Gratitude -- yes, really

There's nothing like an annual holiday to bookmark life events, or life quagmires.

Thanksgiving last year, I was in a state of wide-eyed anticipation, eager to get started and continue on a number of projects dear to my heart, looking forward to family visits and other usually-joyful occasions.

The year in between, however, has been characterized by betrayal, abandonment, and loss.  Each of my closest primary relationships -- other than the girlfriends, god bless the girlfriends! -- in fact, has dealt me a blow of abandonment and/or betrayal this year.  In spectacular fashion.  And may I defy the censors and emphasize, in spec-fucking-tacular fashion.  This is a year which has left me crumpled in a heap on the floor, from which I am still attempting to gather up my pieces, and hoping some of the prettier ones will be krazy-glue-able back together.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this year has truly sucked.  In spec-sucking-tacular suckitude (bite me, spellcheck!).

The year that was supposed to hold such joy and promise and kick-assedness and taking-on-the-world and making-my-dreams-come-true and shiny happy rainbow coloured puppies and ponies has instead been one of despair and desolation and getting my ass kicked into the deep, dark ground.

Happy Freakin' Thanksgiving.  Gobble gobble gobble PITY PARTY!  (Great head space for a Thanksgiving post on gratitude, eh what?)

Listening to everyone giving thanks for their shiny happy rainbows, reading Twitter and FaceBook posts about their thankfulness for smiling puppies and ponies and people who stick by them no matter what and love them the way they deserve... I knew I was supposed to come up with something...  Dear lord, I spent four months blogging about "The Week in Awesome" towards the beginning of this anno horribilus, surely I could come up with SOMETHING other than "I'm thankful I haven't stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork, so have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender."

(Although, considering the year it's been, I should probably be quite proud about that awesome fact...)

And I thus was spending the first half of Thanksgiving weekend fully entrenched in "waah, waaah, waaaahhhh!" mode.

But then I came across this quote in a friend's FB post:

It is relatively easy to feel grateful when good things are happening, and life is going the way we want it to.  A much greater challenge is to be grateful when things are not going so well, and are not going the way we think they should...

The religious traditions encourage us to do more than react with passivity and resignation to loss and crisis; they advise us to change our perspective, so that our suffering is transformed into an opportunity for growth.  Not only does the experience of tragedy give us an exceptional opportunity for growth, but some sort of suffering is also necessary for a person to achieve maximal psychological growth.

In his study of self-actualizers, the paragons of mental wellness, the famed humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow noted that "the most important learning lessons... were tragedies, deaths, and trauma... which forced change in the life-outlook of the person and consequently in everything that he did."

[Robert Emmons, from "Thanks!" ]

...and was floored, humbled and challenged.

Opportunities for growth abound right now.  Heck, by the time I deal with them all, I'll be eight feet tall with a brain the size of Texas!  ;)

But yes, this conglomeration of tragedies and traumas forced me to (finally) take my dear friend Ali's advice (did I mention my awesome girlfriends?) and "enrol" myself at the Trauma Centre, to deal with the next stage (how many friggin' stages are there, fer cryin' out loud?!?!?) of my recovery from that childhood rife with opportunities for growth.  And just a couple of months in, I can feel myself drop-kicked off the old plateau and zooming to new heights.

To a place where I know that, no matter who I am or what I do, I don't deserve to be treated as anything less than human.  That speaking my truth is not punishable by violence (physical or emotional).  That I have every right to expect honesty, loyalty and integrity from the people who demand it of me.  And that those who claim to love me had better put their actions and behaviours behind their words, and not just at those moments when they want me to do something for them.

Yes, I realize this all seems like kind of a no-brainer to most people, but... you might need to read some previous blog posts to get a wee hint at how very foreign these concepts are to someone who was groomed from an early age to be paedophile-fodder / caregiver / rescuer / doormat / outlet-for-your-rage, sire / secret-keeper.  (Plus, holy crap... I must say that I'm discovering more and more layers of that grooming via my ongoing therapeutic work -- there's probably a LOT of people right now praying the secret-keeper brainwashing is gonna stick, because the forget-everything-or-at-least-believe-you're-only-remembering-because-you're-the-crazy-one brainwashing is rapidly being chiselled away as I come to fully realize the depth and breadth of my abuse...)

