</div>
<br />
The book then moves into the most common / ever-present characteristics of the Enabler, with a chapter dedicated to each, including assessment checklists and case studies:<br />
<br />
<u>1. The Enabler's Matriarchal / Patriarchal Status</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>acting as a central figure around whom all family member's lives revolve (e.g., consulted on all decisions, often provides indispensable services such as babysitting or making loans or taking on trips)</li>
<li>main capital is approval</li>
<li>often a "spouse-worshipper", putting Perpetrator above children in attention and/or affection</li>
<li>no-one is ever willing to (openly) defy him or her</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>2. The Enabler's Control of the Survivor's Feelings</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>need to control others' feelings</li>
<li>not allowing the victim's own feelings about the abuse to count</li>
<li>deciding what the victim will feel -- especially about him or her, the Enabler</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>3. The Survivor's Loyalty to the Enabler</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>loyalty at any price -- loyalty to the Enabler more important than loyalty to self or reality</li>
<li>all children remain loyal -- even Victims/Survivors remain loyal until therapy makes it impossible</li>
<li>demands the Victim/Survivor continue to keep family secrets quiet (!), thereby hobbling healing</li>
<li>often "inspires" loyalty among all siblings not by being strong, but by being weak -- power lies in the ability to inspire worry and protectiveness from the children (complete parenting reversal)</li>
<li>Enabler often believes himself or herself to be the most victimized family member of all</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>4. The Enabler's Destruction of the Survivor's Self-Esteem</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Victims/Survivors learn that their only worth to others is sexual -- makes them more vulnerable to the Enabler's attacks on their self-esteem</li>
<li>for the Victim/Survivor to believe that the Enabler is wrong about anything is to risk making the Enabler furious enough to destroy him or her (Gate-Keeper incident, anyone?)</li>
<li>Victim/Survivor becomes the bad one for saying bad things about the family</li>
<li>Victim/Survivor accused of being too needy (for expecting basic compassion, etc.)</li>
<li>Enabler's feelings and well-being is more important than the Victim's/Survivor's -- anything else is met with declarations of selfishness and guilt</li>
<li>Enabler's blame-the-victim mentality is internalized in the Victim/Survivor</li>
<li>Victim/Survivor becomes addicted to the parent(s) -- can't give up hope that the Perpetrator and Enabler will one day tell her (s)he's fine and will give him or her the approval (s)he has craved since childhood</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>5. The Enabler's Emotional Alienation of the Survivor</u><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>engineer the situations and family dynamics by which the Victims are excluded</li>
<li>Victims/Survivors must behave in certain ways or they become emotional outcasts</li>
<li>insists the abuse never happened (!)</li>
<li>all but excommunicates the Victim/Survivor for speaking up, and lavishes gifts and attention on the other family members</li>
<li>the sacrificing of the Victim for the other children becomes a way of life for the whole family</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>6. The Enabler's Scapegoating of the Survivor</u><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>Victim/Survivor is blamed for the abuse</li>
<li>Victim/Survivor becomes the bad person for his/her accusations ruining the lives of the Perpetrator and/or Enabler</li>
<li>Victim/Survivor is held responsible for lack of protection, not Enabler or other (adult!) parental figures</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>7. The Resilience of the Enabler</u><br />
(this one I found really interesting, as I hadn't ever thought of this before...)<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>despite their child's sexual abuse at the hands of their partner, the Enablers are able to go on with their own lives, to pursue successful careers, and to have positive relationships with other children and new partners -- meanwhile, the Survivors find their lives at a standstill, emotionally devastated, in need of psychiatric medication, unable to develop or tolerate healthy relationships, or even in some extreme cases, to live independently</li>
<li>the abused child remains alive, still inside the Survivor's brain and body, able to watch the Survivor move on in life, while being unable to move along with him or her -- holding him or her back, or erupting as PTSD and/or DID when triggered</li>
<li>many of the Survivor's Enablers spend energy and time on their own success, while ignoring the needs of their Survivor children</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<u>8. The Enabler's Self-Image as a Good Parent</u></div>
<br />
<ul>
<li>these Enablers believe themselves to be excellent parents, and have convinced others they are exemplary as well</li>
<li>Enabler is so dissociated from reality that (s)he cannot and DOES NOT see what is going on, often literally in front of their eyes -- a part of the Enabler's brain is just not going to compute anything that detracts from the official story</li>
<li>in order to keep the "Good Parent" myth and appearances going, the Enabler was willing to sacrifice one child</li>
