Gratitude -- yes, really

There's nothing like an annual holiday to bookmark life events, or life quagmires.

Thanksgiving last year, I was in a state of wide-eyed anticipation, eager to get started and continue on a number of projects dear to my heart, looking forward to family visits and other usually-joyful occasions.

The year in between, however, has been characterized by betrayal, abandonment, and loss.  Each of my closest primary relationships -- other than the girlfriends, god bless the girlfriends! -- in fact, has dealt me a blow of abandonment and/or betrayal this year.  In spectacular fashion.  And may I defy the censors and emphasize, in spec-fucking-tacular fashion.  This is a year which has left me crumpled in a heap on the floor, from which I am still attempting to gather up my pieces, and hoping some of the prettier ones will be krazy-glue-able back together.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this year has truly sucked.  In spec-sucking-tacular suckitude (bite me, spellcheck!).

The year that was supposed to hold such joy and promise and kick-assedness and taking-on-the-world and making-my-dreams-come-true and shiny happy rainbow coloured puppies and ponies has instead been one of despair and desolation and getting my ass kicked into the deep, dark ground.

Happy Freakin' Thanksgiving.  Gobble gobble gobble PITY PARTY!  (Great head space for a Thanksgiving post on gratitude, eh what?)

Listening to everyone giving thanks for their shiny happy rainbows, reading Twitter and FaceBook posts about their thankfulness for smiling puppies and ponies and people who stick by them no matter what and love them the way they deserve... I knew I was supposed to come up with something...  Dear lord, I spent four months blogging about "The Week in Awesome" towards the beginning of this anno horribilus, surely I could come up with SOMETHING other than "I'm thankful I haven't stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork, so have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender."

(Although, considering the year it's been, I should probably be quite proud about that awesome fact...)

And I thus was spending the first half of Thanksgiving weekend fully entrenched in "waah, waaah, waaaahhhh!" mode.

But then I came across this quote in a friend's FB post:

It is relatively easy to feel grateful when good things are happening, and life is going the way we want it to.  A much greater challenge is to be grateful when things are not going so well, and are not going the way we think they should...

The religious traditions encourage us to do more than react with passivity and resignation to loss and crisis; they advise us to change our perspective, so that our suffering is transformed into an opportunity for growth.  Not only does the experience of tragedy give us an exceptional opportunity for growth, but some sort of suffering is also necessary for a person to achieve maximal psychological growth.

In his study of self-actualizers, the paragons of mental wellness, the famed humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow noted that "the most important learning lessons... were tragedies, deaths, and trauma... which forced change in the life-outlook of the person and consequently in everything that he did."

[Robert Emmons, from "Thanks!" ]

...and was floored, humbled and challenged.

Opportunities for growth abound right now.  Heck, by the time I deal with them all, I'll be eight feet tall with a brain the size of Texas!  ;)

But yes, this conglomeration of tragedies and traumas forced me to (finally) take my dear friend Ali's advice (did I mention my awesome girlfriends?) and "enrol" myself at the Trauma Centre, to deal with the next stage (how many friggin' stages are there, fer cryin' out loud?!?!?) of my recovery from that childhood rife with opportunities for growth.  And just a couple of months in, I can feel myself drop-kicked off the old plateau and zooming to new heights.

To a place where I know that, no matter who I am or what I do, I don't deserve to be treated as anything less than human.  That speaking my truth is not punishable by violence (physical or emotional).  That I have every right to expect honesty, loyalty and integrity from the people who demand it of me.  And that those who claim to love me had better put their actions and behaviours behind their words, and not just at those moments when they want me to do something for them.

Yes, I realize this all seems like kind of a no-brainer to most people, but... you might need to read some previous blog posts to get a wee hint at how very foreign these concepts are to someone who was groomed from an early age to be paedophile-fodder / caregiver / rescuer / doormat / outlet-for-your-rage, sire / secret-keeper.  (Plus, holy crap... I must say that I'm discovering more and more layers of that grooming via my ongoing therapeutic work -- there's probably a LOT of people right now praying the secret-keeper brainwashing is gonna stick, because the forget-everything-or-at-least-believe-you're-only-remembering-because-you're-the-crazy-one brainwashing is rapidly being chiselled away as I come to fully realize the depth and breadth of my abuse...)

As it turns out, while I obviously haven't allowed any more physical or sexual abuse back in my life, I had sunk back into the caregiver / rescuer / doormat / secret-keeper mode quite easily, while also harbouring dysfunctional thoughts such as "I don't deserve", "I am less than" and "I am unworthy", and training others to use, abuse and ignore me, because that was surely my place in the world.

Egads.  The things we do to ourselves...

And, using that whole frog-in-a-gradually-brought-to-a-boil-pot-of-water analogy, I guess it really did take the "perfect storm" of betrayals and abandonments before I could snap out of complacency and acceptance-of-shitty-treatment and say "Hey, cut that out!  I deserve better!"  To do a total re-wire (work in progress, of course...) and reprogramming of what I would and would not accept and expect in my life.  To try to salvage and rebuild the broken relationships with those who are willing to join in the new programming and also do the work this process requires.  To stop tap-dancing my ass off to somehow single-handedly build a healthy relationship with someone whose only goal is to tear me down and who wouldn't know "healthy" if it bit them in the ass.  To put the reluctant ones on hold until I can get a better handle on things.  To make my own needs and safety on equal footing with, or even (gasp!) more important than other's desires.  To treat myself as sacred.  (Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that one -- I did warn you, it's a work-in-progress...)

To treat myself as sacred.