As it turns out, while I obviously haven't allowed any more physical or sexual abuse back in my life, I had sunk back into the caregiver / rescuer / doormat / secret-keeper mode quite easily, while also harbouring dysfunctional thoughts such as "I don't deserve", "I am less than" and "I am unworthy", and training others to use, abuse and ignore me, because that was surely my place in the world.

Egads.  The things we do to ourselves...

And, using that whole frog-in-a-gradually-brought-to-a-boil-pot-of-water analogy, I guess it really did take the "perfect storm" of betrayals and abandonments before I could snap out of complacency and acceptance-of-shitty-treatment and say "Hey, cut that out!  I deserve better!"  To do a total re-wire (work in progress, of course...) and reprogramming of what I would and would not accept and expect in my life.  To try to salvage and rebuild the broken relationships with those who are willing to join in the new programming and also do the work this process requires.  To stop tap-dancing my ass off to somehow single-handedly build a healthy relationship with someone whose only goal is to tear me down and who wouldn't know "healthy" if it bit them in the ass.  To put the reluctant ones on hold until I can get a better handle on things.  To make my own needs and safety on equal footing with, or even (gasp!) more important than other's desires.  To treat myself as sacred.  (Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that one -- I did warn you, it's a work-in-progress...)

To treat myself as sacred.

Not the one who gets the leftover crumbs, if there are any, after everyone else's needs have been attended to.  Not the one who only gets to speak up if there's zero chance of anyone being even slightly bothered by what I have to say.  Not the one who quietly waits in the corner for someone to recognize that she's a human being as well, and is worthy, as much as, and deserving.

No-one else will recognize these basic truths if I don't recognize them for myself.  No-one else will treat me as human if I'm telling them not to worry about treating me with basic common decency.

If I want people to treat me as human, I have to treat myself as sacred.  And I have to keep reminding myself of this until it stops making me want to vomit, and I'm nine feet tall with a brain the size of Australia.  (Still 5'6", but... work-in-progress, didn't I mention?)

And I wouldn't have remembered to do this, were it not for this year turning out so very different than originally planned.

So, here I am: grateful for all the terrible things that were done to me this year.  Not grateful in a way that means I will accept this kind of treatment from anyone ever again -- yes, I'm looking at you, assholes-in-waiting, so just put it out of your mind -- but grateful for the reminder that, as a card-carrying human being, I do not deserve to be mistreated, and I am well within my rights to refuse to accept violence of any sort (without that being an invitation for more violence!).

I am grateful for the opportunity to re-draw and fortify my boundaries.

I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild my life on more solid foundations.

I am grateful that there are people willing to rebuild with me, and some awesome girlfriends cheering me on.

I am grateful for the reminder to not be less than, to reclaim my voice, to be the best me I can be, and to know that whoever and whatever I am at any given moment is the best me I can be under the current circumstances.

Yessirree, I am grateful to the gate-keepers, the liars, the abandoners, the cheats, the betrayers, the backstabbers, the assholes and the abusers.  They have shown me who they are, and reminded me of who I am.  I am not who they want me to be.  They do not define me, but I can take these circumstances and use them to better define myself.  Be who I want to be.

I am grateful to those who are willing to learn along with me that I do deserve better, and are willing to make the effort to offer up the treatment I deserve.

I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow, and reshape my life into something better.

I am and forever shall be grateful to the Trauma Centre for the incredible work they're doing -- for me and for everyone who needs their services.  Grateful to Ali for pointing me there.

I am grateful to the girlfriends, most especially Ali and Lisa, who make me laugh, and cry, and mix some mighty tasty martinis, and who have been there for me even when I've pretended I don't need anyone there for me.

I am grateful that the liver is a forgiving organ.  Because... see previous point about my girlfriends' awesome drink-mixing abilities.

I am grateful for my honorary and chosen family.  I can't change my blood, genes, nor history, but I can decide who to keep close to my heart, who to trust, who to share my life with.  I have a beautiful pool of people who fit the bill.  :)

I am, indeed, grateful that I have not stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork this year, and therefore have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender.

I am grateful that those projects and dreams that had to be put on hold for a while will still be possible when I'm ready to pursue them again.

I am grateful that I have the resources available to take this next step in my healing and recovery.

I am grateful that, this time next year, I'm going to be eleven feet tall, with a brain the size of the planet.

Happy Anniversary, yes, really

(Sorry for the absence.  The weekly "awesome" just hasn't been in the cards, recently.  I will be back, things will be awesome again.  Just have needed a lot of time to deal with a lot of things recently -- the below just being the tip of the iceberg.  Thanks for giving me my much-needed space, dear readers.)