<li>while most Enablers could be said to be good parents in some respects -- made sure the child's physical needs were met and the child survived to adulthood -- they failed to meet the most basic emotional needs of the child, and failed to protect the child from abuse, and <b>no good parent would sacrifice a child to ongoing sexual abuse</b> (one might say "no shit, Sherlock", but I've bolded this for my own sanity)</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u>9. The Survivor's Relationship to the Perpetrator's new Wives/Girlfriends</u><br />
(Not applicable to me, but may be helpful to others)<br />
<ul>
<li>the Perpetrator's new partners often know of the abuse, but fool themselves into thinking it's a clean slate now, and will not happen again</li>
<li>the new partner may not know, and the Survivor ends up becoming blamed for wrecking another marriage</li>
<li>the Survivor may hope the new partner will become the parent his or her birth-parent never was</li>
<li>there may be jealousy (in either direction) between the Survivor and new partner</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
After this run-down of the common patterns, there is a middle section that suggests these patterns can also occur in the parents of sexual assault victims, and greatly affect the Survivor's healing. I'm not entirely comfortable with this section, but I can see that rapists choose their victims based on subtle cues, and that many people have these characteristics trained into them ahead of time, as well as their self-preservation"radar" trained out of them. I'm just not positive that rapists are always so calculating, or that having perfect parents would necessarily ward off rapists. She doesn't put it that simply, of course, and it's definitely worth a read -- I'm just saying "I don't know, I'm not 100% convinced". I can certainly see how it would apply to acquaintance rape, not so sure about the scary-person-on-the-street type.<br />
<br />
The second section gives a low-down on the various after-effects of sexual assault. After a lifetime of "normalcy", PTSD symptoms can sneak up on you decades later. Some of the most common symptoms are:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Panic attacks</li>
<li>Terror of being attacked again</li>
<li>Recurring nightmares</li>
<li>Flashbacks</li>
<li>Irritability (piss off, I have an excuse! ;-) )</li>
<li>Insomnia</li>
</ul>
<br />
There are many more symptoms, but these are the most obvious and prevalent. These can often be triggered by a news story, meeting a person you hadn't seen since the time of the abuse / assault, or even a song coming on the radio.<br />
<br />
Dissociation and DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) are also common symptoms -- ranging from feeling "not quite there" or viewing life from the outside at times, to total black-outs of time, to actual fragments of personality or full-blown separate identities that emerge when needed (or when they're decidedly not wanted).<br />
<br />
Self-harm is a very common symptom -- this can be as simple as drinking too much, but burning and cutting are very prevalent, especially for incest survivors (an outward manifestation of inside pain, control of the injury).<br />
<br />
These symptoms and more are dealt with in this final section, along with some coping strategies for the more "minor" ones -- and the regular insistence to find professional therapy for the more destructive ones.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
*****************************************</div>
<br />
In case you haven't noticed yet: I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! And I can't believe I'd already had the foresight to buy it earlier in the fall, and had promised myself to start reading it just before my Gate-Keeper's most recent attacks began.<br />
<br />
This book helped ground me during a crisis. But more than that, it opened my eyes to the patterns that had insinuated themselves in my life, probably even before my birth.<br />
<br />
It showed me, plainly, that I never stood a chance. That no amount of tap-dancing or good behaviour or perfection was ever going to have protected me, that I never would have been able to "earn" protection from the people who were supposed to be my care-givers. That I did deserve better. That the fact that I didn't get any better was not because of me, but because nobody was there to give it to me.<br />
<br />
Which was a sad place to find myself, just before the holidays. At times a very angry place. A relieved place. Mourning the loss of the Family Myth. Mourning the loss of the parents and caregivers I wished I'd had, but never did. Mourning the loss of all those years when I'd been convinced I was the wrong-doer, and needed to make amends to my poor, suffering family. Mourning the loss of all those years when I thought I didn't deserve any better, and kept finding myself in relationship after relationship with the same god-damned patterns, neurotically hoping for a happier ending. Grieving all the damage caused to a little girl forced to grow up too soon. Grieving all the damage repeated over and over again to the adult trying to make sense of it all.<br />
<br />
It doesn't make sense. It was never designed to make sense.<br />
<br />
I felt like the sacrificial lamb because I WAS THE FRIGGING SACRIFICIAL LAMB. I felt like my thoughts and feelings and well-being didn't count, because making them count would have destroyed the whole system. Because, as far as the system was concerned, my thoughts and feelings and well-being DID NOT COUNT.<br />
<br />
But they do count now. I count now. I know I never will count to the Gate-Keepers, and I'm not going to try any more. There are SO MANY PEOPLE in the world for whom my thoughts and feelings and well-being DO count, and I don't have to tap-dance a single step in order to deserve their love and compassion and caring.<br />
<br />
