Here's what you've been missing at my new blog site

Hey, did you delete the memo?  I'm not here anymore, I've got my own blog set up at www.alyssawright.com/ramblings – and I'd love to see you there!

Here are THREE articles you may have missed:

http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/new-beginnings-and-no-more-orphaned-zombie-kittens

http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/angry-that-assault-victims-aren-t-taking-it-to-the-police-stop-silencing-them

http://alyssawright.com/ramblings/blog/conversations-with-men-about-rape-culture

Now get on over to the new site, because I don't want you to miss "Part Deux"!

Redirect: June is PTSD Awareness Month, Hold the "D"

Hey folks, there's a new post in my new blogging "home": June is PTSD Awareness Month, Hold the "D"

New blog address

Hi folks!

I've now got all my blogs set up under my own domain at feed://alyssawright.com/blogs/journeys-in-lyssy-land.atom -- url is http://alyssawright.com/ramblings

Still trying to decide whether to keep this one as well, or just send everyone to my main site.  Any thoughts, one way or the other?

Happy trails!
Alyssa

Happy New Year… Please???

New Year's Day.

Hmm…  I have been putting this blog off.  Very well, to give myself some credit.

Since my birthday, really.  You know, when I do the birthday recap, what have I learned this year, and what do I hope to learn next year thing…  Which I had every intent of doing, but then Frau GateKeeper decided, once again, to use my birthday (and, one month later, Christmas) as an opportunity to remind me just how worthless I am, and seems to have successfully recruited some other close relations into my "shunning", which -- as was obviously the intent -- hurt like hell.  So I wasn't really in the head space to recap the year, or think of anything positive about it, and the only thing I wanted to learn was how to do some very naughty things that would probably land me in prison.

So I figured I could be forgiven for postponing the annual wrap-up to New Year's.  Which… well, I guess it's still New Year's Day, but I've been studiously avoiding this all week, not to mention the numerous naps, and games of Angry Birds and casket solitaire that have happened today.

And even Pollyanna-Me is having difficulty finding the silver lining I always want to include, lest I convince someone (or myself) that life just sucks and you might as well give up now.  Reading some other bloggers I follow, I see I'm not alone in that this year.  Strangely, that gives me comfort.

I know a few who have refused to choose a word for the coming year, because 2013 was just so devastatingly disappointing.  I'm tempted to join them.  But I'm also stubborn -- even if I have to work past the naps and Angry Birds and casket solitaire...

You see, last birthday, and last New Year's, things were already pretty damned sucky.  Frau GateKeeper was having a hay-day, and her attacks were at an all-time high.  (These attacks have gone in waves over the years, as somehow she keeps forgetting my initial disclosure of my father's sexually abusing me, plus forgets the numerous times she's since heard me telling the truth about it and attacked me for it each time -- and with each wave the attacks have escalated to the point where I've finally realized I'm just not emotionally safe anywhere near the woman, and never will be.)  But the thing is, at the time, I thought that was the worst it was going to get.  That I'd finally realized there was no safe way to connect with her, removed myself from her firing range -- and while it hurt, at least I was finally doing something to protect myself, and would never allow anyone else to treat me so badly again.  I was down, but digging myself out, and ever hopeful for the future.

And so, when choosing my "Word of the Year" for 2013, I chose "Daring".  I envisioned myself throwing away those chains that had held me back for so long, taking those daring leaps and soaring.  The year did, in fact, begin with me doing just that -- making some incredible connections to help make the Katie Project come into reality, dancing (!) for One Billion Rising, assisting fellow survivors through peer groups, writing again, and starting to feel like I was finally doing my life the way I was supposed to all along.

When, WHAMMO!, the universe decided to pull a 180 on me.  Apparently, "Daring" was not supposed to be my word of the year, the universe made it a tie between "Betrayal" and "Abandonment".  Those have certainly been the themes.  From the GateKeeper and her newly-recruited minions to my husband to friends I thought I had to even my damned (now ex-) therapist*, the people I thought I could count on to be there for me through thick and thin were dumping me in the ditch or tossing me under the bus or dumping me in the ditch after running over me with the bus.  It was down to me and two girlfriends (later, a third) -- and with the resurgence of my abandonment issues and C-PTSD flare-ups, I wasn't really able to count much on me, either.  Even my own brain and body were turning against me.

[* A little break for an important Public Service Announcement:  Contrary to my previous assumption, the title "Psychotherapist" is NOT regulated in Ontario -- while they are bringing in new regulations, at the moment anyone and their dog can claim to be a psychotherapist, and not have to belong to any of the regulatory bodies, let alone follow their rules and policies.  Including, you know, things like ethical behaviour or -- something I thought was a no-brainer, myself -- CONFIDENTIALITY.  Not to mention, having the skills required to work with clients in a healthy and helpful manner.  As we later found out, this woman has quite a (ridiculously bad) reputation among ACTUAL psychological health practitioners, and every time we've related anything she said to REAL therapists, they have a hard time keeping their eyebrows stable.  Initials are S.F., working in Simcoe county.  Run for your life (quite literally -- she apparently believes mockery and humiliation are proper ways to deal with suicidal thoughts, and you can't be depressed if you jump up and down) and search out someone actually registered with the OCSWSSW or OACCPP or other governing body to get the competent, professional, and confidential help you deserve.]

So the annual wrap-up is: from March through December, I got very little done.  None of the dreams or goals I'd laid out for myself were attained or completed.  Zero to report.  Nada.  Niente.  The Katie Project is on the back burner until I have the mental and emotional energy to give it the attention it deserves.  I've barely booked any gigs because I don't know when I'll get the energy back.  I haven't written anything.  This entire year has been one gigantic unpaid sick leave, and if one more person asks me what cool projects I'm involved in, they might find themselves wiping snot from my nose as I wail from the corner in a foetal position.  I have no cool projects.  Trying to stay grounded and present and snot-free has been my overwhelming project this year.  I'm not sure if I've even succeeded at that.  No, I know I haven't.

What did I learn this year?  Everything I'd worked so hard to un-learn in the decades before (I'm unworthy of love, loyalty, compassion, having my basic human needs being met, etc.).