As those of you who follow The Brights' blog at brightsroots.blogspot.ca already know, Don and I are enjoying a fabulous anniversary week at Sir Sam's Inn.  And today is our third anniversary.  And we love each other.

Which, if you'd asked us three years ago, would have been a given.  Heck, if you'd asked us even three seasons ago, it would have been a no-brainer.  Three months ago?  We would have said "Hah!  Not bloody well gonna happen."  But it did.  We made it.  We're here.

Life does throw us some mighty big challenges sometimes...

Or, in our case, Life says "Hey, you know what?  I just found this ginormous pile of shit you've been avoiding dealing with for several decades, but I'm trying to clear out some space, so here you go, DO SOMETHING with it."  And then you say "Hell no, there's a reason why I didn't want to deal with all that, I don't want it!"  So then you start flinging it at your wife, who then says "Hell no, that's yours not mine, deal with your own shit!" and flings it right back at you.  And then after you've both been hit squarely in the eye with a lob or two, you both look around and realize that, no matter whose shit it was to begin with, you both have a LOT of cleaning up to do.

I don't write this (solely) to see what the cursing police at Blogger will do with that whole description.  Nor simply as a Public Service Reminder to deal with your shit sometime BEFORE it ends up all over you, your home, and everyone you love (although that would be a REALLY AWESOME Public Service Announcement, just sayin'...)

I am writing this to say that you never know what Life (or love) is going to fling at you next, no matter how good things seem to be going.  But that no matter what Life (or love) does fling at you, you can survive it.  And if you (and whoever else is in the shit-party with you) are willing to put in the work, you can not only survive it, but make it better -- probably better than it was even before you knew it was awful.  Yes, really.  Better.  For Realsies.

No matter how dark (or shitty) things look, it can and will get better.

(Now, as someone for whom it has already not gotten better twice, I feel the need to make a caveat -- it can and will get better if BOTH PARTIES are willing to put in the work.  Which we both are.  Which is why we're here.)


Four months ago (to the day, now that I think about it), I thought I'd lost everything and everyone that mattered most to me (other than Ali, because she's just friggin' invincible).  Three months ago, I didn't see any way through.  Three months ago, nobody could have ever convinced me that we'd be spending our anniversary side by side, holding hands, loving each other and looking forward to the future.  (As in our future TOGETHER, not our future on opposite sides of the planet, armed with army-grade shit-flingers.)

There's still some cleaning up to do, we're still working hard.  There are many things to sort through, many wounds, old and new, that still need a whole lot of healing.  Still some lingering stink.  But we're working together.  Life is good.  We're laughing and having fun and loving each other and loving life and looking forward to many more poop-free anniversaries to come.

Life apparently still had a lesson left for me: you CAN do this.  When the going gets tough, the tough get staying.  :)

So happy anniversary to the man worth staying for.  And to the man who was willing to start working through that old, dark and stinky muck because he thought staying with me was worth it.

First anniversary is paper, third anniversary is, apparently, Lysol...

Ah well, nobody ever promised a life full of rainbows and lollypops.  That's why the traditional wedding vows are "through better or worse".  (Although I'm thinking they might want to rephrase it as "through worse or better", just to keep a light going at the end of the tunnel... just sayin'.)  But it is better.  Much better.  It will be even better.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of My Life.  Thank you for being here.  Thanks for, once again, proving "them" wrong.  I adore you.

(And thanks to our close friends, who have stuck by our side, despite the stink -- we love you all!  But you can't join us this week, no matter how much you beg.  Because... eeew.)

The Week in Awesome

OK, we're back to the usual version, where I post things by OTHER people that are awesome.  My inner child feels much more comfortable with this.  ;)


First up, a fabulous video by Project Unspoken -- which seems to me to be associated with the Emory University Office of Health Promotion.  And what a great campaign they've got going!

Project Unspoken: You're not just a victim.  You're a survivor.

Next, the 2012 version of "Where the Hell is Matt?" -- he always puts a smile on my face, and I hope he does the same for you.  This is what joy looks like all around the world.

Where the Hell is Matt? 2012

And, finally, a great conference in Toronto, if you're in the area -- I'm trying my bestest to attend, and one of the speakers is a new friend of mine, Deb Maybury.  She's also about to release a new book, which includes a song of mine -- I'll share the details of her book launch as soon as I have them.

Transforming Trauma into Triumph Conference

That's it for now -- have an awesome week, everyone!