Not the one who gets the leftover crumbs, if there are any, after everyone else's needs have been attended to.  Not the one who only gets to speak up if there's zero chance of anyone being even slightly bothered by what I have to say.  Not the one who quietly waits in the corner for someone to recognize that she's a human being as well, and is worthy, as much as, and deserving.

No-one else will recognize these basic truths if I don't recognize them for myself.  No-one else will treat me as human if I'm telling them not to worry about treating me with basic common decency.

If I want people to treat me as human, I have to treat myself as sacred.  And I have to keep reminding myself of this until it stops making me want to vomit, and I'm nine feet tall with a brain the size of Australia.  (Still 5'6", but... work-in-progress, didn't I mention?)

And I wouldn't have remembered to do this, were it not for this year turning out so very different than originally planned.

So, here I am: grateful for all the terrible things that were done to me this year.  Not grateful in a way that means I will accept this kind of treatment from anyone ever again -- yes, I'm looking at you, assholes-in-waiting, so just put it out of your mind -- but grateful for the reminder that, as a card-carrying human being, I do not deserve to be mistreated, and I am well within my rights to refuse to accept violence of any sort (without that being an invitation for more violence!).

I am grateful for the opportunity to re-draw and fortify my boundaries.

I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild my life on more solid foundations.

I am grateful that there are people willing to rebuild with me, and some awesome girlfriends cheering me on.

I am grateful for the reminder to not be less than, to reclaim my voice, to be the best me I can be, and to know that whoever and whatever I am at any given moment is the best me I can be under the current circumstances.

Yessirree, I am grateful to the gate-keepers, the liars, the abandoners, the cheats, the betrayers, the backstabbers, the assholes and the abusers.  They have shown me who they are, and reminded me of who I am.  I am not who they want me to be.  They do not define me, but I can take these circumstances and use them to better define myself.  Be who I want to be.

I am grateful to those who are willing to learn along with me that I do deserve better, and are willing to make the effort to offer up the treatment I deserve.

I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow, and reshape my life into something better.

I am and forever shall be grateful to the Trauma Centre for the incredible work they're doing -- for me and for everyone who needs their services.  Grateful to Ali for pointing me there.

I am grateful to the girlfriends, most especially Ali and Lisa, who make me laugh, and cry, and mix some mighty tasty martinis, and who have been there for me even when I've pretended I don't need anyone there for me.

I am grateful that the liver is a forgiving organ.  Because... see previous point about my girlfriends' awesome drink-mixing abilities.

I am grateful for my honorary and chosen family.  I can't change my blood, genes, nor history, but I can decide who to keep close to my heart, who to trust, who to share my life with.  I have a beautiful pool of people who fit the bill.  :)

I am, indeed, grateful that I have not stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork this year, and therefore have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender.

I am grateful that those projects and dreams that had to be put on hold for a while will still be possible when I'm ready to pursue them again.

I am grateful that I have the resources available to take this next step in my healing and recovery.

I am grateful that, this time next year, I'm going to be eleven feet tall, with a brain the size of the planet.

The Week in Awesome

OK, we're back to the usual version, where I post things by OTHER people that are awesome.  My inner child feels much more comfortable with this.  ;)


First up, a fabulous video by Project Unspoken -- which seems to me to be associated with the Emory University Office of Health Promotion.  And what a great campaign they've got going!

Project Unspoken: You're not just a victim.  You're a survivor.

Next, the 2012 version of "Where the Hell is Matt?" -- he always puts a smile on my face, and I hope he does the same for you.  This is what joy looks like all around the world.

Where the Hell is Matt? 2012

And, finally, a great conference in Toronto, if you're in the area -- I'm trying my bestest to attend, and one of the speakers is a new friend of mine, Deb Maybury.  She's also about to release a new book, which includes a song of mine -- I'll share the details of her book launch as soon as I have them.

Transforming Trauma into Triumph Conference

That's it for now -- have an awesome week, everyone!

The on-time week in Awesome!

Alrighty, I will briefly begin with what is making me dance the happy dance:

We had the second Steering Committee meeting of the Katie Project!  Yes, it's gone back to being called the Katie Project, rather than foundation -- yes, the website will reflect that soon.  We got our official mission statement together, created an official mission statement, and are on our way to strategic planning in meeting #3.  I love my committee, and I'm so very excited to finally be making this dream come true!!!

My hubby has finally started his trip home after four long weeks of being out west.  Yes, I did the happy dance to have the house to myself, but I'll be doing an even better happy dance when he finally gets back.  I'm complicated that way.  :)

Speaking of which, I had a fun night with my friend Ali, and we took our Attachment Styles quiz -- I am, apparently, "fearful".  Yeah, it wasn't a big surprise.  Although the big surprise was that I was *NOT* all the way in the far right bottom quadrant, I've actually worked my way closer to centre.  So things are looking up.  And Don can take of his helmet... most of the time.  ;)

And now, things that have nothing to do with me.

My friend Paul has started a wonderful thread on FaceBook about childhood bullying.  There were a couple of judgemental twits who told him he should "just get over it" -- but you know how well I react to that kind of statement... The years before five last the rest of their lives... and the years before adult... still suck, regardless of the rhyme.  Just sayin'.  I'm not sure if he's made the posts public, but you'll find out by visiting https://www.facebook.com/paul.bickell.1

And Shane Koyzcan has done an Incredibly Beautiful TED talk on that very subject.  Invest in a box of tissues and some Wonder Woman (or SuperMan) paraphernalia before watching.

http://on.ted.com/ToThisDay

I've been in love with this man's art and passion for several years, but this talk pretty much does me in.  :)

Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesome 'R' Us

Actually, I "R" a bit of a crankypants, as my service provider (won't name any names, but it rhymes with GoPro Hosting) just arbitrarily wiped my mail account and is offering neither an explanation, nor a return of a day's worth of gig- and tour-related correspondence, so I'M ABOUT READY FOR SOME AWESOME, how 'bout you?