But then, girlfriend #1 (bless you, Ali!) introduced me to the Trauma Centre.  And I've been learning a lot.  Of the good stuff.  Seems I hadn't quite finished in the cognitive therapy department -- I've been hanging on to a lot of really bad assumptions, and using them as excuses for others to treat me really badly, or to ignore my own senses, or deny my own feelings.  Yes, even after decades of therapy, I've still got a few more mountains to cross…  Both Don and I have been lacing up our hiking boots, jabbing in the pitons, and helping each other across the terrain (when we aren't threatening to jab the pitons into each other's legs, of course…).  It hasn't been fun.  It hasn't been easy.

And, after a "Couple's Intensive" workshop weekend we went on in the fall, and the first bit of advice given to me from Terrence Real, I'm learning not to smile.  Which is harder than it seems.  When you've spent over 40 years denying your feelings, it's difficult to even acknowledge them, let alone show them.  A cheery smile and laugh has always been my best defence -- I embarrassingly remember being fired from a job for the first time (retail clothing sales, I was awful at it!) and laughing hysterically, hearing in high school that a good friend had lost his leg in a horrific accident and giggling like a fool, or my first husband and I deciding to divorce while I skipped merrily on the sidewalk as he watched, dumbfounded.  Feeling or showing anything but cheery has always been a dangerous thing for me, from keeping up appearances in my birth family and keeping secrets about my father, to present time when the GateKeepers et al feel the need to punish me every time I admit to having been hurt, for hurting now, or for taking the necessary steps to avoid being hurt again.

It's all very clear when you're looking at it from the outside.  When your trauma brain hasn't gone on walkabout or into a wingy fit.

I deny my own feelings in order to avoid being attacked for them.  When I do get attacked for them, instead of thinking "what an asshole for trying to make me feel what they'd rather I feel", I go into "I shouldn't feel that, what's wrong with me?" and the cycle continues.  I've got my work cut out for me… or rather, my trauma therapist has her work cut out for her!  OK, it's me doing the work, but her showing me how.  This may be long and expensive.  :)

This, of course, is probably just the tip of the iceberg.  She does have to work slowly with me, so my brain doesn't go on walkabout or into a wingy fit.  I'm seriously considering getting a PTSD dog.  Don thinks it's just one of my ploys to get him to let me have a puppy.  He could be right, but the way my brain and body have been rebelling this year, I truly feel that it would be practical as well as adorable.  :)  If you agree, you can offer to write me a letter of recommendation to include with the service dog application that Don may or may not know about ahead of time…  ;)

It's amazing what stays in the body.  And in the brain.  I've learned how to live on less sleep again, because the nightmares and hyper-vigilance have done a number on my usual 8-hour necessities.  Of course, considering how unproductive I've been this year, you might argue that I haven't really learned how to live on less sleep…

I'm learning how to get back into my body.  Which I can't say I like very much.  There are some really good reasons why I abandoned it years ago and retreated into my head -- it hurts too much.  Going back in really and truly is painful.  There's a lot of shit stored down there that I was hoping to forget in the next move (never works, but I keep hoping…).  I'm kind of surprised it hasn't already killed me in my sleep -- but maybe that's why I'm not sleeping much.

I'm learning how to trust my gut -- which, as many friends will remember, was a mantra taped onto the fridge in my previous house.  I obviously should have posted a new one here.  I'd get a tattoo if I weren't so freaked out by needles.  I'm slowly learning that it's not my job to make people feel better.  "No Rescuing", "Not My Responsibility" and "Trust Your Gut" were the three mantras staring from my old refrigerator.  I'd forgotten them in the last six and a half years since the move, obviously.  Time to re-learn.

OK, how's this -- I've learned that I'm capable of more learning.  And probably still require a lot of it.  But I've now got experts working with me, and I'm learning.  And I've learned that I've got two amazing girlfriends who I love beyond belief, and while I don't wish anything bad to happen to them, I hope I can be there for them in the same way they've been here for me this year.

What do I hope to learn in 2014?  Everything I've missed so far.

There, that's not too much pressure on myself, is it?

I have hopes, I have dreams, I have goals.  Of course.  Most are the leftovers from 2013.  So stating them for a second year reminds me of disappointment and fills me with dread.  I really don't want to pressure myself.  I can't afford to pressure myself.

So the overarching theme, my "Word of the Year" for 2014 isn't about goals or achievements or who or what I think I ought to be.  It's about what I need to do for myself.  For the people around me.  For those who love me and know what that word really means.  Who understand that "Love" isn't a word, or even a feeling, but an action.  A series of actions, a series of decisions, not something you merely write at the bottom of a Christmas card or say as you're pummelling the target of your "love" into a ditch under a bus.  A word to show myself and those around me what I *AM* worthy of.

Initially, I though my word was going to be "Healing", but that seems to imply an outcome, a goal -- something I'm capable (more than capable!) of falling flat with again.  Too much pressure.

This next year's word isn't about pressure, it's about giving myself what I need.  Giving myself what I've always needed, but was never given, so I always assumed I didn't deserve it, or was too demanding for wanting it in the first place.

As Clarissa Pinkola Estes describes so beautifully, it is time for me to start "Warming the Stone Child".

My word for 2014: "Nurture"

Happy New Year, everyone.  That's a wish from the bottom of my heart, for all of us, but especially for those who I know were struggling with 2013 as well, and who are having difficulty staring into the face of yet another year.  We can do this.  We deserve to do it well.

As The Universe told me this morning, "[we are all] infinite, powerful, fun-loving gladiators of the universe, with eternity before [us] and the power of [our] thoughts to help shape it."

I'm putting on my tiara and hiking shoes, packing a nice bottle of Rioja, some good brie, and my new toolbox, and sliding in to a nice, hot bath.  How about you?

Gratitude -- yes, really

There's nothing like an annual holiday to bookmark life events, or life quagmires.

Thanksgiving last year, I was in a state of wide-eyed anticipation, eager to get started and continue on a number of projects dear to my heart, looking forward to family visits and other usually-joyful occasions.