Let the Gate-Keepers do what they will. I've got the secret key to their instruction manual now. And I've got the greatest antidote of all -- I know that my thoughts, feelings and well-being count. I trust my gut and my perceptions. On the days I don't, I can point to page 43 or 86 or 112 in the manual and say "oh yeah, that's you not me". I know they will never give me what I needed as a child. I will no longer expect them to see the error of their ways and give it to me now. I'll give it to myself, thank you very much. As will the people who actually DO love me, instead of just using that word to manipulate my consent.<br />
<br />
This book was not easy. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth. But there WAS a happy ending.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
****************************************</div>
<br />
I apologize for this "book report" taking so long -- I know I had promised it weeks and weeks ago. The day I finally felt ready was the day of the school shooting, which changed everything. It didn't feel right to write about the book until I was back in the right head-space. Happy to report I finally am. :-)<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I've finished reading another gem, which I shall try to report on next week!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-37803586412196735122012-12-30T19:35:00.002-05:002012-12-30T19:35:31.838-05:00This week in AwesomenessHi folks, and welcome to my now-weekly Awesomeness wrap-up.<br />
<br />
As many of you know, this week has been a difficult one for me, so I'm kind of forcing myself into this right now. Of course, I forced myself out of the house yesterday, and was promptly "rewarded" by having my (new) car rammed into by an idiot in the parking lot, so... BE GENTLE! Check your mirrors and look where you're going.<br />
<br />
Little Pollyanna me would like to mention it's awesome that said idiot only hit my car, and not a child (because if you can't see a big red station wagon with horn-a-honking, you probably need to get your eyes and ears and brain checked). So... car body destroyed instead of life taken = awesome.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, it gets better than simply not killing people... :-)<br />
<br />
A term I have heard for the first time this week, and have fallen in love with: Pocket Riders. Pocket Riders are truly awesome. No, this is not some cool new gizmo for geeks. This is a form of virtual support that I have discovered on <a href="http://www.pandys.org/" target="_blank">Pandora's Aquarium</a> (previously mentioned twice in awesomeness, so I am resisting the urge to include it again). If someone is about to face something they aren't sure they can handle -- such as a difficult therapy session, having to face their abuser, disclosing to someone, or just having to deal with a pain-in-the-ass mother-in-law, they will ask for Pocket Riders -- or others will spontaneously offer to jump in their pocket and travel with them. No, nobody is actually jumping in people's pockets -- that would make it hard to walk! But it's symbolic, that they're there with you, giving you invisible support, thinking of you as you go through whatever difficult thing you have to face, and waiting to hear how it went. I have no idea how the concept ever came about, but it's just such a sweet and supportive thing, it makes me very happy. Think pocket travelling might make it into a song someday... In the meantime, there are some very dear new friends currently inhabiting my pyjama pockets and helping me make it through the day -- and I am enjoying the scenery from the pockets of a few others (one of whom is on a coast down south, so I hope she buys me a drink with a pretty umbrella in it!) Yay to Pocket Riders!<br />
<br />
A friend of a friend posted this link on his FaceBook wall: <a href="http://www.rebellesociety.com/2012/11/08/morsels-for-a-wicked-sexy-life/" target="_blank">Ten Wicked Morsels for Living a Sexy Life</a>, which I really enjoyed. Bits of the writers favourite quotes compiled with her?/his? own life experience, each followed by a question to "give us cause to embark on grand and glorious adventures into the boundless realms." I'm feeling sexier already. :-)<br />
<br />
And yes, I know I make jokes about this song and beginner guitar students in every guitar store playing it gawd-awfully and making me want to stab my eyes out with tweezers. BUT... This is a kick-ass rendition of that song we all love to hate beginner-guitar-students-playing-ad-nauseam. It's from a Kennedy Center Honors ceremony earlier this month, in which Led Zeppelin was one of the honourees. Performed by Heart and a cast of dozens, it made Robert Plant cry, and in a Good Way. I have to say, when the choir gets going and Ann Wilson really starts to wail -- GOOSEBUMPS. Man, that gal has pipes!!!<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JK_DOJa99oo" width="560"></iframe><br />
<br />
Almost makes you want to forgive the endless hours of lousy players in guitar stores, doesn't it?<br />
<br />
And, finally, I gave a "P.S." mention to this last week, but I have to give mention to Chief Theresa Spence, the <a href="http://www.idlenomore.com/" target="_blank">Idle No More</a> movement, and the people AROUND THE WORLD who are supporting them. Idle No More calls on all people to join in a (peaceful) revolution which honours and fulfills Indigenous sovereignty which protects the land and water. It was initiated by four women: Nina Wilson, Sylvia McAdam, Jessica Gordon and Sheelah McLean in reaction to current and upcoming Canadian legislation that affects not just First Nations people, but the rest of Canada's citizens, lands and waters. In the last month, this grassroots movement has gathered so much momentum and so many supporters, it's just thrilling to watch! If I weren't in such a ridiculous hermit-mode right now, I'd have gone to one of their events, but have had to support them in the cyber-world instead. TwitterTwits, the hashtag is #idlenomore -- tweet away and support this incredible movement!<br />