This week's Awesome is small but mighty.  And yes, it's not external awesomeness but something I was involved in but am kind of proud of.  :)

It's my sister's 40th birthday this week, and her hubby threw her a surprise karaoke party on Saturday to celebrate.  Don's in BC right now and I... well I just couldn't handle facing the GateKeeper on my own, nor did I wish upon my sister the inevitable scene if said GateKeeper saw my face there, so I stayed home with a glass (or three) of wine and thought of her (my sister, not GK) fondly.

In lieu of our presence, Don and I enlisted the help of our friend Tyler Knight to create a video to send for the party.  We kind of broke the karaoke rules and made up our own lyrics, but we're sure you'll agree they were appropriate for the occasion!

Please note that when we added the birthday greeting, our software messed up the resolution and put a few glitches into the recording, so if you'd prefer to see the "clean" original video (a much better example of Tyler's magic), he's got a copy up on his YouTube site here: Sad But True Babe.

But the birthday greeting adds just that extra little bit o' cheese, so here is the lower-quality but higher(?)-comedy version that my sis got to see at the party:

Sad But True Babe

Have an awesome week, everyone -- I'll hopefully be less of a crankypants next week!

Awesomeness Revisited (We are beautiful, beautiful creatures...)

Not only is the Awesome Report on time this week, but Lisa's hubby Paul got the One Billion Rising photos and video to me just in time to be included in -- nay, the focal point of -- this week's report.  I am  re-energized by watching the community rally, and so proud to have been a part of this event, pathetic dancing skills aside...

(For those of you catching up on this dancing journey, I first mentioned OBR here: Last Week in Awesome, reported on my progress here: Dance Like Nobody is Watching, and apologized for the lack of footage here: Awesomeness Postponed.)

And here is the official recap of my V-Day One Billion Rising experience!:

As previously noted, I had cornered my friend Lisa at girls' night after several glasses of wine and she'd agreed to join me in dancing, so I wouldn't chicken out.  She recruited her hubby Paul to chauffeur us and take photos and video, so that

1. we wouldn't chicken out
2. there would be evidence of us not chickening out
3. we could drink enough wine so as to not chicken out
4. all of the above

And so, we met at their house mid-afternoon, to do some more practising and all-important wine lubricating.

Preparing to Dance

Maggie, the Chocolate Lab, tried to rescue us a few times as we practised, or maybe she was joining in -- she wasn't much worse than we were, really.  And then it was time to head down to Five Points!

Maggie wishes us luck

As we were pulling in, there were already a few people gathering -- by the time we'd found a parking spot and walked back to the park, it was really teeming!

Here we go!

The people are starting to gather

The original plan was to look nonchalant and then spontaneously break into dance (yes, there just happened to be a big-ass sound system in the middle of the park in February...).  But there were so many people gathered, it was impossible to pretend nothing was happening.  One report I saw said there were 200-250, another said over 500 -- I'm guessing the 500 probably included spectators.  Arif, a city counsellor who was dancing with us, said we'd have to shut down the whole intersection next year, since we won't be able to fit in the park if anyone else shows up!

Arif and Lisa finally meet in person

Photographing the photographers!  (Tina and Paul)

Paul keeps his distance (still not sure whether to admit knowing us)

There were women, men, boys and girls dancing, folks in wheelchairs or with walkers, people who actually know how to dance and people who just bopped up and down a little.  Drivers honked, the media took photos and interviews, it. was. happening!

Trying to look nonchalant, like nothing is happening

Yup, nothing happening here!

Lisa, trying to forgive me

There were some of the folks from the Women & Children's Shelter of Barrie taking part, as well as some of the gals from last year's Vagina Monologues (which we're repeating this April 23 & 24 -- stay tuned!).  The pianist from the Amity Trio and I bumped into each other and were equally surprised to see the other.

Risers to the right

Risers to the left

Risers in front

The police were there to keep everyone safe, just in case, but they weren't needed -- everyone was happy and supportive, and we had nothing but positive feedback from everyone.

Happy, laughing risers

Slighty dazed and what-am-I-about-to-do risers

A few words from our fearless leader, Shannon the Dynamo, and we were off!  (As in, to the races... not like bad milk...)

Shannon (the organizer) speaks with the media

We get our final instructions

Are we ready?

I think we're starting soon

Too late to turn back now

And Dance!!!

Alrighty, here is the video evidence of me... DANCING IN PUBLIC!!!

This was Lisa's son's camera which Paul had never used before, so he didn't realize that taking some stills would disrupt the video and there are a few glitches.  Also, he was standing right next to the speaker that stopped working for much of the dance, so you'll hear quite a dip in the sound mid-way (it comes back!).  Paul apologizes profusely.

I think I only said the f-word once (not audible on the video), and only knocked one person in the shins.  A rather successful dance, I'd say!!!

We are beautiful, beautiful creatures!

Afterwards, Shannon gave a thank-you and speech, and then Andrea surprised her with a thank you from all of us!

Shannon's final speech

Andrea thanks Shannon for all her hard work

And there was much smiling and cheering and joyfulness had by all.

For One Billion Rising

Holy crap, we did it!

No caption, I just love this photo!