The year in between, however, has been characterized by betrayal, abandonment, and loss.  Each of my closest primary relationships -- other than the girlfriends, god bless the girlfriends! -- in fact, has dealt me a blow of abandonment and/or betrayal this year.  In spectacular fashion.  And may I defy the censors and emphasize, in spec-fucking-tacular fashion.  This is a year which has left me crumpled in a heap on the floor, from which I am still attempting to gather up my pieces, and hoping some of the prettier ones will be krazy-glue-able back together.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this year has truly sucked.  In spec-sucking-tacular suckitude (bite me, spellcheck!).

The year that was supposed to hold such joy and promise and kick-assedness and taking-on-the-world and making-my-dreams-come-true and shiny happy rainbow coloured puppies and ponies has instead been one of despair and desolation and getting my ass kicked into the deep, dark ground.

Happy Freakin' Thanksgiving.  Gobble gobble gobble PITY PARTY!  (Great head space for a Thanksgiving post on gratitude, eh what?)

Listening to everyone giving thanks for their shiny happy rainbows, reading Twitter and FaceBook posts about their thankfulness for smiling puppies and ponies and people who stick by them no matter what and love them the way they deserve... I knew I was supposed to come up with something...  Dear lord, I spent four months blogging about "The Week in Awesome" towards the beginning of this anno horribilus, surely I could come up with SOMETHING other than "I'm thankful I haven't stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork, so have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender."

(Although, considering the year it's been, I should probably be quite proud about that awesome fact...)

And I thus was spending the first half of Thanksgiving weekend fully entrenched in "waah, waaah, waaaahhhh!" mode.

But then I came across this quote in a friend's FB post:

It is relatively easy to feel grateful when good things are happening, and life is going the way we want it to.  A much greater challenge is to be grateful when things are not going so well, and are not going the way we think they should...

The religious traditions encourage us to do more than react with passivity and resignation to loss and crisis; they advise us to change our perspective, so that our suffering is transformed into an opportunity for growth.  Not only does the experience of tragedy give us an exceptional opportunity for growth, but some sort of suffering is also necessary for a person to achieve maximal psychological growth.

In his study of self-actualizers, the paragons of mental wellness, the famed humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow noted that "the most important learning lessons... were tragedies, deaths, and trauma... which forced change in the life-outlook of the person and consequently in everything that he did."

[Robert Emmons, from "Thanks!" ]

...and was floored, humbled and challenged.

Opportunities for growth abound right now.  Heck, by the time I deal with them all, I'll be eight feet tall with a brain the size of Texas!  ;)

But yes, this conglomeration of tragedies and traumas forced me to (finally) take my dear friend Ali's advice (did I mention my awesome girlfriends?) and "enrol" myself at the Trauma Centre, to deal with the next stage (how many friggin' stages are there, fer cryin' out loud?!?!?) of my recovery from that childhood rife with opportunities for growth.  And just a couple of months in, I can feel myself drop-kicked off the old plateau and zooming to new heights.

To a place where I know that, no matter who I am or what I do, I don't deserve to be treated as anything less than human.  That speaking my truth is not punishable by violence (physical or emotional).  That I have every right to expect honesty, loyalty and integrity from the people who demand it of me.  And that those who claim to love me had better put their actions and behaviours behind their words, and not just at those moments when they want me to do something for them.

Yes, I realize this all seems like kind of a no-brainer to most people, but... you might need to read some previous blog posts to get a wee hint at how very foreign these concepts are to someone who was groomed from an early age to be paedophile-fodder / caregiver / rescuer / doormat / outlet-for-your-rage, sire / secret-keeper.  (Plus, holy crap... I must say that I'm discovering more and more layers of that grooming via my ongoing therapeutic work -- there's probably a LOT of people right now praying the secret-keeper brainwashing is gonna stick, because the forget-everything-or-at-least-believe-you're-only-remembering-because-you're-the-crazy-one brainwashing is rapidly being chiselled away as I come to fully realize the depth and breadth of my abuse...)

As it turns out, while I obviously haven't allowed any more physical or sexual abuse back in my life, I had sunk back into the caregiver / rescuer / doormat / secret-keeper mode quite easily, while also harbouring dysfunctional thoughts such as "I don't deserve", "I am less than" and "I am unworthy", and training others to use, abuse and ignore me, because that was surely my place in the world.

Egads.  The things we do to ourselves...

And, using that whole frog-in-a-gradually-brought-to-a-boil-pot-of-water analogy, I guess it really did take the "perfect storm" of betrayals and abandonments before I could snap out of complacency and acceptance-of-shitty-treatment and say "Hey, cut that out!  I deserve better!"  To do a total re-wire (work in progress, of course...) and reprogramming of what I would and would not accept and expect in my life.  To try to salvage and rebuild the broken relationships with those who are willing to join in the new programming and also do the work this process requires.  To stop tap-dancing my ass off to somehow single-handedly build a healthy relationship with someone whose only goal is to tear me down and who wouldn't know "healthy" if it bit them in the ass.  To put the reluctant ones on hold until I can get a better handle on things.  To make my own needs and safety on equal footing with, or even (gasp!) more important than other's desires.  To treat myself as sacred.  (Yes, I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that one -- I did warn you, it's a work-in-progress...)

To treat myself as sacred.

Not the one who gets the leftover crumbs, if there are any, after everyone else's needs have been attended to.  Not the one who only gets to speak up if there's zero chance of anyone being even slightly bothered by what I have to say.  Not the one who quietly waits in the corner for someone to recognize that she's a human being as well, and is worthy, as much as, and deserving.

No-one else will recognize these basic truths if I don't recognize them for myself.  No-one else will treat me as human if I'm telling them not to worry about treating me with basic common decency.

If I want people to treat me as human, I have to treat myself as sacred.  And I have to keep reminding myself of this until it stops making me want to vomit, and I'm nine feet tall with a brain the size of Australia.  (Still 5'6", but... work-in-progress, didn't I mention?)

And I wouldn't have remembered to do this, were it not for this year turning out so very different than originally planned.

So, here I am: grateful for all the terrible things that were done to me this year.  Not grateful in a way that means I will accept this kind of treatment from anyone ever again -- yes, I'm looking at you, assholes-in-waiting, so just put it out of your mind -- but grateful for the reminder that, as a card-carrying human being, I do not deserve to be mistreated, and I am well within my rights to refuse to accept violence of any sort (without that being an invitation for more violence!).