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Happy New Year to one and all. 2012 has, indeed, been pretty awesome. A toast to the past and a look to the future. I'll see you in 2013.Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-82422814245024203282012-12-24T10:40:00.001-05:002012-12-24T10:40:55.793-05:00P.S. to Awesomeness Oh man, I *MUST* have been depressed yesterday. I forgot one of last week's most awesome things: Idle No More!!!<br />
<br />
This movement, started by three First Nations women, has blossomed into (peaceful) protests throughout the country, including flash mob round dances and drum circles in shopping malls and on government steps. It's quickly building momentum, and has even been getting international support from protesters as far away as the Ukraine!<br />
<br />
Hope met by passion and action. That's as awesome as it gets!Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-32358705297997905432012-12-23T20:55:00.001-05:002012-12-23T20:55:24.371-05:00The not-so-awesome week in AwesomeThis one is kind of like pulling teeth, as my depression has been dark and icky this week. But that seems like exactly the kind of week where I need to remember something awesome.<br />
<br />
So...<br />
<br />
Awesome discovery, introduced to me by friend B: <a href="http://pandys.org/" target="_blank">Pandora's Aquarium</a>. It's an online support group and resource site for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. I mentioned it last week, it's true, but I didn't actually join up until a few days ago. Within minutes of my membership approval, I was warmly greeted by members from all over the world. It's a fabulous community, with many sub-communities based on the type of abuse, what stage you're at in your healing, etc. I've been really enjoying the J.O.Y. (for older survivors) Group -- oy, get me my walking cane! -- and it's been really great to be able to talk with folks going through the same things, and being able to offer support for other folks.<br />
<br />
And, just when I was hitting the bottom of the barrel, depression-wise, feeling sorry for myself that I was (yet again) alienated from my family in the season that's supposed to be spent with family, I got this letter from my niece in Friday's mail (she'd even addressed the envelope all by herself!):<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJ31W_zOIgE8qqPdlpyAOalCvhsj-obdZU1uW3F3Et8sFPRQ1T0HWCc0_bo5pvvGpEmT_OZp9VYJAm7QWM4epJu-aiasWReDzsMTaTaFk-2buzYGVH4qUApqpwjlvQxjgOxWnCPu9W1nY/s1600/Lilly's+letter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPJ31W_zOIgE8qqPdlpyAOalCvhsj-obdZU1uW3F3Et8sFPRQ1T0HWCc0_bo5pvvGpEmT_OZp9VYJAm7QWM4epJu-aiasWReDzsMTaTaFk-2buzYGVH4qUApqpwjlvQxjgOxWnCPu9W1nY/s320/Lilly's+letter.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(I love how she's made an arrow, so I know to open up the card...)</div>
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(I'm still trying to figure out why the sun is a cyclops, but... maybe some things aren't to be understood?)</div>
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<br />
That's all the awesome I've been able to conjure in this frame of mind, folks. Will try to pick my ass off the floor in time for a truly awesome round of awesomeness next week!<br />
<br />
In the meantime, have a fabulous holiday, and hug the ones you love. I'm going to go collect one of those hugs from my awesome-hugger husband. Which makes three awesome things reported on today. :-)Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-70072882041137341272012-12-17T16:58:00.000-05:002012-12-23T20:56:33.876-05:00The (belated) week in AwesomenessHi everyone,<br />
<br />
Geez, I made a vow last weekend to give a weekly recap of good news, and I miss it my very first chance! Sorry folks, Friday kind of threw me. But I'm thinking it threw pretty much everyone with a soul, which means we're ALL in need of a little bit of Awesomeness, even if it's a day late.<br />
<br />
Up until Friday, my week had been pretty darned awesome. <a href="http://theofleury14.com/" target="_blank">Theo Fleury</a> tweeted last week's "Awesomeness" post, which resulted in more people visiting the blog within an hour than usually show up in a week -- thus introducing me to a whole bunch of really amazing people, some fun brainstorming, and a whole new web of collaborators. The <a href="http://www.katiefoundation.com/" target="_blank">Katie Project</a> has some new supporters, and the inaugural CD has a couple of new song contributors. Which is pretty flippin' awesome, if you ask me! (The high-school orchestra-geek in me is a little freaked out that hockey players are talking to me, but I keep reminding myself that I'm in my forties now, and the world isn't so neatly divided anymore...)<br />
<br />
Speaking of hockey players, I'd like to point you all to Theo's Victor Walk "Ambassadors" page: <a href="http://victorwalk.com/ambassadors/">http://victorwalk.com/ambassadors/</a> , where you can sign the petition to be presented to the Canadian government demanding change in the laws around childhood sexual abuse. You can also download a "Victor Impact Statement" and learn how to organize your own walk if you can't make it to Ottawa in May.<br />
<br />
Another great webpage I found this week is Susannah Conway's "<a href="http://www.susannahconway.com/2012/12/2013-workbook/" target="_blank">Unravelling the year ahead</a>". She offers a (beautiful) downloadable workbook to help say goodbye to 2012 and dream your dreams about 2013. There's also a downloadable monthly planner for 2013, to keep you on course to realizing those dreams you come up with.<br />
<br />