Mission accomplished, we bundled back into the car to return to Maggie, who danced an encore for us as we came in the door.

Lisa had chilled a bottle of champagne, which we enjoyed with grilled cheese sandwiches -- and ketchup, because she doesn't want me to neglect my vegetables!  :)

Celebratory champagne and grilled cheese!

The perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day when your hubby is on the other side of the country -- good friends, stepping (dancing) outside the box, daring, dog, comfort food, bubbly.  Awesome!


Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise
Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise

This is my body, my body's holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures


Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesomeness Postponed

I had REALLY been hoping to give a Re-Cap of my One Billion Rising experience, but... the battery charger for the video camera that captured it all has gone missing and, of course, the battery has died.  So... will try REALLY REALLY HARD to get that all figured out asap so you can see me in all my dancing glory (?!?) -- OK, my dancing was not awesome, but the event was.  And the fact that I didn't chicken out is also awesome.  Yes that is me, patting myself on the back in a round-about manner.

So there is LOTS OF AWESOME to come... soon... any minute now.


In the meantime, I don't want you to feel cheated, though.  So here's an awesome photo courtesy of War Resisters International -- from Mozambique, an AK-47 turned into a saxophone!  (Sent via friend B, regular source of awesomeness.)

And, as if Matt Damon wasn't awesome enough just as an actor, producer, director, etc., he's inviting us all to "Strike With Me" to celebrate International Water Day, taking a stand on the water crisis.  The video of his "press release" is just hilarious.  Intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes, just sayin'...

Strike With Me

OK, that's it until I can get my own intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes V-Day report put together.

Happy Monday - have an awesome week!

Breaking the record for late Awesomeness

Ah well, c'est la vie!  Yet again, a brilliant excuse -- Saturday night was girls' night, followed by Sunday morning's inaugural Founding Board meeting of the Katie Foundation (I could just wrap up the Week in Awesome on that alone...), followed by a quick nap, followed by some top-secret creative activities which shall be revealed some time next month, followed by... Monday.

But here I am, basking in the glow of the Awesome first meeting, realizing that the world needs a bit of awesome.

Most of the awesome comes, once again, from friend B -- an endless supply of this stuff!  :)  The original link she'd sent expired, but I searched it out and found another version on YouTube.  The creativity of the Pilobolus dance troupe is just brilliant and... yes, Awesome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYftvseVzuI

And this beautiful documentary film, "Scared is Scared", in which filmmaker Bianca Giaever re-creates the story by six-year-old Asa Baker-Rouse, all about being scared and how to overcome it.  May we all have such wisdom:

Strombo | Anytime You Feel Scared, Just Think About What This Little Boy Has To Say & You'll Feel Better

And, the last B contribution of the week, SoulPancake's lovely experiment of putting a ball pit in a public space, and encouraging strangers to sit in it and talk about life's big questions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHV4-N2LxQ

And finally, I forgot to put this lovely graphic in last week -- not sure of the original creator, but it was posted on my FB wall via http://www.facebook.com/recipesforgals/:

A good reminder, n'est-ce pas?

Have a truly awesome week, everyone -- and happy day of love, or day of binge-eating, whichever side you're on.  ;)

On-time Awesomeness!

There we go, after vowing to allow myself to be late, I'm doing this on time.  How awesome is that?  ;)

The week has been busy, leading up to my hubby Don Bray's concert last night at the Double Door -- which was tons of fun.

So... most of the awesomeness comes from others this week!

First off, my friend Ali's CompassionFile -- I've already shared it with many, because it deals with that nasty little topic of: Boundaries.  Boundaries are awesome.  If you have them.  Baby steps...  Her post includes a great exercise for working through yours -- an exercise which I promise to get to soon.  :)  Where Is My Bottom Line?

Next, a somewhat disturbing but powerful video sent to me by friend B, who has become a great source of all things awesome.  Residential Redemption:

 

Next up, also from friend B, some words of wisdom from a young boy about learning to ride a bike -- and pretty much everything else in life, I think.  It'll make you feel happy of yourself, I guarantee!

And finally, a beautiful story from the Toronto Star, in reference to this truly awesome photo:

That's all folks -- have an awesome first week of February!

Last Week in Awesome

OK, I'm not even going to bother with an excuse.  Perhaps Monday should be the OFFICIAL "Week in Awesome" publishing day, because life seems to just make it happen on a Monday, anyhow.

If I *were* to make an excuse, mind you, it would be that I had an awesome girls' night with my friend Ali -- while escaping Don's boys' night at our house.  This particular episode of boys' night included ouzo, so it is doubly awesome that I got to escape -- if it had been single malt, I might have stuck around.

Ali is also one of the "Inaugural" Board Members of the new foundation, so we were able to get lots of work done, too.  Yessireee, lots of awesome work.  Pages and pages of work.  OK... maybe not pages and pages, but some really good discussions, tucked in amongst the snacks, martinis, way-too-much-dinner, wine, midnight snacks, more wine, way-too-much-brunch-the-next-day.  And her dad (at brunch, NOT at girls' night!) helped give an idea of some of the required legal stuff (and cost estimates), too.  And he's got some refurbished minute books he can donate to the cause!

When I got home, there was a message that my lovely niece had called and wanted me to call back.  She'd gone to her VERY FIRST symphony concert (at 7 years old) and declared it to be: yes, AWESOME!!!  Can you tell she's my niece?  She'd even managed to stay awake for the second set.  She also announced that she'd been allowed to stay up until 10:30 for a party on Saturday, and was very proud of herself -- I sense musicians' hours in the making here.  ;)  When I asked her if she'd been cranky over the weekend, she said yes, but only a little bit -- self-awareness in a 7-year-old?  Awesome.  :)  (Mind you, I didn't double-check with her mother what "only a little bit" meant in the adult world, so I may have just been snowed by a 7-year old...)