I am grateful for the opportunity to re-draw and fortify my boundaries.

I am grateful for the opportunity to rebuild my life on more solid foundations.

I am grateful that there are people willing to rebuild with me, and some awesome girlfriends cheering me on.

I am grateful for the reminder to not be less than, to reclaim my voice, to be the best me I can be, and to know that whoever and whatever I am at any given moment is the best me I can be under the current circumstances.

Yessirree, I am grateful to the gate-keepers, the liars, the abandoners, the cheats, the betrayers, the backstabbers, the assholes and the abusers.  They have shown me who they are, and reminded me of who I am.  I am not who they want me to be.  They do not define me, but I can take these circumstances and use them to better define myself.  Be who I want to be.

I am grateful to those who are willing to learn along with me that I do deserve better, and are willing to make the effort to offer up the treatment I deserve.

I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow, and reshape my life into something better.

I am and forever shall be grateful to the Trauma Centre for the incredible work they're doing -- for me and for everyone who needs their services.  Grateful to Ali for pointing me there.

I am grateful to the girlfriends, most especially Ali and Lisa, who make me laugh, and cry, and mix some mighty tasty martinis, and who have been there for me even when I've pretended I don't need anyone there for me.

I am grateful that the liver is a forgiving organ.  Because... see previous point about my girlfriends' awesome drink-mixing abilities.

I am grateful for my honorary and chosen family.  I can't change my blood, genes, nor history, but I can decide who to keep close to my heart, who to trust, who to share my life with.  I have a beautiful pool of people who fit the bill.  :)

I am, indeed, grateful that I have not stabbed anyone in the eye with a fork this year, and therefore have yet to be incarcerated as a dangerous offender.

I am grateful that those projects and dreams that had to be put on hold for a while will still be possible when I'm ready to pursue them again.

I am grateful that I have the resources available to take this next step in my healing and recovery.

I am grateful that, this time next year, I'm going to be eleven feet tall, with a brain the size of the planet.

Happy Anniversary, yes, really

(Sorry for the absence.  The weekly "awesome" just hasn't been in the cards, recently.  I will be back, things will be awesome again.  Just have needed a lot of time to deal with a lot of things recently -- the below just being the tip of the iceberg.  Thanks for giving me my much-needed space, dear readers.)

As those of you who follow The Brights' blog at brightsroots.blogspot.ca already know, Don and I are enjoying a fabulous anniversary week at Sir Sam's Inn.  And today is our third anniversary.  And we love each other.

Which, if you'd asked us three years ago, would have been a given.  Heck, if you'd asked us even three seasons ago, it would have been a no-brainer.  Three months ago?  We would have said "Hah!  Not bloody well gonna happen."  But it did.  We made it.  We're here.

Life does throw us some mighty big challenges sometimes...

Or, in our case, Life says "Hey, you know what?  I just found this ginormous pile of shit you've been avoiding dealing with for several decades, but I'm trying to clear out some space, so here you go, DO SOMETHING with it."  And then you say "Hell no, there's a reason why I didn't want to deal with all that, I don't want it!"  So then you start flinging it at your wife, who then says "Hell no, that's yours not mine, deal with your own shit!" and flings it right back at you.  And then after you've both been hit squarely in the eye with a lob or two, you both look around and realize that, no matter whose shit it was to begin with, you both have a LOT of cleaning up to do.

I don't write this (solely) to see what the cursing police at Blogger will do with that whole description.  Nor simply as a Public Service Reminder to deal with your shit sometime BEFORE it ends up all over you, your home, and everyone you love (although that would be a REALLY AWESOME Public Service Announcement, just sayin'...)

I am writing this to say that you never know what Life (or love) is going to fling at you next, no matter how good things seem to be going.  But that no matter what Life (or love) does fling at you, you can survive it.  And if you (and whoever else is in the shit-party with you) are willing to put in the work, you can not only survive it, but make it better -- probably better than it was even before you knew it was awful.  Yes, really.  Better.  For Realsies.

No matter how dark (or shitty) things look, it can and will get better.

(Now, as someone for whom it has already not gotten better twice, I feel the need to make a caveat -- it can and will get better if BOTH PARTIES are willing to put in the work.  Which we both are.  Which is why we're here.)


Four months ago (to the day, now that I think about it), I thought I'd lost everything and everyone that mattered most to me (other than Ali, because she's just friggin' invincible).  Three months ago, I didn't see any way through.  Three months ago, nobody could have ever convinced me that we'd be spending our anniversary side by side, holding hands, loving each other and looking forward to the future.  (As in our future TOGETHER, not our future on opposite sides of the planet, armed with army-grade shit-flingers.)

There's still some cleaning up to do, we're still working hard.  There are many things to sort through, many wounds, old and new, that still need a whole lot of healing.  Still some lingering stink.  But we're working together.  Life is good.  We're laughing and having fun and loving each other and loving life and looking forward to many more poop-free anniversaries to come.

Life apparently still had a lesson left for me: you CAN do this.  When the going gets tough, the tough get staying.  :)

So happy anniversary to the man worth staying for.  And to the man who was willing to start working through that old, dark and stinky muck because he thought staying with me was worth it.

First anniversary is paper, third anniversary is, apparently, Lysol...

Ah well, nobody ever promised a life full of rainbows and lollypops.  That's why the traditional wedding vows are "through better or worse".  (Although I'm thinking they might want to rephrase it as "through worse or better", just to keep a light going at the end of the tunnel... just sayin'.)  But it is better.  Much better.  It will be even better.

Happy Anniversary to the Love of My Life.  Thank you for being here.  Thanks for, once again, proving "them" wrong.  I adore you.

(And thanks to our close friends, who have stuck by our side, despite the stink -- we love you all!  But you can't join us this week, no matter how much you beg.  Because... eeew.)

The Week in Awesome

OK, we're back to the usual version, where I post things by OTHER people that are awesome.  My inner child feels much more comfortable with this.  ;)


First up, a fabulous video by Project Unspoken -- which seems to me to be associated with the Emory University Office of Health Promotion.  And what a great campaign they've got going!