For all you fellow survivors, my friend B pointed out a new website (to me) that might be helpful to you as well. <a href="http://www.pandys.org/" target="_blank">Pandora's Project</a> is a huge selection of resources and support for survivors of any type of sexual abuse, as well as their friends and family. It's for men and women at any stage in their healing, LGBTQ-positive, with a message board and chat room, lending library, articles and tons of other resources.<br />
<br />
This quote from Mr. Rogers has been circulating everywhere since Friday. I'm sorry if you're sick of it already, but it's just such a beautiful sentiment, and important thing to remember when the world seems bleak:<br />
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<i>When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.</i> - <b>Fred Rogers</b></div>
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In a similar vein, <a href="http://thebloggess.com/" target="_blank">Jenny Lawson</a> blogged this great Dr. Who quote:<br />
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<i>"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things... The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things, and make them unimportant."</i></div>
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Yes, there are some horrible things that happen in the world, but there's always wonderful things happening to counter them. You can lose yourself to despair, or you can see the love and beauty shining through.<br />
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I choose to see the love and beauty.<br />
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If you'll excuse one more "me" thing, I received a beautiful compliment from an old friend, after he read Saturday's blog post about the shooting. It made me bawl my eyes out, which was rather embarrassing, since I read it waiting for a concert, but... at least they were happy tears.<br />
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He said:<br />
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<i>You are a ray of sunshine in a dark and scary world.</i></div>
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You'd bawl your eyes out in the audience too, wouldn't you? :-)<br />
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That's certainly what I try to be. Living proof that you don't have to let the bad shit get you down. There is always something good to cling to, even if you have difficulty finding it at first. We can't escape the dark and scary stuff, we can just use it to learn and make ourselves better, and then be a light for others whenever we can.<br />
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And if that doesn't make you smile, BuzzFeed has compiled a list of "<a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/moments-that-restored-our-faith-in-humanity-this-y" target="_blank">26 Moments that Restored our Faith in Humanity This Year</a>". Enjoy!</div>
Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-22053721855373019152012-12-15T20:55:00.000-05:002012-12-15T20:55:37.767-05:00But what about the kids who lived?Like many, I have spent the last day and a half alternating between tears, confusion and anger over Friday morning's mass murder at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT.<br />
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28 people shot to death, including 20 children. And while theories may be cobbled together by whatever bits of evidence remain, we will really never know why, or what was going on in the gunman's head, or what -- if anything -- could have been done to prevent this.<br />
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More restrictive gun laws would be the first thing that spring to mind, of course. Not to mention better access and less stigma attached to mental health services. I understand that various people are going to have difficulty with each of those statements. I'll stand by them anyhow.<br />
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If the murderer had gone into a school with a lead pipe as his weapon, less people would be dead. Period.<br />
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Yes, at least part of his intention seems to have been to cause harm, and he probably would have found a way to do so with or without more restrictive gun laws, but it would have been <u>far more difficult</u> for him to do so, perhaps even giving him some time to come to his senses, or for someone else along the chain to notice something wasn't quite kosher. And the argument that he could have illegally obtained a firearm just doesn't hold much importance, since it appears the firearms he used were all properly obtained and registered.<br />
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I got a bit of a raised eyebrow from someone (who didn't know me or my own story) when I tweeted yesterday "What a different day this would be if mental health services were more readily available than personal firearms." He was -- and rightly so -- concerned with a perceived mapping of mental health onto mass killings. I have read others' concerns about that issue, and understand where they're coming from.<br />
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But, as you'll hopefully remember from your own elementary school math classes, saying all A = B does NOT mean that all B = A.<br />
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As someone who has 30+ years as a "customer" of mental health services, I can safely assure everyone that I have never been a mass murderer. (I can't even bring myself to set up a mousetrap, fer cryin' out loud!) I'm pretty certain that 99.999999999% of my fellow mental-health-care consumers are in the same boat.<br />
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HAVING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES DOES <u style="font-weight: bold;">NOT</u> MAKE YOU A MASS MURDERER.<br />
