Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The blank canvass

OK, I'm not a painter -- how about the blank page?  Very intimidating, the blank page.  I don't usually write very well from the blank page.  There's usually something swimming around in my head long before I allow myself to touch the page -- well, swimming around and knocking desperately on the door, insisting I let it out.  Or barf it up, as the case may be...  :-)

I don't write songs because I want to write a song, I write them because they give me no choice.

Kind of like how I've lived my life.  These are you confines, this is how you need to live.  This is your budget, these are the number of hours in the day (OK, those are the confines I still tend to ignore...), these are the resources at hand.  Fit the jigsaw pieces together and deal with it.

If I'm just dealing with it, I'm not really having to make a choice.  It's kind of easy that way.  Survival skills 101.  I'm really awesome at survival.  Crisis, chaos, conflict -- my forte.

Choice... not so much.

Here I am, well into month two of the time I allotted for figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up... and I'm still looking at barriers, figuring out how to navigate them.  Reacting to "reality" while making my "choices".

How many of those barriers are actual barriers, and how many of them are me trying to avoid making real choices?

How many choices am I making based on other people's parameters, or what I think my choices "should" be?

Under the guise of dreaming big, Don and I have been perusing the real estate listings for our dream home.  Some of the obvious things we want are a space big enough to hold house concerts, separate areas (be that an out-building or a nanny suite) for us to make music in without getting in each other's way.  Actually, those are really the only "have-to"-s.  We also tend to prefer the "character houses" to the newer homes, and will never, ever put ourselves in a gated community or next to a golf course.  Would LOVE to be in walking / biking distance of downtown and the waterfront.

With these criteria, we've been dreaming.  And we've fallen in love with one house that's WAYYYYY over our price range.  We actually saw it when we were in Victoria in September.  I guess it's kind of like brides and the first wedding dress they try on...  It is a gorgeous house, and if it were anywhere within our price range, I'm sure we'd have bought it in September.

But, here's the thing -- it's about 50% more expensive than some of the other perfect houses that meet our criteria.  Reason being, of course, it's all newly renovated with marble countertops and top-of-the-line fixtures and stuff.

Which... has never really impressed us before.

Yes, the layout impresses us -- big-time.  But... are we going for the glitz because we think we have to have glitz in order to dream big?

I mean, seriously, anyone who has been to our house knows that those marble counter-tops would be covered with piles of "to-do" papers in no time, and never be seen again.  :-)

Not realistic in any stretch of the word.  So... am I chastising myself for liking this house because it's totally impractical, or am I chastising myself for liking this house because I'm dreaming too big, or am I chastising myself because I just really like chastising myself?  And why don't I chastise myself about that for a while, while I'm at it?  ;-)

Of course, Practical Lyssy has found a bunch of similarly-laid-out homes in comparable areas for about half a million less than the Gorgeous Yellow House.  They even have more floor space.  No silly marble countertops.

When we were walking through the Gorgeous Yellow House, a man who'd noticed our Ontario plates pulled us aside and told us the house was far over-priced.  Which might explain why it's still on the market, three months later -- and they've brought the asking price down a bit.  Who knows, maybe by the time we're ready to take the plunge, they'll have realized the error of their ways and we'll get the Gorgeous Yellow House for a Practical-Lyssy-friendly price?

Or maybe there's another place that's just perfect, that will present itself when the timing is right.

Ah yes... but then, am I deferring to "fate" making my choices again???  Arrrgggghhhh...

I need to shut up my lizard brain.  Face the blank page.  Paint my dream home and dream life.  And get ready to dive in.  I won't know what fate has brought me, or when to dive in, until I can paint the dream.

Hand me my paintbrush, please!

1 comment:

  1. Your dreams make Picasso's images pale by comparison.

    Dream no little dreams.

    Dream no humble abode.

    Dream wild and free -- you are one amazing human being!