Project Unspoken: You're not just a victim.  You're a survivor.

Next, the 2012 version of "Where the Hell is Matt?" -- he always puts a smile on my face, and I hope he does the same for you.  This is what joy looks like all around the world.

Where the Hell is Matt? 2012

And, finally, a great conference in Toronto, if you're in the area -- I'm trying my bestest to attend, and one of the speakers is a new friend of mine, Deb Maybury.  She's also about to release a new book, which includes a song of mine -- I'll share the details of her book launch as soon as I have them.

Transforming Trauma into Triumph Conference

That's it for now -- have an awesome week, everyone!

The on-time week in Awesome!

Alrighty, I will briefly begin with what is making me dance the happy dance:

We had the second Steering Committee meeting of the Katie Project!  Yes, it's gone back to being called the Katie Project, rather than foundation -- yes, the website will reflect that soon.  We got our official mission statement together, created an official mission statement, and are on our way to strategic planning in meeting #3.  I love my committee, and I'm so very excited to finally be making this dream come true!!!

My hubby has finally started his trip home after four long weeks of being out west.  Yes, I did the happy dance to have the house to myself, but I'll be doing an even better happy dance when he finally gets back.  I'm complicated that way.  :)

Speaking of which, I had a fun night with my friend Ali, and we took our Attachment Styles quiz -- I am, apparently, "fearful".  Yeah, it wasn't a big surprise.  Although the big surprise was that I was *NOT* all the way in the far right bottom quadrant, I've actually worked my way closer to centre.  So things are looking up.  And Don can take of his helmet... most of the time.  ;)

And now, things that have nothing to do with me.

My friend Paul has started a wonderful thread on FaceBook about childhood bullying.  There were a couple of judgemental twits who told him he should "just get over it" -- but you know how well I react to that kind of statement... The years before five last the rest of their lives... and the years before adult... still suck, regardless of the rhyme.  Just sayin'.  I'm not sure if he's made the posts public, but you'll find out by visiting https://www.facebook.com/paul.bickell.1

And Shane Koyzcan has done an Incredibly Beautiful TED talk on that very subject.  Invest in a box of tissues and some Wonder Woman (or SuperMan) paraphernalia before watching.

http://on.ted.com/ToThisDay

I've been in love with this man's art and passion for several years, but this talk pretty much does me in.  :)

Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesome 'R' Us

Actually, I "R" a bit of a crankypants, as my service provider (won't name any names, but it rhymes with GoPro Hosting) just arbitrarily wiped my mail account and is offering neither an explanation, nor a return of a day's worth of gig- and tour-related correspondence, so I'M ABOUT READY FOR SOME AWESOME, how 'bout you?

This week's Awesome is small but mighty.  And yes, it's not external awesomeness but something I was involved in but am kind of proud of.  :)

It's my sister's 40th birthday this week, and her hubby threw her a surprise karaoke party on Saturday to celebrate.  Don's in BC right now and I... well I just couldn't handle facing the GateKeeper on my own, nor did I wish upon my sister the inevitable scene if said GateKeeper saw my face there, so I stayed home with a glass (or three) of wine and thought of her (my sister, not GK) fondly.

In lieu of our presence, Don and I enlisted the help of our friend Tyler Knight to create a video to send for the party.  We kind of broke the karaoke rules and made up our own lyrics, but we're sure you'll agree they were appropriate for the occasion!

Please note that when we added the birthday greeting, our software messed up the resolution and put a few glitches into the recording, so if you'd prefer to see the "clean" original video (a much better example of Tyler's magic), he's got a copy up on his YouTube site here: Sad But True Babe.

But the birthday greeting adds just that extra little bit o' cheese, so here is the lower-quality but higher(?)-comedy version that my sis got to see at the party:

Sad But True Babe

Have an awesome week, everyone -- I'll hopefully be less of a crankypants next week!

Awesomeness Revisited (We are beautiful, beautiful creatures...)

Not only is the Awesome Report on time this week, but Lisa's hubby Paul got the One Billion Rising photos and video to me just in time to be included in -- nay, the focal point of -- this week's report.  I am  re-energized by watching the community rally, and so proud to have been a part of this event, pathetic dancing skills aside...

(For those of you catching up on this dancing journey, I first mentioned OBR here: Last Week in Awesome, reported on my progress here: Dance Like Nobody is Watching, and apologized for the lack of footage here: Awesomeness Postponed.)

And here is the official recap of my V-Day One Billion Rising experience!:

As previously noted, I had cornered my friend Lisa at girls' night after several glasses of wine and she'd agreed to join me in dancing, so I wouldn't chicken out.  She recruited her hubby Paul to chauffeur us and take photos and video, so that

1. we wouldn't chicken out
2. there would be evidence of us not chickening out
3. we could drink enough wine so as to not chicken out
4. all of the above

And so, we met at their house mid-afternoon, to do some more practising and all-important wine lubricating.

Preparing to Dance

Maggie, the Chocolate Lab, tried to rescue us a few times as we practised, or maybe she was joining in -- she wasn't much worse than we were, really.  And then it was time to head down to Five Points!

Maggie wishes us luck

As we were pulling in, there were already a few people gathering -- by the time we'd found a parking spot and walked back to the park, it was really teeming!

Here we go!

The people are starting to gather

The original plan was to look nonchalant and then spontaneously break into dance (yes, there just happened to be a big-ass sound system in the middle of the park in February...).  But there were so many people gathered, it was impossible to pretend nothing was happening.  One report I saw said there were 200-250, another said over 500 -- I'm guessing the 500 probably included spectators.  Arif, a city counsellor who was dancing with us, said we'd have to shut down the whole intersection next year, since we won't be able to fit in the park if anyone else shows up!

Arif and Lisa finally meet in person

Photographing the photographers!  (Tina and Paul)

Paul keeps his distance (still not sure whether to admit knowing us)

There were women, men, boys and girls dancing, folks in wheelchairs or with walkers, people who actually know how to dance and people who just bopped up and down a little.  Drivers honked, the media took photos and interviews, it. was. happening!

Trying to look nonchalant, like nothing is happening

Yup, nothing happening here!