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But I think it's pretty safe to say that someone who murders his mother, opens fire on elementary school classrooms and then shoots himself in the head PROBABLY has some pretty major issues, and could have used some help in the mental health department. Which, "mental health" cutting a pretty broad swathe, does not mean he necessarily had a mental illness or personality disorder -- it could have been addictions issues, a traumatic event that made him "snap", PTSD trigger, emotional breakdown, seriously messed-up perceptions of the world, or simply never having been given all the necessary emotional tools for his toolbox. A "diagnosis" at this point is neither possible nor helpful. But it's pretty damned obvious this guy needed help in the emotional and decision-making spheres, and did not receive it. Why not? Again, we'll never know for certain.<br />
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To the people who are afraid of mass murders being associated with mental health issues, I'd argue that the danger of stigma arises because the only time we seem to talk about such things is when disaster strikes. We don't talk about mental health issues unless we're forced to. Which is kind of freaking ridiculous, because with the previously-mentioned wide swathe that "mental health" covers, ALMOST EVERYONE has mental health issues at one or more points in their lives. Almost none of them become mass murderers.<br />
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We need to start a dialogue, to share our stories, to show everyone that mental health is as important to ourselves and our society as physical health. To show that going to a counsellor or psychiatrist or support group when you need an emotional "tune up" is no more embarrassing than going to the dentist when you have a toothache. Even the most well-adjusted, lovingly-raised, tragedy-free people out there (I'm sure there are some, right?) have things happen to them in their lives that they need help with -- the loss of a loved one, workplace stress, dealing with teenaged kids... whatever. We aren't all born with 100% of the self-knowledge and emotional intelligence we need to handle every single situation we come across in life, and we shouldn't expect ourselves or each other to have it all together.<br />
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You don't need to be a gun-toting murderer to need mental health services. Getting help with your mental health does not make you a gun-toting murderer.<br />
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And yes, I stand by my statement that if mental health services were more accessible than firearms, yesterday would have been a very different day.<br />
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Twenty children died yesterday (mercifully quickly, according to the coroner's report). Six school staff. The gunman and his mother, leaving behind the brother initially accused and now probably dealing with more emotions than he can name. Twenty-seven families who had been looking forward to the upcoming holiday break, but will spend it in grief and mourning instead.<br />
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These are the people mentioned in the media reports. These are the lives mourned. And rightfully so.<br />
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But what about the other lives ruined yesterday? There are reportedly 626 children enrolled in Sandy Hook Elementary, in kindergarten through grade four. By my calculations, that means the majority of witnesses to this violence were between the ages of 4 and 9, and the kids reported killed were ages 6 and 7, meaning that a bunch of their 6- and 7-year old classmates directly witnessed their murder, and probably narrowly escaped their own.<br />
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Which means that 600-or-so children have just had a lifetime of PTSD dumped on them. (And don't even get me started on the poor kids who had reporters' microphones stuffed in their faces mere moments after their escape.)<br />
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Which kind of gets me back to the wish that mental health services were as easily accessible as firearms.<br />
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We can only hope that these kids and their families are all getting access to trauma counselling right now. Yet, considering the ages of those kids, the effects probably won't surface until the funding for that emergency counselling runs out. Which, in the United States, means that only the lucky kids whose parents have an amazing health plan (not to mention the knowledge of when and how to access care) will get adequate treatment for their trauma. And when they become adults and (hopefully) get health insurance of their own, even if mental health is miraculously covered by their plan, their PTSD will be a pre-existing condition, and therefore not likely covered.<br />
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God Bless America.<br />
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And thanks to everyone who helped create this fate that I was born in the land of OHIP (that's our provincial health care plan, for those outside of Ontario).<br />
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I can NOT imagine where I would be today if I'd ever had to consider the price of my own psychiatric and other mental health treatments. Actually, I can. I'd be depressed, dissociative, and with zero tools in my toolbox to handle my other PTSD symptoms, not to mention handling life-in-general. I would, to use a technical term, be totally f*cked.<br />