The on-time week in Awesome!

Alrighty, I will briefly begin with what is making me dance the happy dance:

We had the second Steering Committee meeting of the Katie Project!  Yes, it's gone back to being called the Katie Project, rather than foundation -- yes, the website will reflect that soon.  We got our official mission statement together, created an official mission statement, and are on our way to strategic planning in meeting #3.  I love my committee, and I'm so very excited to finally be making this dream come true!!!

My hubby has finally started his trip home after four long weeks of being out west.  Yes, I did the happy dance to have the house to myself, but I'll be doing an even better happy dance when he finally gets back.  I'm complicated that way.  :)

Speaking of which, I had a fun night with my friend Ali, and we took our Attachment Styles quiz -- I am, apparently, "fearful".  Yeah, it wasn't a big surprise.  Although the big surprise was that I was *NOT* all the way in the far right bottom quadrant, I've actually worked my way closer to centre.  So things are looking up.  And Don can take of his helmet... most of the time.  ;)

And now, things that have nothing to do with me.

My friend Paul has started a wonderful thread on FaceBook about childhood bullying.  There were a couple of judgemental twits who told him he should "just get over it" -- but you know how well I react to that kind of statement... The years before five last the rest of their lives... and the years before adult... still suck, regardless of the rhyme.  Just sayin'.  I'm not sure if he's made the posts public, but you'll find out by visiting https://www.facebook.com/paul.bickell.1

And Shane Koyzcan has done an Incredibly Beautiful TED talk on that very subject.  Invest in a box of tissues and some Wonder Woman (or SuperMan) paraphernalia before watching.

http://on.ted.com/ToThisDay

I've been in love with this man's art and passion for several years, but this talk pretty much does me in.  :)

Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesome 'R' Us

Actually, I "R" a bit of a crankypants, as my service provider (won't name any names, but it rhymes with GoPro Hosting) just arbitrarily wiped my mail account and is offering neither an explanation, nor a return of a day's worth of gig- and tour-related correspondence, so I'M ABOUT READY FOR SOME AWESOME, how 'bout you?

This week's Awesome is small but mighty.  And yes, it's not external awesomeness but something I was involved in but am kind of proud of.  :)

It's my sister's 40th birthday this week, and her hubby threw her a surprise karaoke party on Saturday to celebrate.  Don's in BC right now and I... well I just couldn't handle facing the GateKeeper on my own, nor did I wish upon my sister the inevitable scene if said GateKeeper saw my face there, so I stayed home with a glass (or three) of wine and thought of her (my sister, not GK) fondly.

In lieu of our presence, Don and I enlisted the help of our friend Tyler Knight to create a video to send for the party.  We kind of broke the karaoke rules and made up our own lyrics, but we're sure you'll agree they were appropriate for the occasion!

Please note that when we added the birthday greeting, our software messed up the resolution and put a few glitches into the recording, so if you'd prefer to see the "clean" original video (a much better example of Tyler's magic), he's got a copy up on his YouTube site here: Sad But True Babe.

But the birthday greeting adds just that extra little bit o' cheese, so here is the lower-quality but higher(?)-comedy version that my sis got to see at the party:

Sad But True Babe

Have an awesome week, everyone -- I'll hopefully be less of a crankypants next week!

Awesomeness Revisited (We are beautiful, beautiful creatures...)

Not only is the Awesome Report on time this week, but Lisa's hubby Paul got the One Billion Rising photos and video to me just in time to be included in -- nay, the focal point of -- this week's report.  I am  re-energized by watching the community rally, and so proud to have been a part of this event, pathetic dancing skills aside...

(For those of you catching up on this dancing journey, I first mentioned OBR here: Last Week in Awesome, reported on my progress here: Dance Like Nobody is Watching, and apologized for the lack of footage here: Awesomeness Postponed.)

And here is the official recap of my V-Day One Billion Rising experience!:

As previously noted, I had cornered my friend Lisa at girls' night after several glasses of wine and she'd agreed to join me in dancing, so I wouldn't chicken out.  She recruited her hubby Paul to chauffeur us and take photos and video, so that

1. we wouldn't chicken out
2. there would be evidence of us not chickening out
3. we could drink enough wine so as to not chicken out
4. all of the above

And so, we met at their house mid-afternoon, to do some more practising and all-important wine lubricating.

Preparing to Dance

Maggie, the Chocolate Lab, tried to rescue us a few times as we practised, or maybe she was joining in -- she wasn't much worse than we were, really.  And then it was time to head down to Five Points!