Lisa, trying to forgive me

There were some of the folks from the Women & Children's Shelter of Barrie taking part, as well as some of the gals from last year's Vagina Monologues (which we're repeating this April 23 & 24 -- stay tuned!).  The pianist from the Amity Trio and I bumped into each other and were equally surprised to see the other.

Risers to the right

Risers to the left

Risers in front

The police were there to keep everyone safe, just in case, but they weren't needed -- everyone was happy and supportive, and we had nothing but positive feedback from everyone.

Happy, laughing risers

Slighty dazed and what-am-I-about-to-do risers

A few words from our fearless leader, Shannon the Dynamo, and we were off!  (As in, to the races... not like bad milk...)

Shannon (the organizer) speaks with the media

We get our final instructions

Are we ready?

I think we're starting soon

Too late to turn back now

And Dance!!!

Alrighty, here is the video evidence of me... DANCING IN PUBLIC!!!

This was Lisa's son's camera which Paul had never used before, so he didn't realize that taking some stills would disrupt the video and there are a few glitches.  Also, he was standing right next to the speaker that stopped working for much of the dance, so you'll hear quite a dip in the sound mid-way (it comes back!).  Paul apologizes profusely.

I think I only said the f-word once (not audible on the video), and only knocked one person in the shins.  A rather successful dance, I'd say!!!

We are beautiful, beautiful creatures!

Afterwards, Shannon gave a thank-you and speech, and then Andrea surprised her with a thank you from all of us!

Shannon's final speech

Andrea thanks Shannon for all her hard work

And there was much smiling and cheering and joyfulness had by all.

For One Billion Rising

Holy crap, we did it!

No caption, I just love this photo!

Mission accomplished, we bundled back into the car to return to Maggie, who danced an encore for us as we came in the door.

Lisa had chilled a bottle of champagne, which we enjoyed with grilled cheese sandwiches -- and ketchup, because she doesn't want me to neglect my vegetables!  :)

Celebratory champagne and grilled cheese!

The perfect way to celebrate Valentine's Day when your hubby is on the other side of the country -- good friends, stepping (dancing) outside the box, daring, dog, comfort food, bubbly.  Awesome!


Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise
Sister won't you help me, sister won't you rise

This is my body, my body's holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures


Have an awesome week, everyone!

Awesomeness Postponed

I had REALLY been hoping to give a Re-Cap of my One Billion Rising experience, but... the battery charger for the video camera that captured it all has gone missing and, of course, the battery has died.  So... will try REALLY REALLY HARD to get that all figured out asap so you can see me in all my dancing glory (?!?) -- OK, my dancing was not awesome, but the event was.  And the fact that I didn't chicken out is also awesome.  Yes that is me, patting myself on the back in a round-about manner.

So there is LOTS OF AWESOME to come... soon... any minute now.


In the meantime, I don't want you to feel cheated, though.  So here's an awesome photo courtesy of War Resisters International -- from Mozambique, an AK-47 turned into a saxophone!  (Sent via friend B, regular source of awesomeness.)

And, as if Matt Damon wasn't awesome enough just as an actor, producer, director, etc., he's inviting us all to "Strike With Me" to celebrate International Water Day, taking a stand on the water crisis.  The video of his "press release" is just hilarious.  Intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes, just sayin'...

Strike With Me

OK, that's it until I can get my own intelligent, witty, talented, passionate, and... not too hard on the eyes V-Day report put together.

Happy Monday - have an awesome week!

Dance like nobody is watching

Well, I'm pretty sure nobody's watching, or the neighbours might have called the paramedics by now...

I have spent the day rehearsing the dance steps for Thursday's "One Billion Rising" flashmob at Barrie's Five Points (between 5:00 & 5:30 -- please join us if you can!).  This is what the dance is supposed to look like:

Break the Chain

I'm afraid that when my husband caught me rehearsing last week, he thought I was having a seizure or something, and ran up the stairs to rescue me.  I am hoping someone warns the paramedics that I'm not dying, just dancing -- and sends them to help those people dying of laughter.

What I lack in talent, I shall make up for in enthusiasm!

At girls' night on Saturday, I recruited my friend Lisa to join me in dancing -- fortunately, she was already quite drunk by that point in the evening!  ;-)  Our friend Betty, who actually DOES know how to dance, tried to give us a lesson, and was very helpful, though you probably won't be able to tell (trust me, you should have seen the "before" pictures!).

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this...

Participants were invited to share a video of "Why I'm Rising".  I took a big breath and contributed the following:

Why Alyssa Wright is Rising

My "moves" have improved, slightly, from that brief demonstration.  Hopefully I'll be able to get some photos and/or videos at the event that make it look like I've actually spent the day practising.

Because I don't dance.  Let alone in public.  I believe the last time I did so was as a nine-year-old, playing a Russian Rose in a ballet recital.  My one and only ballet recital.  There's a reason for that.

But a funny thing started to happen today, as I spent the day practising my "step right, and party, step left, and party, now pivot, pivot, and party, party" and "step-ball-change, step-ball-change, swag, swag" (for the record, it took me until about 8pm to realize it wasn't break-ball-change, break-ball-change, which would have fit the step, honestly... at least the way I was doing it!).  No, I'm not just talking about how my 40-something knees started to give up with all the jumping around (although that happened too!).  I actually started to... you know... move my body with the music.  You might almost call it... er... dancing?

And I realized... not only do I not dance, I don't really walk.  At least, not in a fluid, happy-with-my-body kind of way.  I tend to walk so nobody will notice me.  I tend to walk as if my entire lower body was involved in a Kegel hold.  You know, if those muscles stretched all the way through my gluteus maximus and into my lower back.

Swaying hips?  Nope, not me.  Ass is firmly clenched, so as to eliminate any chance of a sway as my legs do the least they have to do to get me from here to there.  Dancing, should it happen, is in tiny little arm movements (as witnessed above), feet barely leaving the floor, knees maybe bending a tiny bit... maybe.

But as I got more comfortable with remembering the steps (other than the bridge, which I totally fail at every time!), and watched the dance students in the instructional video, and absorb the rhythms... my hips... started... SWAYING!  They swayed to the left, they swayed to the right, they did some weird gyrating thing I didn't think they were capable of... My hips were dancing!  Not only that, but my feet left the floor.  My arms wound around, my spine undulated... MY WHOLE BODY WAS DANCING!!!