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From what I can gather in unravelling and re-associating my past, I was these kids' age when I first started to dissociate. And with no psych degree or statistics to back this up, I think kids that age can be REALLY AWESOME at dissociation. I sure was -- a freaking overachiever, as always. ;-)<br />
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Have yet to develop the emotional tools to deal with the trauma you're experiencing? No problem -- just pretend it didn't happen. Or it happened to your imaginary friend. It's awesome. I'm not being sarcastic, it REALLY IS AWESOME. I am fascinated by the human brain's ability to save its own life. To keep it safe from things it doesn't know how to deal with, and keep those things neatly packaged away until it's got the knowledge and tools and support it needs to be able to deal with it. While I thought I was stark-raving mad during some of the middle bits, my brain was actually keeping me sane and safe. I am in awe of my brain. :-)<br />
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But my brain was only doing what these kids' brains are about to do -- it's just that most kids don't (fortunately!) need to access this particular brain function.<br />
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These kids are going to survive and forget and let themselves remember when they're able. They will appear to be "normal", they will appear to have bounced back long before the adults, they will play and joke and play on the monkey bars and be kids again.<br />
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Until something triggers them, or until their brains start to let the memories seep back in.<br />
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And whether it's the former or latter scenario, this will be the time when THEY think they're stark-raving mad. This will be the time when they need a strong support system. This will be the time they need some kick-ass mental health services. This will be the time when the people around them need to remind them that this is the brain reacting to trauma, that it's OK to ask for help, that it's normal to NEED help in dealing with this.<br />
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Trauma isn't a rainy day when you wish it were sunny. TRAUMA IS F*CKING <u style="font-weight: bold;">TRAUMA</u>.<br />
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Having seen how "well" (yes, that IS sarcasm) their country has dealt with the PTSD of their own First Responders and Veterans, I don't have much faith that they're going to look after these kids any better. After an initial flurry, they'll leave it to the parents -- forgetting, of course, that the parents have now likely been dealt with PTSD symptoms of their very own, and may not be fully capable of dealing with their children's issues adequately, even if they could afford to do so.<br />
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Do I seem angry? Yup, I'm angry.<br />
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Yes, I'm angry that there isn't stricter gun control. Yes, I'm angry that the gunman got to the point where shooting random children seemed like a good idea. Yes, I'm angry that the Godless Westboro Baptist Church is actually planning to picket the children's funerals. Yes, I'm angry that those insensitive reporters thought the story was more important than the children's well-being. Those are the obvious angers. There are many people angry about all those things.<br />
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What I don't hear is any anger over what's happened -- and is going to happen -- to and for the survivors. Right now, they seem to be considered the lucky ones. They are soooo not the lucky ones.<br />
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Suffer little children to come unto me...<br />
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Right alongside the 28 dead souls, there are going to be 600+ lost souls. That's what's really making me angry.<br />
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I hope it makes some others angry too. I hope some of those angry people are in a place where they can do something to help those kids who are still alive, but who died a little inside yesterday. I hope that, once all the hooplah is over, amidst all the anger and calls for prevention of future occurrences (all of which are good calls, don't get me wrong), that someone bothers to help the surviving victims of Friday's massacre.<br />
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I challenge the U.S. and Connecticut governments to provide free mental health care to these children in perpetuity.<br />
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Because even an angry girl can dream.Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1920610378763399622.post-45758493741201383382012-12-09T16:05:00.002-05:002012-12-23T20:56:59.723-05:00The week in AwesomenessHappy Sunday, everyone!<br />
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I feel like I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer recently, so have decided to do a weekly "good news" report. And there is much good in the world, so I shouldn't be at a loss any time soon. :-)<br />
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First is the much-anticipated announcement of Theo Fleury's <a href="http://www.victorwalk.com/" target="_blank">Victor Walk</a>! A team of advocates will gather May 14 at the Child Abuse Monument in Toronto, and will walk to Ottawa, arriving on the steps of Parliament Hill on May 23 to demand:<br />
<ol>
<li>Much tougher legal penalties on pedophiles</li>
<li>Prison time for those who did not immediately report the abuse to the police</li>
<li>A national registry so Canadian parents can be warned when a pedophile moves into their community</li>