I got my car back from the body shop on Friday.  It turns out, while they were replacing the panel that dimtwit backed in to (in to which the dimtwit backed), they discovered she'd actually hit the car with enough force to also crack the bottom left corner of the windshield!  So... new windshield for me.  But the body shop and the insurance company both agreed that this was 100% the fault of said dimtwit, so I didn't have to pay the deductible or anything.  Just drive my newly-shiny car home.  The newly-shiny car with seat warmers.  Oh, in a week of minus-27, how I missed thee, oh seat warmers!  (Seat warmers are... oh, you know...)

The Big Awesome of the week, however, is One Billion Rising -- an international movement created by Eve Ensler (writer of The Vagina Monologues), inviting women to Strike, Dance and Rise on V-Day, February 14.



As the website says:

One in Three Women on the Planet will be Raped or Beaten in her Lifetime.

One Billion Women Violated is an Atrocity.

One Billion Women Dancing is a Revolution.

Join V-Day on February 14, 2013

Strike, Dance, Rise

in your community and

Demand an END to Violence

One of my friends from last year's Vagina Monologues, Shannon Murree, has created a Barrie and Simcoe Region dance flashmob event -- location still to be decided.  If you'd like to take part, please visit the FaceBook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/one.billion.barrie/

Yes, I will be dancing.  Pick yourselves up off the floor.  As nobody has ever seen me dance (unless you knew me in grade 7 and were one of the lucky few to survive it without dying laughing), just witnessing such a monumental event should be enough to make you want to take part!

Just so you have an idea of what it's SUPPOSED to look like here's the official video, with anthem by Tena Clark and choreography by the magnificently awesome Debbie Allen:

Download the song!

If I can dance, you can dance.  :)

If you're in the Simcoe region, please join us!  If you're anywhere else and want to get involved, there's a list of planned events -- growing every day -- at the One Billion Rising website (http://onebillionrising.org), as well as a toolkit to help get an event started in your own area.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go practise my moves.

Have an awesome week, everyone!

The awesomely late Week in Awesome

But the reason why this post is so awesomely late is actually... you guessed it, quite awesome!  Not only did we get to spend the weekend with some lovely (new to me) relatives, we also got started on making the Katie Foundation a real entity.  And brainstorming and fantasizing and... making me realize that I might really and truly be able to pull this off.  No longer a fantasy, but a reality.  As in real life.  You know... like... um... REAL.

Not only that, but along with the three wonderful humans, I got to spend the weekend with a Black Lab named Raven -- and you guys know I'm a total sucker for Black Labs.  Raven almost made me forget Sunday's hangover, because... yes, we did consume an awesome amount of wine on Saturday night, which made for a not-so-awesome feeling the next day.  Point taken.

But my sorta-not-quite-a-brother-in-law-but-he-can-be-my-brother-any-day Todd has sent me home with a USB stick of templates and forms and examples and questions to ponder and all the sorts of things that had my head reeling and wondering where on earth I would ever start.  Todd knows where to start.  Because Todd is... say it with me now, people -- AWESOME!!!

And speaking of awesome men, take a look at this photo:

These are protesters in India, reacting to comments that wearing skirts is the cause of rape.  They're standing in solidarity with their mothers, sisters and daughters, and I absolutely love them.

And, in case Raven wasn't animal enough for you, here is an awesomely adorable video with two of my other favourite animals.  You might notice that the title is "Awesome communication!" -- it was simply meant to be.

Happy Monday, folks -- have a great week!

The week(end) in Awesome

Yes, here I am again, with another (good) excuse of why I'm a day late with the Awesome report!

You see, this weekend was our annual DIY Music Retreat -- a weekend of musical mayhem for about 35 folks.  This was the 7th year, and often it's the only time in the year when some of us manage to see each other, although there were some newcomers this year as well.  Something to look forward to in the darker days of winter, a recharging of batteries.  Lots of jamming, a bit of learning, great food and probably a wee bit too much alcohol.  ;-)

I wasn't sure how I'd fare, given my last two months of hermitage, but -- save for one bizarre triggering -- I'm happy to report I did quite well!  (I was, somehow, triggered by the shape of one person's nose.  Still trying to figure WTF that was about, and hoping he didn't notice my reaction and think it had anything to do with him...  So... if you're reading this and noticed my little panic attack when I looked at your face, please don't take it personally, I'm just a little wacked-out right now!)

As I believe I wrote last year, the "young'uns" had again improved in leaps and bounds, which was such a joy to see (and hear!).  And I got my annual dose of love from Mary H., who seems to always know exactly what to say to make me feel so special I could cry.

But the BEST news from the weekend was that at the concert Saturday night (everyone performs one song, often with others joining in), Mary headed on stage making excuses why she might not do a good job -- the most important one being THE NEW RING ON HER FINGER!  Apparently, boyfriend Marcus had proposed earlier in the day, while they were out for a walk.  And, let me tell you, if there's anyone deserving of love in this world, it's Mary -- she gives out so much love and joy to everyone around her, I'm absolutely thrilled she's getting some back (by someone that everyone who met him this weekend has declared to be Mary-worthy).

Because love is Awesome and Mary is Awesome and sometimes Karma can be really and truly Awesome!!!  (And Marcus has definitely earned a spot in the Awesome category as well.)