For the first time in my 40-something years, I was actually comfortable in my body.  Comfortable letting it do its thing without worrying about whether someone would think I was an idiot or, more scarily for me, that I was trying to show off or be seductive or something (why I ever thought MY dancing might be seen as seductive, I'll never know... I may be dancing now, but let's be realistic!).

Letting my body express the music instead of hiding behind my cello.  Which, let's face it, covers a substantial part of my torso, hiding any swaying potential.

But today, I am dancing like nobody is watching.

I have no idea if I'll be able to recreate this phenomenon when someone actually IS watching, but... I'll give it my best shot.  Because:

This is my body, my body's holy
No more excuses, no more abuses
We are mothers, we are teachers
We are beautiful, beautiful creatures

I have no idea if I'll be able to get through the dance without laughing, and I KNOW I won't be able to hear that last line without bawling -- it has happened EVERY TIME today, and the song has been on CONSTANT rotation since 9am (you'd think I'd be used to it by now?!?).

My word for the year was "Daring".  I think I should get bonus points for February.  :)

Even without the points, though, I know I'm helping.  Not through my fabulous dance moves (!), but through standing in solidarity and protest.  And in the hope and faith that we can change the world -- one tiny heart (or vagina) at a time.

Until tomorrow, my friends -- Dance, Rise.

Breaking the record for late Awesomeness

Ah well, c'est la vie!  Yet again, a brilliant excuse -- Saturday night was girls' night, followed by Sunday morning's inaugural Founding Board meeting of the Katie Foundation (I could just wrap up the Week in Awesome on that alone...), followed by a quick nap, followed by some top-secret creative activities which shall be revealed some time next month, followed by... Monday.

But here I am, basking in the glow of the Awesome first meeting, realizing that the world needs a bit of awesome.

Most of the awesome comes, once again, from friend B -- an endless supply of this stuff!  :)  The original link she'd sent expired, but I searched it out and found another version on YouTube.  The creativity of the Pilobolus dance troupe is just brilliant and... yes, Awesome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYftvseVzuI

And this beautiful documentary film, "Scared is Scared", in which filmmaker Bianca Giaever re-creates the story by six-year-old Asa Baker-Rouse, all about being scared and how to overcome it.  May we all have such wisdom:

Strombo | Anytime You Feel Scared, Just Think About What This Little Boy Has To Say & You'll Feel Better

And, the last B contribution of the week, SoulPancake's lovely experiment of putting a ball pit in a public space, and encouraging strangers to sit in it and talk about life's big questions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfHV4-N2LxQ

And finally, I forgot to put this lovely graphic in last week -- not sure of the original creator, but it was posted on my FB wall via http://www.facebook.com/recipesforgals/:

A good reminder, n'est-ce pas?

Have a truly awesome week, everyone -- and happy day of love, or day of binge-eating, whichever side you're on.  ;)

On-time Awesomeness!

There we go, after vowing to allow myself to be late, I'm doing this on time.  How awesome is that?  ;)

The week has been busy, leading up to my hubby Don Bray's concert last night at the Double Door -- which was tons of fun.

So... most of the awesomeness comes from others this week!

First off, my friend Ali's CompassionFile -- I've already shared it with many, because it deals with that nasty little topic of: Boundaries.  Boundaries are awesome.  If you have them.  Baby steps...  Her post includes a great exercise for working through yours -- an exercise which I promise to get to soon.  :)  Where Is My Bottom Line?

Next, a somewhat disturbing but powerful video sent to me by friend B, who has become a great source of all things awesome.  Residential Redemption:

 

Next up, also from friend B, some words of wisdom from a young boy about learning to ride a bike -- and pretty much everything else in life, I think.  It'll make you feel happy of yourself, I guarantee!

And finally, a beautiful story from the Toronto Star, in reference to this truly awesome photo:

That's all folks -- have an awesome first week of February!

Last Week in Awesome

OK, I'm not even going to bother with an excuse.  Perhaps Monday should be the OFFICIAL "Week in Awesome" publishing day, because life seems to just make it happen on a Monday, anyhow.

If I *were* to make an excuse, mind you, it would be that I had an awesome girls' night with my friend Ali -- while escaping Don's boys' night at our house.  This particular episode of boys' night included ouzo, so it is doubly awesome that I got to escape -- if it had been single malt, I might have stuck around.

Ali is also one of the "Inaugural" Board Members of the new foundation, so we were able to get lots of work done, too.  Yessireee, lots of awesome work.  Pages and pages of work.  OK... maybe not pages and pages, but some really good discussions, tucked in amongst the snacks, martinis, way-too-much-dinner, wine, midnight snacks, more wine, way-too-much-brunch-the-next-day.  And her dad (at brunch, NOT at girls' night!) helped give an idea of some of the required legal stuff (and cost estimates), too.  And he's got some refurbished minute books he can donate to the cause!

When I got home, there was a message that my lovely niece had called and wanted me to call back.  She'd gone to her VERY FIRST symphony concert (at 7 years old) and declared it to be: yes, AWESOME!!!  Can you tell she's my niece?  She'd even managed to stay awake for the second set.  She also announced that she'd been allowed to stay up until 10:30 for a party on Saturday, and was very proud of herself -- I sense musicians' hours in the making here.  ;)  When I asked her if she'd been cranky over the weekend, she said yes, but only a little bit -- self-awareness in a 7-year-old?  Awesome.  :)  (Mind you, I didn't double-check with her mother what "only a little bit" meant in the adult world, so I may have just been snowed by a 7-year old...)

I got my car back from the body shop on Friday.  It turns out, while they were replacing the panel that dimtwit backed in to (in to which the dimtwit backed), they discovered she'd actually hit the car with enough force to also crack the bottom left corner of the windshield!  So... new windshield for me.  But the body shop and the insurance company both agreed that this was 100% the fault of said dimtwit, so I didn't have to pay the deductible or anything.  Just drive my newly-shiny car home.  The newly-shiny car with seat warmers.  Oh, in a week of minus-27, how I missed thee, oh seat warmers!  (Seat warmers are... oh, you know...)