<li>Significant government funding for the cure [I am assuming this is referring to healing for the victims, as research indicates there is no cure for pedophilia.]</li>
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He is also inviting survivors to submit or bring their Victim (Victor) Impact Statement, to tell their stories and unburden themselves from secrecy.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/mD_BTTIu-4k?fs=1" width="480"></iframe><br />
Video link: <a href="http://youtu.be/mD_BTTIu-4k">http://youtu.be/mD_BTTIu-4k</a> (Victor Walk)</div>
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Guess where I plan to be in May? :-) If you can't do the walk or be in Ottawa, they've put together a kit to start a Victor Walk in your own community. There's also ways to donate, purchase "Victor Movement" swag, and download a copy of the anthem "Walk with Thousands" (Fleury is also a singer-songwriter, Mister Multi-Talented Guy).<br />
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There's a video of the song on YouTube -- I wish the other musicians were named, but it's got banjo, so I'm happy. :-)<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/aFvc7WvkLqY" width="560"></iframe>
Video link: <a href="http://youtu.be/aFvc7WvkLqY">http://youtu.be/aFvc7WvkLqY</a> (<i>Walk With Thousands</i>)</div>
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Up next, I'd like to share an amazing quote and graphic which my friend Tina shared on FaceBook a few days ago:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyvECOLgXA61bE4vo2tgkMCH5kSQKZeXIXWM_KPoMsL-1uf9qKvfYmCR-3rgUYgkKb5coG09Iu1gyCbRFA_8zk6DZP4vomId7p-k8IKF0qif5wMptsGvYu_jGJq57GF2zVfadZTd_SRwPW/s1600/Anne+Lamott+quote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyvECOLgXA61bE4vo2tgkMCH5kSQKZeXIXWM_KPoMsL-1uf9qKvfYmCR-3rgUYgkKb5coG09Iu1gyCbRFA_8zk6DZP4vomId7p-k8IKF0qif5wMptsGvYu_jGJq57GF2zVfadZTd_SRwPW/s320/Anne+Lamott+quote.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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If the print is too small or grainy, here's what the quote says:<br />
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<i>"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better."</i> Anne Lamott</blockquote>
To which I say, "Amen, Sister!"<br />
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Way up in the top right corner, you'll see a credit to <a href="http://FromTracie.com/">FromTracie.com</a> -- being the curious type (and wanting permission to post this amazing graphic!), I went to check it out. It turns out, Tracie is a fellow survivor, blogger and advocate -- please do visit and check out what she has to say!<br />
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<a href="http://www.fromtracie.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="From Tracie Button" height="150" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7222/7219348860_dc36556901_q.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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Through her site, I also found a number of others, all of which equally fit the awesomeness criteria:<br />
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<a href="http://www.fromtracie.com/p/blog-against-child-abuse.html" target="_blank" title="Blog Against Child Abuse Button"><img alt="Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse" height="150" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8025/7259566740_7c9ce6d3bc.jpg" width="150" /></a> <a href="http://www.bandbacktogether.com/"><img src="http://bandbacktogether.com/static/images/button150.png" /></a><br />
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<a href="http://violenceunsilenced.com/" target="_blank"><img align="middle" alt="I'm a survivor. www.violenceunsilenced.com" border="0" class="alignleft" src="http://violenceunsilenced.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/button-125-VUsurvivor-2012.jpg" /></a><br />
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These are all about people telling their stories, and being part of each other's healing process. Which, as you might have noticed, is kind of my thing. :-)</div>
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Finally, on a more personal level, I have finished reading <a href="http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Ultimate-Betrayal-Enabling-Mother-Incest-Audrey-Ricker/9781884365409-item.html?ikwid=ultimate+betrayal&ikwsec=Home" target="_blank">"The Ultimate Betrayal: The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse"</a> (book report soon!) and made it through Part One (describing the many types of abuse) of <a href="http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Their-Hurtful-Susan-Forward/9780553381405-item.html?ikwid=toxic+parents&ikwsec=Books" target="_blank">"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"</a>. Both are incredible books, and I would heartily encourage fellow survivors to check them out.</div>
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It has been a tough slog going through these books and seeing my life in print -- although I am very much looking forward to Part Two: Reclaiming Your Life, which promises to help put some more useful tools into my toolbox.</div>
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Reading through the case studies and descriptions of these types of behaviours and what they do to a young mind, I have to say I'm kind of amazed with (and proud of -- yes, that was my outside voice!) myself for staying alive this long and not becoming a crack whore...</div>
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Because being alive and not a crack whore is pretty damned awesome! :-)</div>
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Alyssa Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15952824304836072132noreply@blogger.com6