Returning home last night, and checking my mail and FaceBook and stuff, I learned that Mary isn't the only one who makes me feel so special I could cry.  Angie has posted the following:

So, as I reminisce the weekend at DIY, I am sitting at my dining room table listening to Dark Waters by Alyssa Wright. My 8 year old very perceptive, musically gifted young daughter, Aja, says to me, "Mom, does Alyssa KNOW that she's CRAZY TALENTED?" How's that for confirmation, Lyss?

Bring on the waterworks...  People saying nice things about me out of the blue is... oh... can I say it?... (gulp) Awesome.

On the Katie Foundation front, I'm meeting with my sorta-but-not-exactly-a-brother-in-law-in-law this coming weekend to figure out how to get this puppy registered and given charitable status.  There's a full board now in place (although additions are welcome, don't want to burn anyone out!), and we're all Really.  Freaking.  Excited!!!  Making your dreams come true is: AWESOME!!!

But it's not all about me!  (Well, it's my blog, so it kind of is, but...)

Friend B. sent me this link earlier in the week:  http://imaginepeace.com/archives/19222.  Six hundred guitarists gathered in Darjeeling to play John Lennon's "Imagine" to pay tribute to the Delhi rape victim, and spread "hope, peace and promise" in a country still coming to terms with the violence.

Alrighty, it's now Monday afternoon and I have to actually get some work done in between students (when did my Mondays become such crazy days?), so that's all the awesome you get in this round.

Have a great week, everyone!
Alyssa

Last Week in Awesome

Aiyaiyai -- late again, sorry!  But I have a good excuse.  :)

With a weekend off, we'd headed SW to a housewarming party held by a couple of friends of ours (Suzie and James), who recently purchased an old church just down the road from another friend (Joe). Now, you all know how much of a hermit I've been the last couple of months, and I've been avoiding parties like the plague.  Neither Don nor I are particularly good with parties where we don't know a lot of people.  So... when we heard that Joe was sick as a dog (leaving the party hosts as the only two people we'd know there), Lyssy might have had a wee bit of a panic attack...  But, we'd said we'd go, we wanted to support our friends, and we wanted to see this beautiful space they'd been lusting after for over a year -- so, I pulled myself together, and we headed down the highway with our jammies and pillows in tow.

And we're so glad we did!  Oh sure, we didn't know anyone when we arrived, but Suzie's and James's friends are all so wonderful (to be expected, as they're wonderful people themselves), we felt right at home.  And we'd made a lot of new friends by the time we'd left -- including one beautiful canine friend who fell totally in love with Don (can't blame her, really!), and visited our bed several times overnight to give him kisses (when she wasn't trying to crawl into bed with James).

So... I shall pat myself on the back and say that a major introvert taking herself to a party where she knows no-one is pretty darned awesome, especially following two months where going to the grocery store caused panic attacks.  Yay me!

But on a more general level, pushing yourself outside your comfort level is awesome.  I do know this, I have lived it many times, but... guess the universe decided I really needed a reminder to take some chances and leave my home base more often.  Fling myself on the mercy of happenstance.  Be rewarded for my bravery.  Yes, I know people have been telling me how brave I am for years, but I tend to keep being brave in the same areas -- this was a whole different type of brave, and the fabulous weekend and new friends it brought me were... say it with me now: Awesome.

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And it's a new year!  Don and I both did a 2012 wrap-up, and planned ahead for 2013, including picking each of our "official" words for the year.  Colour me crazy, but I chose the word: Daring.

Daring.  Guess I started the year right, then, daring to go to that party.

But it's not just about going to parties.  It's daring to stick my neck out, to speak up, to take initiative, to boldly go where no Lyssy has gone before.  Daring to get the Katie Foundation established -- and daring to ask for help (oy, asking for help!) in getting it started.  Yes, daring to ask for what I want and need -- who'd-a-thunk?  Daring to get this book written, and then daring to show it to people.  Daring to move to a new home that will better sustain our music careers -- daring to no longer have the excuse of location to fall back on.  Daring to say no (watch out world, I could get used to this!).  Daring to see what I want and just go for it.

Daring is Awesome.  Try it, you'll like it!

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Our dryer and gas valve have both been fixed, for not too much money, which means we should no longer be going downstairs and discovering our appliances on fire.  Which may seem like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel for something good to say about this week, but it truly is awesome to have one less worry on my mind as I attempt to go to sleep at night.  So lack of spontaneous combustion in our basement counts as Awesome.  Yessirreee.

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But the best has been saved for last.  Because earlier last week, we received a "thank you" card from our (awesome) friends Debbie & Mitchell for the gifts we'd brought for their baby shower last month.  Inside this card was this incredible picture of their daughter, at six weeks.

Now, Debbie's not a professional photographer, and she just took this adorable pic on her cell phone -- which kind of makes you think she should go into baby photography, no?

The surprise and love and sheer joy on this little girl's face just makes me want to giggle and play with her all day.  The photo is on our kitchen bulletin board, so I can't walk through the room without taking a peek and getting a big smile on my face.

Happy little babies -- and the parents who adore them -- are Truly Awesome!!!

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Happy 2013, everyone -- may it be a truly wonderful year for each of you!

This week in Awesomeness

Hi folks, and welcome to my now-weekly Awesomeness wrap-up.

As many of you know, this week has been a difficult one for me, so I'm kind of forcing myself into this right now.  Of course, I forced myself out of the house yesterday, and was promptly "rewarded" by having my (new) car rammed into by an idiot in the parking lot, so... BE GENTLE!  Check your mirrors and look where you're going.