The Big Awesome of the week, however, is One Billion Rising -- an international movement created by Eve Ensler (writer of The Vagina Monologues), inviting women to Strike, Dance and Rise on V-Day, February 14.



As the website says:

One in Three Women on the Planet will be Raped or Beaten in her Lifetime.

One Billion Women Violated is an Atrocity.

One Billion Women Dancing is a Revolution.

Join V-Day on February 14, 2013

Strike, Dance, Rise

in your community and

Demand an END to Violence

One of my friends from last year's Vagina Monologues, Shannon Murree, has created a Barrie and Simcoe Region dance flashmob event -- location still to be decided.  If you'd like to take part, please visit the FaceBook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/one.billion.barrie/

Yes, I will be dancing.  Pick yourselves up off the floor.  As nobody has ever seen me dance (unless you knew me in grade 7 and were one of the lucky few to survive it without dying laughing), just witnessing such a monumental event should be enough to make you want to take part!

Just so you have an idea of what it's SUPPOSED to look like here's the official video, with anthem by Tena Clark and choreography by the magnificently awesome Debbie Allen:

Download the song!

If I can dance, you can dance.  :)

If you're in the Simcoe region, please join us!  If you're anywhere else and want to get involved, there's a list of planned events -- growing every day -- at the One Billion Rising website (http://onebillionrising.org), as well as a toolkit to help get an event started in your own area.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go practise my moves.

Have an awesome week, everyone!

The awesomely late Week in Awesome

But the reason why this post is so awesomely late is actually... you guessed it, quite awesome!  Not only did we get to spend the weekend with some lovely (new to me) relatives, we also got started on making the Katie Foundation a real entity.  And brainstorming and fantasizing and... making me realize that I might really and truly be able to pull this off.  No longer a fantasy, but a reality.  As in real life.  You know... like... um... REAL.

Not only that, but along with the three wonderful humans, I got to spend the weekend with a Black Lab named Raven -- and you guys know I'm a total sucker for Black Labs.  Raven almost made me forget Sunday's hangover, because... yes, we did consume an awesome amount of wine on Saturday night, which made for a not-so-awesome feeling the next day.  Point taken.

But my sorta-not-quite-a-brother-in-law-but-he-can-be-my-brother-any-day Todd has sent me home with a USB stick of templates and forms and examples and questions to ponder and all the sorts of things that had my head reeling and wondering where on earth I would ever start.  Todd knows where to start.  Because Todd is... say it with me now, people -- AWESOME!!!

And speaking of awesome men, take a look at this photo:

These are protesters in India, reacting to comments that wearing skirts is the cause of rape.  They're standing in solidarity with their mothers, sisters and daughters, and I absolutely love them.

And, in case Raven wasn't animal enough for you, here is an awesomely adorable video with two of my other favourite animals.  You might notice that the title is "Awesome communication!" -- it was simply meant to be.

Happy Monday, folks -- have a great week!

The week(end) in Awesome

Yes, here I am again, with another (good) excuse of why I'm a day late with the Awesome report!

You see, this weekend was our annual DIY Music Retreat -- a weekend of musical mayhem for about 35 folks.  This was the 7th year, and often it's the only time in the year when some of us manage to see each other, although there were some newcomers this year as well.  Something to look forward to in the darker days of winter, a recharging of batteries.  Lots of jamming, a bit of learning, great food and probably a wee bit too much alcohol.  ;-)

I wasn't sure how I'd fare, given my last two months of hermitage, but -- save for one bizarre triggering -- I'm happy to report I did quite well!  (I was, somehow, triggered by the shape of one person's nose.  Still trying to figure WTF that was about, and hoping he didn't notice my reaction and think it had anything to do with him...  So... if you're reading this and noticed my little panic attack when I looked at your face, please don't take it personally, I'm just a little wacked-out right now!)

As I believe I wrote last year, the "young'uns" had again improved in leaps and bounds, which was such a joy to see (and hear!).  And I got my annual dose of love from Mary H., who seems to always know exactly what to say to make me feel so special I could cry.

But the BEST news from the weekend was that at the concert Saturday night (everyone performs one song, often with others joining in), Mary headed on stage making excuses why she might not do a good job -- the most important one being THE NEW RING ON HER FINGER!  Apparently, boyfriend Marcus had proposed earlier in the day, while they were out for a walk.  And, let me tell you, if there's anyone deserving of love in this world, it's Mary -- she gives out so much love and joy to everyone around her, I'm absolutely thrilled she's getting some back (by someone that everyone who met him this weekend has declared to be Mary-worthy).

Because love is Awesome and Mary is Awesome and sometimes Karma can be really and truly Awesome!!!  (And Marcus has definitely earned a spot in the Awesome category as well.)

Returning home last night, and checking my mail and FaceBook and stuff, I learned that Mary isn't the only one who makes me feel so special I could cry.  Angie has posted the following:

So, as I reminisce the weekend at DIY, I am sitting at my dining room table listening to Dark Waters by Alyssa Wright. My 8 year old very perceptive, musically gifted young daughter, Aja, says to me, "Mom, does Alyssa KNOW that she's CRAZY TALENTED?" How's that for confirmation, Lyss?

Bring on the waterworks...  People saying nice things about me out of the blue is... oh... can I say it?... (gulp) Awesome.

On the Katie Foundation front, I'm meeting with my sorta-but-not-exactly-a-brother-in-law-in-law this coming weekend to figure out how to get this puppy registered and given charitable status.  There's a full board now in place (although additions are welcome, don't want to burn anyone out!), and we're all Really.  Freaking.  Excited!!!  Making your dreams come true is: AWESOME!!!

But it's not all about me!  (Well, it's my blog, so it kind of is, but...)

Friend B. sent me this link earlier in the week:  http://imaginepeace.com/archives/19222.  Six hundred guitarists gathered in Darjeeling to play John Lennon's "Imagine" to pay tribute to the Delhi rape victim, and spread "hope, peace and promise" in a country still coming to terms with the violence.

Alrighty, it's now Monday afternoon and I have to actually get some work done in between students (when did my Mondays become such crazy days?), so that's all the awesome you get in this round.

Have a great week, everyone!
Alyssa