Expectations

"When she sleeps, you sleep" were the orders my sister's midwife gave after Lilly was born.  My sister ignored that advice -- a genetic flaw of the Wright sisters, it seems.

My "patient", Don (home from the hospital yesterday) is having a nap, and I'm catching up on e-mail, blogging, laundry, groceries, to-dos...  Typical me.  Although, to be fair to myself, there are a few "have-tos" and several "must-do-to-keep-my-sanity"s, and a number of "must tidy up so the home health care worker doesn't go into shock on Monday"s.  :-)

That was me being fair to myself.  Now for me being honest with myself:  Ha ha ha ha ha ha hardeeharhar!

I haven't kept up with my expectations of myself my entire life -- why should I suddenly be able to now, when half the "household help" is recovering from surgery, and I've had to add Nurse Lyssy to my list of roles?

I've been cursing under my breath at people who knew what we were going through this week, yet still contacted me to ask stupid questions they really should be able to figure out on their own, still expected me to be able to function fully in the roles I'd already warned them I wouldn't have time for, and my personal favourite, the person who didn't have time to fulfil her own role so decided to dump it on me instead with no warning and no checking if I was able.  Seriously?!?!?

But, back to the being honest with myself part -- SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I mean, at least I curse those people under my breath.  But I'm treating myself with the exact same disrespect, aren't I?

Why should anyone treat me any better than I treat myself?

I cannot tell you how many things I thought I'd get done while Don was in hospital.  I'd packed up a number of books and magazines, none of which got touched (although I did read the same page of one of the books about 40 times before giving up on that endeavour).  I'd also transferred my web design program onto the laptop, so I could re-vamp my website.  (You will note it's still in the same sorry state as it was in 2007.)  I was going to put together the online volunteer collaboration system for the OFS.  I was going to go through all the tutorials for my new financial software and set up the business accounts.  I was also going to keep up my workout routine, change the bed, wash the towels, get all the laundry done, wade my way through the glut in my inbox, and scrub the house top to bottom.

What the hell was I thinking?!?!?

Not to be outdone, Don, of course, thought he'd finish mixing the trio recording on his laptop in hospital, and had been upset they wouldn't allow him to bring in the laptop.  And one of the first things he tried to do when he first opened his eyes after surgery (and the second, and the third...) was get out of bed so I could have a nap.

Seriously, it's kind of no wonder our previous relationships were all abusive, no?  Probably the only way either one of us could have a healthy relationship would be this way: where we're each trying to un-self ourselves to equal degrees.  (I remember taking a personality test when a client of the Sandgate shelter -- it basically said the same thing: that anyone but someone as self-effacing as me would be dangerous to get involved with.  Good thing I ended up with the male version of myself, but geez, I really have to learn how to say "no" a little better with the rest of the world, don't I?)

Now for the giving myself credit part.  I've accepted the casserole offers, and am not protesting.  When Don placed his breakfast order, I made myself a pot of coffee first.  I am back on track with my meditation and morning writing, which keep me sane (-ish).  I will get on the treadmill today and will get at least one load of laundry done so I can have some clean underwear without holes available, and will do groceries so there's some decent, healthy food in the house.  These last bits sound boring, but it'll feel good to get them done, and at least be closer to a normal (-ish) person in a normal (-ish) household than I've felt all week.

The website and the database and the financial software and the spring (!) cleaning will just have to wait.  I'm only human.  Oh, so very human.