Maggie wishes us luck

As we were pulling in, there were already a few people gathering -- by the time we'd found a parking spot and walked back to the park, it was really teeming!

Here we go!

The people are starting to gather

The original plan was to look nonchalant and then spontaneously break into dance (yes, there just happened to be a big-ass sound system in the middle of the park in February...).  But there were so many people gathered, it was impossible to pretend nothing was happening.  One report I saw said there were 200-250, another said over 500 -- I'm guessing the 500 probably included spectators.  Arif, a city counsellor who was dancing with us, said we'd have to shut down the whole intersection next year, since we won't be able to fit in the park if anyone else shows up!

Arif and Lisa finally meet in person

Photographing the photographers!  (Tina and Paul)

Paul keeps his distance (still not sure whether to admit knowing us)

There were women, men, boys and girls dancing, folks in wheelchairs or with walkers, people who actually know how to dance and people who just bopped up and down a little.  Drivers honked, the media took photos and interviews, it. was. happening!

Trying to look nonchalant, like nothing is happening

Yup, nothing happening here!

Lisa, trying to forgive me

There were some of the folks from the Women & Children's Shelter of Barrie taking part, as well as some of the gals from last year's Vagina Monologues (which we're repeating this April 23 & 24 -- stay tuned!).  The pianist from the Amity Trio and I bumped into each other and were equally surprised to see the other.

Risers to the right

Risers to the left

Risers in front

The police were there to keep everyone safe, just in case, but they weren't needed -- everyone was happy and supportive, and we had nothing but positive feedback from everyone.

Happy, laughing risers

Slighty dazed and what-am-I-about-to-do risers

A few words from our fearless leader, Shannon the Dynamo, and we were off!  (As in, to the races... not like bad milk...)

Shannon (the organizer) speaks with the media

We get our final instructions

Are we ready?

I think we're starting soon

Too late to turn back now

And Dance!!!

Alrighty, here is the video evidence of me... DANCING IN PUBLIC!!!

This was Lisa's son's camera which Paul had never used before, so he didn't realize that taking some stills would disrupt the video and there are a few glitches.  Also, he was standing right next to the speaker that stopped working for much of the dance, so you'll hear quite a dip in the sound mid-way (it comes back!).  Paul apologizes profusely.

I think I only said the f-word once (not audible on the video), and only knocked one person in the shins.  A rather successful dance, I'd say!!!

We are beautiful, beautiful creatures!

Afterwards, Shannon gave a thank-you and speech, and then Andrea surprised her with a thank you from all of us!

Shannon's final speech

Andrea thanks Shannon for all her hard work

And there was much smiling and cheering and joyfulness had by all.

For One Billion Rising

Holy crap, we did it!

No caption, I just love this photo!

Mission accomplished, we bundled back into the car to return to Maggie, who danced an encore for us as we came in the door.

Lisa had chilled a bottle of champagne, which we enjoyed with grilled cheese sandwiches -- and ketchup, because she doesn't want me to neglect my vegetables!  :)

Celebratory champagne and grilled cheese!

The perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day when your hubby is on the other side of the country -- good friends, stepping (dancing) outside the box, daring, dog, comfort food, bubbly.  Awesome!


Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise
Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise

This is my body, my body's holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures


Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesomeness Postponed

I had REALLY been hoping to give a Re-Cap of my One Billion Rising experience, but... the battery charger for the video camera that captured it all has gone missing and, of course, the battery has died.  So... will try REALLY REALLY HARD to get that all figured out asap so you can see me in all my dancing glory (?!?) -- OK, my dancing was not awesome, but the event was.  And the fact that I didn't chicken out is also awesome.  Yes that is me, patting myself on the back in a round-about manner.

So there is LOTS OF AWESOME to come... soon... any minute now.


In the meantime, I don't want you to feel cheated, though.  So here's an awesome photo courtesy of War Resisters International -- from Mozambique, an AK-47 turned into a saxophone!  (Sent via friend B, regular source of awesomeness.)

And, as if Matt Damon wasn't awesome enough just as an actor, producer, director, etc., he's inviting us all to "Strike With Me" to celebrate International Water Day, taking a stand on the water crisis.  The video of his "press release" is just hilarious.  Intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes, just sayin'...

Strike With Me

OK, that's it until I can get my own intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes V-Day report put together.

Happy Monday - have an awesome week!