Little Pollyanna me would like to mention it's awesome that said idiot only hit my car, and not a child (because if you can't see a big red station wagon with horn-a-honking, you probably need to get your eyes and ears and brain checked).  So... car body destroyed instead of life taken = awesome.

Don't worry, it gets better than simply not killing people...  :-)

A term I have heard for the first time this week, and have fallen in love with: Pocket Riders.  Pocket Riders are truly awesome.  No, this is not some cool new gizmo for geeks.  This is a form of virtual support that I have discovered on Pandora's Aquarium (previously mentioned twice in awesomeness, so I am resisting the urge to include it again).  If someone is about to face something they aren't sure they can handle -- such as a difficult therapy session, having to face their abuser, disclosing to someone, or just having to deal with a pain-in-the-ass mother-in-law, they will ask for Pocket Riders -- or others will spontaneously offer to jump in their pocket and travel with them.  No, nobody is actually jumping in people's pockets -- that would make it hard to walk!  But it's symbolic, that they're there with you, giving you invisible support, thinking of you as you go through whatever difficult thing you have to face, and waiting to hear how it went.  I have no idea how the concept ever came about, but it's just such a sweet and supportive thing, it makes me very happy.  Think pocket travelling might make it into a song someday...  In the meantime, there are some very dear new friends currently inhabiting my pyjama pockets and helping me make it through the day -- and I am enjoying the scenery from the pockets of a few others (one of whom is on a coast down south, so I hope she buys me a drink with a pretty umbrella in it!)  Yay to Pocket Riders!

A friend of a friend posted this link on his FaceBook wall: Ten Wicked Morsels for Living a Sexy Life, which I really enjoyed.  Bits of the writers favourite quotes compiled with her?/his? own life experience, each followed by a question to "give us cause to embark on grand and glorious adventures into the boundless realms."  I'm feeling sexier already.  :-)

And yes, I know I make jokes about this song and beginner guitar students in every guitar store playing it gawd-awfully and making me want to stab my eyes out with tweezers.  BUT... This is a kick-ass rendition of that song we all love to hate beginner-guitar-students-playing-ad-nauseam.  It's from a Kennedy Center Honors ceremony earlier this month, in which Led Zeppelin was one of the honourees.  Performed by Heart and a cast of dozens, it made Robert Plant cry, and in a Good Way.  I have to say, when the choir gets going and Ann Wilson really starts to wail -- GOOSEBUMPS.  Man, that gal has pipes!!!



Almost makes you want to forgive the endless hours of lousy players in guitar stores, doesn't it?

And, finally, I gave a "P.S." mention to this last week, but I have to give mention to Chief Theresa Spence, the Idle No More movement, and the people AROUND THE WORLD who are supporting them.  Idle No More calls on all people to join in a (peaceful) revolution which honours and fulfills Indigenous sovereignty which protects the land and water.  It was initiated by four women: Nina Wilson, Sylvia McAdam, Jessica Gordon and Sheelah McLean in reaction to current and upcoming Canadian legislation that affects not just First Nations people, but the rest of Canada's citizens, lands and waters.  In the last month, this grassroots movement has gathered so much momentum and so many supporters, it's just thrilling to watch!  If I weren't in such a ridiculous hermit-mode right now, I'd have gone to one of their events, but have had to support them in the cyber-world instead.  TwitterTwits, the hashtag is #idlenomore -- tweet away and support this incredible movement!

Happy New Year to one and all.  2012 has, indeed, been pretty awesome.  A toast to the past and a look to the future.  I'll see you in 2013.

The not-so-awesome week in Awesome

This one is kind of like pulling teeth, as my depression has been dark and icky this week.  But that seems like exactly the kind of week where I need to remember something awesome.

So...

Awesome discovery, introduced to me by friend B: Pandora's Aquarium.  It's an online support group and resource site for survivors of rape and sexual abuse.  I mentioned it last week, it's true, but I didn't actually join up until a few days ago.  Within minutes of my membership approval, I was warmly greeted by members from all over the world.  It's a fabulous community, with many sub-communities based on the type of abuse, what stage you're at in your healing, etc.  I've been really enjoying the J.O.Y. (for older survivors) Group -- oy, get me my walking cane! -- and it's been really great to be able to talk with folks going through the same things, and being able to offer support for other folks.

And, just when I was hitting the bottom of the barrel, depression-wise, feeling sorry for myself that I was (yet again) alienated from my family in the season that's supposed to be spent with family, I got this letter from my niece in Friday's mail (she'd even addressed the envelope all by herself!):

(I love how she's made an arrow, so I know to open up the card...)

(I'm still trying to figure out why the sun is a cyclops, but... maybe some things aren't to be understood?)

That's all the awesome I've been able to conjure in this frame of mind, folks.  Will try to pick my ass off the floor in time for a truly awesome round of awesomeness next week!

In the meantime, have a fabulous holiday, and hug the ones you love.  I'm going to go collect one of those hugs from my awesome-hugger husband.  Which makes three awesome things reported on today.  :-)

The (belated) week in Awesomeness

Hi everyone,

Geez, I made a vow last weekend to give a weekly recap of good news, and I miss it my very first chance!  Sorry folks, Friday kind of threw me.  But I'm thinking it threw pretty much everyone with a soul, which means we're ALL in need of a little bit of Awesomeness, even if it's a day late.

Up until Friday, my week had been pretty darned awesome.  Theo Fleury tweeted last week's "Awesomeness" post, which resulted in more people visiting the blog within an hour than usually show up in a week -- thus introducing me to a whole bunch of really amazing people, some fun brainstorming, and a whole new web of collaborators.  The Katie Project has some new supporters, and the inaugural CD has a couple of new song contributors.  Which is pretty flippin' awesome, if you ask me!  (The high-school orchestra-geek in me is a little freaked out that hockey players are talking to me, but I keep reminding myself that I'm in my forties now, and the world isn't so neatly divided anymore...)

Speaking of hockey players, I'd like to point you all to Theo's Victor Walk "Ambassadors" page: http://victorwalk.com/ambassadors/ , where you can sign the petition to be presented to the Canadian government demanding change in the laws around childhood sexual abuse.  You can also download a "Victor Impact Statement" and learn how to organize your own walk if you can't make it to Ottawa in May.

Another great webpage I found this week is Susannah Conway's "Unravelling the year ahead".  She offers a (beautiful) downloadable workbook to help say goodbye to 2012 and dream your dreams about 2013.  There's also a downloadable monthly planner for 2013, to keep you on course to realizing those dreams you come up with.

For all you fellow survivors, my friend B pointed out a new website (to me) that might be helpful to you as well.  Pandora's Project is a huge selection of resources and support for survivors of any type of sexual abuse, as well as their friends and family.  It's for men and women at any stage in their healing, LGBTQ-positive, with a message board and chat room, lending library, articles and tons of other resources.

This quote from Mr. Rogers has been circulating everywhere since Friday.  I'm sorry if you're sick of it already, but it's just such a beautiful sentiment, and important thing to remember when the world seems bleak:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world. - Fred Rogers

In a similar vein, Jenny Lawson blogged this great Dr. Who quote:

"The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things...  The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things, and make them unimportant."

Yes, there are some horrible things that happen in the world, but there's always wonderful things happening to counter them.  You can lose yourself to despair, or you can see the love and beauty shining through.

I choose to see the love and beauty.

If you'll excuse one more "me" thing, I received a beautiful compliment from an old friend, after he read Saturday's blog post about the shooting.  It made me bawl my eyes out, which was rather embarrassing, since I read it waiting for a concert, but... at least they were happy tears.

He said:

You are a ray of sunshine in a dark and scary world.

You'd bawl your eyes out in the audience too, wouldn't you?  :-)

That's certainly what I try to be.  Living proof that you don't have to let the bad shit get you down.  There is always something good to cling to, even if you have difficulty finding it at first.  We can't escape the dark and scary stuff, we can just use it to learn and make ourselves better, and then be a light for others whenever we can.

And if that doesn't make you smile, BuzzFeed has compiled a list of "26 Moments that Restored our Faith in Humanity This Year".  Enjoy!

The week in Awesomeness

Happy Sunday, everyone!

I feel like I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer recently, so have decided to do a weekly "good news" report.  And there is much good in the world, so I shouldn't be at a loss any time soon.  :-)

First is the much-anticipated announcement of Theo Fleury's Victor Walk!  A team of advocates will gather May 14 at the Child Abuse Monument in Toronto, and will walk to Ottawa, arriving on the steps of Parliament Hill on May 23 to demand:

1. Much tougher legal penalties on pedophiles
2. Prison time for those who did not immediately report the abuse to the police
3. A national registry so Canadian parents can be warned when a pedophile moves into their community
4. Significant government funding for the cure  [I am assuming this is referring to healing for the victims, as research indicates there is no cure for pedophilia.]

He is also inviting survivors to submit or bring their Victim (Victor) Impact Statement, to tell their stories and unburden themselves from secrecy.

Video link: http://youtu.be/mD_BTTIu-4k (Victor Walk)

Guess where I plan to be in May?  :-)  If you can't do the walk or be in Ottawa, they've put together a kit to start a Victor Walk in your own community.  There's also ways to donate, purchase "Victor Movement" swag, and download a copy of the anthem "Walk with Thousands" (Fleury is also a singer-songwriter, Mister Multi-Talented Guy).

There's a video of the song on YouTube -- I wish the other musicians were named, but it's got banjo, so I'm happy.  :-)

Video link: http://youtu.be/aFvc7WvkLqY (Walk With Thousands)

Up next, I'd like to share an amazing quote and graphic which my friend Tina shared on FaceBook a few days ago:

If the print is too small or grainy, here's what the quote says:

"You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better."  Anne Lamott

To which I say, "Amen, Sister!"

Way up in the top right corner, you'll see a credit to FromTracie.com -- being the curious type (and wanting permission to post this amazing graphic!), I went to check it out.  It turns out, Tracie is a fellow survivor, blogger and advocate -- please do visit and check out what she has to say!

Through her site, I also found a number of others, all of which equally fit the awesomeness criteria:

     

 

These are all about people telling their stories, and being part of each other's healing process.  Which, as you might have noticed, is kind of my thing.  :-)

Finally, on a more personal level, I have finished reading "The Ultimate Betrayal: The Enabling Mother, Incest and Sexual Abuse" (book report soon!) and made it through Part One (describing the many types of abuse) of "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life".  Both are incredible books, and I would heartily encourage fellow survivors to check them out.

It has been a tough slog going through these books and seeing my life in print -- although I am very much looking forward to Part Two: Reclaiming Your Life, which promises to help put some more useful tools into my toolbox.

Reading through the case studies and descriptions of these types of behaviours and what they do to a young mind, I have to say I'm kind of amazed with (and proud of -- yes, that was my outside voice!) myself for staying alive this long and not becoming a crack whore...

Because being alive and not a crack whore is pretty damned awesome!  :-)